In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

If it truly was described as a gift when they gave it to your husband and no mention made of repaying it, then if I were him I would pay them back the 80k (if I could afford to without hurting my new family) as a final goodbye and never talk to them again.

I think there’s two issues here.

Firstly, was it ever agreed that he would pay them back at some point (perhaps when he sold the house? If so then yes technically he should honor that and if it was given as a gift then they should not renege on that.

However the second (arguably bigger) issue is them saying that they want it back to prevent your oldest (and I suspect you…) from ‘benefiting’ from it. That seems incredibly divisive and the kind of behaviour that is only going to lead to them damaging their relationship with their son.

Also, the whole amount + extra - that's to the detriment of their own biological GC too, they'd rather "take" from them to avoid your eldest benefitting in any way it doesn't make sense ☹️

Are they wealthy? Is there a decent estate/inheritance they could start playing games with? Either way, I'm really sorry to your dh that his parents would do this to him.

Holy fucking shit!

If there is no legal contract and this was a gift, I would give them no money and then never speak to them again. How absolutely vile are they. Areaholes. Your DH sounds wonderful and he sounds like a great step dad to your child. Marriages are equal partnerships and sorry your in laws don’t see the joy of an extra grandchild. Unless they are demanding £160k from the daughter then they are just cunts

Will the other sibling be expected to pay back his £80k plus interest?! Your husband would have been better off taking a bloody loan for £80k. I've never heard of a parent not only expecting a gift back but expecting it doubled? The house might have increased but that is also due to you maintaining the property and paying the increase in the loan, never mind stamp duty and all that.

You better tell them they might be due to pay capital gains tax on that sum the cheeky bastards! Your husband was generous offering to pay the £80k back but bloody hell, the fact they expect to gain from the increase in your house value is batshit (unless that was properly discussed before hand that it was a loan not a gift and the terms of the loan)

That relationship is damaged now. For me I’m not sure if it would be possible to repair it. On that basis they can sing for their refund.

I think they must be worried that the house they have contributed towards is going from DHs house to your new joint house. And worried that your older child stands to inherit equally to their grandchildren.

Would you be happy to allow DH to ringfence the 80k for himself and his children?

You in laws sound very hostile. However they are maybe trying to protect their own grandkids from your “elder child” who they seem to really resent.

Agree with this here.
Also I thing your husband needs to ask if they are asking the other siblings for the money back.

Depending on the first point they are not entitled to more that £80k and none if it was a gift.

Where you go from here I do not know. Maybe give the £80k and limit all interactions with them. I am not sure your relationship can recover from this.

It would be a pretty shortsighted thing to go to war over IMO.

These parents have funded 3 children to the tune of 240K. They clearly are pretty wealthy. So in purely financial terms rowing over 80K now could potentially cost a lot more in the future.

Of course some people have principles that they feel are more important than money. But let's not pretend that having those principles can't cost you a fair amount of cash.

The in laws do sound a bit damaged to me. Clearly something has happened in their lives to give them a real bee in the bonnet to risk doing something so divisive.

The thing is, if they have gifted 240K then you would think that would be a relatively small fraction of their overall wealth, and therefore the risk that one of their non-blood children might likely get a fraction of 80K of that is a pretty tiny proportion of their overall legacy, so why be so divisive about something of such little consequence when you look at the big picture ?

Your older child probably will stand to inherit a lot from his own father (as the only child?) so I wonder if this would be acceptable to you.

Hmmm is it in writing that you’d be paying them the deposit back plus interest in The event of a sale? Because if not, I’m afraid they’re got nothing. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Agreed. I would be paying back their £80k but would have nothing to do with them from that point on. It’s not really about the money, but the reason they want it back is so unfair and cruel I wouldn’t be able to forgive it.

Wow. They’ve really made their dislike of you and your child plain, haven’t they?

What absolute wankers. They are taking back a gift to their own son, because he married you, a woman who already had a child. Surely there's ways for them to ringfence money for grandchildren, if they're the sort of tossers who are content to treat your child differently.

If it was a gift, I wouldn't give it back unless they were demanding the same sums back from their other children.

If it was a loan, I would return only the £80k.

THey sound horrible, tbh, desperately afraid a CHILD who is part of your family and your son's family now might benefit from living there.

I'd go low or no contact, no matter what you decide to do re the money.

to date - how have they been with your son OP?

Nothing more to add to what others have said and I'd echo again
What absolute arseholes they are.
I'd be livid and throw it at them along with cutting further contact.

Literally from the OP

"We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value."

Jesus what Evil people 😩😳

Do they usually treat your eldest like some second class hanger on?

what kind of parent gives their adult child a GIFT, and then demands it back with interest?!
I would be tempted to make an invoice for all the time I've spent doing anything for them, bill my time at whatever hourly rate required to make it equal to the money they are asking for, I'd add in a cost for providing grandchildren & continuing the lineage. Whatever it takes!

And unless they’re asking the brother and sister for the same, plus uplift, they’re complete and utter arseholes.

Are they very wealthy, old fashioned and really dislike that you have an existing child that is not their son’s?

Absolute spiteful vultures.

I'd give them back the £80k and cut all ties with them.

No body will be benefitting from anything until you and your DH die! And by then your financial situation could be significantly different!!
What a horrible thing to say/ do to you all. This must be so upsetting.

Pls clarify; how can your ex have a vasectomy before you conceived your shared child?
Or have i misread?