To explode at family pressuring to see newborn?

[coconean]

I have a newborn and not had the best birth and have been quite poorly.

I have explained to family several times now when I am ready I will let them know.
Quite a few of family members have complained of fevers, flu etc so for obvious reasons im keeping my distance.

Nobody seems to be respecting what I am saying and keep bombarding me with texts, like let me enjoy my baby!

I feel ready to explode, I didnt do this when they had babies and left them to it until they were ready and just want the same respect.

Honestly OP, I think it’s lovely that they are showing such an interest in your little one. Babies are an exciting time for a family.

However, saying that, it is your home and if you don’t want visitors for whatever reason at all (at any point in your life) then that is also absolutely fine. And you are more than reasonable to say ‘no’.

Congrats on your baby, and I hope your recovery goes smoothly.

Don’t explode, just stop responding.

If they ask again, say simply that you’re not ready for visitors as you’re not feeling well and you’ll let them know when you’re feeling up to it.

Then just ignore them.
Put the messages and calls on mute and don’t read or respond to them.

Tell me you had an easy birth without telling me you had an easy birth 🙄

6 days and you've been unwell and barely out if hospital. No it's not unreasonable to not feel up to visitors. Just say so and ignore further messages.

When your partner goes back to work and you're feeling better you may well find that you feel more amenable to visits. I had velcro babies who wanted to be held ALL the time and it was nice to hand them over for a bit and give my arms a rest.

On a more flippant note, don't worry about it too much. When you have your second child no one will give a flying fuck. You can trust me on this!

You have my sympathy OP.

Having a baby is a big, traumatic event for many woman. You have a third degree tear. You are trying to learn how to feed. You are exhausted.

To have people turning up to sit and watch you while you are trying to juggle recovery and learning about how to care for your new baby is difficult.

The family members are just excited, that is all really. But you are entitled to set your own boundaries.

I think people forget what women actually physically go through to give birth; and how hard the recovery is in those early days. Especially if you have a serious tear.

My parents, inlaws and siblings all saw us in hospital on day 1

Turn your phone off?

And another one....day 1 after birth I hadn't slept for 48 hours, I'd been in surgery for two hours, I was numb from the waste down because they had to give me a spinal block and there was a bag of urine attached to the side of my bed because I had a catheter in. I was traumatised. Please understand not everyone is fit for visitors straight away.

"My doctor recommend giving yourselves 6-8 weeks to adjust before accepting visitors. Both as a doctor and a Mum of 3 herself"

No she didn't.

How lovely for all concerned.

I think it's reasonable for parents and siblings to see the baby with some priority.

Beyond that, it's your decision who you want to see, with the caveat that people will feel excluded if you leave it too long (I would say a couple of weeks is reasonable).

Your partner needs to police this and have words with anyone who refuses to listen. He also needs to kick people out if they outstay their timeslot (though remember you can take the baby and retire upstairs if it gets too much).

@Bbq1 I think your view point here is quite dangerous. We shouldn't be saying it's natural
And normal for family to visits so soon, it creates a wild expectation on women to 'perform' and hand their maybe out when they may not be ready, emotionally of physically

this lady spent 2 days post birth on a high dependency ward. Her experience is entirely different to yours as are her relationships.

You might have wanted people to visit, but that doesn't make it natural or normal.

So so so many threads on Mumsnet from
Women who are out under pressure from family's.

We need more empathy and empowerment for mums, and support from their partners to advocate for them when they can't.

You have absolutely no idea how the birth was one and you raised it, not me! As it happens i found it quite easy. I only had gas and air as it was too late for pethidine, but I did have an episiotomy, 3rd degree tears, they had to break my waters and we had to stay in hospital for 5 days as ds was jaundiced. Maybe not that easy but I found it relatively easy, especially pain wise. I'm sorry if pp's have haf difficult or traumatic births but there's no need to be nasty just because your dc's birth was difficult. Talking about birth never occurred to me on this thread. The following day I was in pain obviously but that made no difference to wanting to see my parents and IL's.

I'm guessing you weren't in a high dependency unit with a third degree tear then @forgotmyusername1?

Not read the whole thread but could you send a message to all those trying to visit and just say you’re Ill, you need time to recover and so won’t be having visitors yet but you’ll be in contact when. Don’t answer any other requests.
i remember my in laws visiting and I was stopped over in pain making a f’ing roast dinner. I look back and think what the hell was I doing?!!!
congrats on your little one!

@coconean
You're not being unreasonable in the slightest- you've been through a horrid time, you're 6 days out the other side, feeling ill & in pain/discomfort. All you need right now is support - your baby is not a new exhibit in a zoo for these extended family members to come & play with!

Tell them (or better yet, your husband should be running interference for you & telling them) to back off & give you space. Be as rude about it as you like & don't feel in the least bit guilty!

Unless people are going to properly, actually be of help to you in some way, then they need to eff off!!

Hope you feel less shit soon & enjoy your baby bubble time.

Perhaps op you could ask for your title to be amended to extended family members ... you have seen close family which the heading appears otherwise. I certainly wouldn't expect to visit early on if I didn't have a close relationship, but for my DD's I would expect to see their future children nearly straight away, very different

Doesn't matter how long it's been, I don't understand the questions asking how old is your baby. You see them when you want to! Ignore messages and calls. Turn off your phone if you need to.

When I read your first post I though you were being a bit dramatic and unreasonable.

Having read your other posts for context, I think you’re pretty justified.

As someone else said, I would send a message to your extended family saying that whilst you appreciate their kind thoughts and desire to meet baby, you’ve been extremely unwell as a result of the birth and are still recovering and will therefore not be having visitors until next month, and will be in touch when you feel up to it.

Then individually block anyone who is being persistent for the time being.

Oh I don't know @honeylulu with baby no.2 the whole of OH's family plus children turned up on day 2 and it was a flipping nightmare. I had my own hospital room as I had the flu (which made the actual birth a load of fun) which seemed to give them the impression they could extend the visit. I wish I had had to foresight to delay them.

Ok then tell me this, how is telling op how wonderful your experience was helpfull? Telling someone who is (understandably) struggling that you found it easy? How will that make her feel?

Could husband take lead with visits with IMMEDIATE family members to the house whilst you can pop your head around and say hi and then go back to rest?

I was a zombie for visits, what I do regret was people visiting way down the pecking order and some just wouldn't leave for hours and expected to be waited on.

Okay. I'm obviously getting piled on here for sharing a different viewpoint . My family relationships are very close and my dh was present at the birth and most of the time afterwards. He did advocate for me during the birth. It's apparently "dangerous" according to you to have an alternative view to shutting everyone out and "hunkering down". You think that but to call my view, my experience dangerousl is ridiculous . No womam is going to feel pressure to "perform" just because I was more than happy to see my close family the day after my ds was born.

YADNBU - you have had an extremely rough time and need to recover and bond with baby. It's not clear if you have actually allowed your own parents to visit - if they are well, I would let them, or they'll be frantic with worry, desperate to see baby, and feeling left out, as DH's family have already had the honour. No house guests - far too invasive, unless you feel your mum would be a comfort and support. DH needs to enforce no kissing rule , and be firm with his family - they've met baby and need to back off. To all wider, not wanted family, get DH to make a very short WA vid of baby only, thank everyone for their kindness and good wishes in an accompanying message, explaining coconeon is still unwell and under orders to rest, so he's sure everyone will understand she's taking a break from phone/social media messages, and socialising, until well enough, then block, and unblock individuals as you feel ready. That's what I would do, as a mother, and having previously worked with new mothers for 12 years. A very big CONGRATULATIONS!!

If the op was just very unwell would she be expected to have visitors? I don’t think anyone would say yes. Op is unwell and also dealing with a newborn so I’d also tell them to bugger off, it’s not like she will see them anyway as they don’t usually give a shit about her