Page 10 | In-laws want their deposit back

ArnosLeach · 2024-02-15T14:30:33+00:00

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship. Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering. The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc. We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit. They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value. They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

talksettings1 · 15/02/2024 16:52

I think that you and your husband would benefit from knowing is actual rights in relation to this, then making a decision. I would take legal advice, then decide what to do.

You could of course make all sorts of assurances about wills to 'protect' your youngest child, then show them, then change them straight after. 😁Whatever you do, I'd feel that the relationship has been damaged forever.

Ponderingwindow · 15/02/2024 16:52

They gifted the money to their children. Spouses getting a share of the money was always a possibility.

it is his relationship with his parents, but I would be inclined to just say no. If the two of you want to compromise a bit, maybe agree to ring fence the original gift, without interest since it is being done retroactively.

Suchagroovyguy · 15/02/2024 16:53

Ricinpeas · 15/02/2024 16:52

Pls clarify; how can your ex have a vasectomy before you conceived your shared child?
Or have i misread?

Before they were born, not before they were conceived…

Emotionalsupportviper · 15/02/2024 16:54

ArnosLeach · 15/02/2024 14:40

The original deposit was £80,000, they want £160,000 back to reflect house’s increase in value.
It was a gift given to both siblings as well.
DH offered them 80 but they feel my eldest will benefit at their expense and at the expense of the other grandchildren

Give them the £80,000 and point out that as you are living in the house you can't realise its increased value. When (if!) you sell up, then you'll address the situation then.

What a pair of shits they are!.

Caszekey · 15/02/2024 16:54

So all three kids had 80k, the other two can keep theirs but DH has to pay his back with interest because he's taken up with some wench with baggage?

Your DH needs to be saying he's in no position to return the gift they freely gave to all their children just because they don't like his wife and step child, given it will negatively impact his biological child.

And then, knowing what they really think of them, I'd go. NC and he can take his kids to see them if he wants to

Suchagroovyguy · 15/02/2024 16:55

So all three kids had 80k, the other two can keep theirs but DH has to pay his back with interest because he's taken up with some wench with baggage?

Basically, yes.

Ohnoooooooo · 15/02/2024 16:55

Wow I am so sorry very hurtful.
although I am not getting how they think your older child would benefit? Do they mean in your DH’s will??

jolies1 · 15/02/2024 16:56

Give them back their £80k, ring fence what seems like a fair amount to account for the “interest” on that £80k, go NC with them, if they wish to see GC then DH can make all the arrangements

BirthdayRainbow · 15/02/2024 16:58

JimBobsWife · 15/02/2024 14:37

What do they mean by your elder child benefitting? The house has already been bought - long before you came along. How does your elder child benefit in particular and is this why they want the profit in addition to the original sum repaid?

Benefits from the new bigger house..

MatchingBedding · 15/02/2024 16:58

What awful awful people.

PoppyAndParsnip · 15/02/2024 16:58

I think there is a bigger point coming out here.

The way you handle this will have a lifelong impact on the relationship between you and your shared children, between them and each other, and between them and their “D” GP.

Tread very carefully from that perspective, you want all of them to be able to look you in the eye in the future and say “I understand why you did what you did and that you did it for us”. You can’t rule out the risk that “D”GP will tell the kids what happened to try to win them over when they’re older in the event that you go NC or similar.

N27 · 15/02/2024 16:58

Have they specifically said that it’s because of your eldest? Because if so there are huge issues here not just to do with the house. They gave a gift to their son - what he does with it is up to him, and to be honest they should be over the moon he has a lovely family to share it with

Ilovemyshed · 15/02/2024 16:58

Mistlebough · 15/02/2024 15:17

This really must put people off giving deposits to their DC on the understanding it will be reimbursed when they make enough money to upsize and get a new home, as if you then need the money when you get older your DC go NC and you are punished. There seems to be little appreciation for DPs’ generosity in so many cases. Maybe better not toget involved at all in finances? We are at this exact stage and I worry the savings that have taken a lifetime to make will just get lost if DCs split up.

As a huge proportion of marriages and partnerships where people share homes end up splitting and divorcing it seems like a very big risk to give DCs money as it will definitely go out of the family. The only way around this I can think of is for both people in a relationship to contribute equallyinstead of someone moving in and taking advantage of someone who has saved and paid i to a mortgage.

I can’t believe they would be saying this if it was an unconditional gift to their son and DH needs to explain where his DPs are coming from with this.

There are legal mechanisms to ring fence money in those circumstances if you choose. Best thing to do is take full and proper advice on ALL aspects.

Saz12 · 15/02/2024 16:59

Sounds like they gave the money as an early inheritance. It would be an asset that DH had before marrying you, so HIS asset rather than a jointly owned asset. They are trying to protect DH's inheritance in case of a divorce from you, and are making it clear that they only want tteir biological grandchildren to inherit from them. It migtnt be at all personal - a lot of people want the money to go to their child and not 50/50 between their (adult!) child and their spouse.

DH needs to discuss with them, and you need to not be involved. Can he find out what they think the legal position is? Can something be drawn up to reflect what they're trying to achieve, which doesnt entail repaying the £160k? Have they explored trusts etc for grandchildren? It mightnt be what you or I would do, but ultimately it is their money.

PoppyAndParsnip · 15/02/2024 17:00

BirthdayRainbow · 15/02/2024 16:58

Benefits from the new bigger house..

Show quote history

Maybe they’re thinking like an handful of other posters on here, and this is their way of expressing their disappointment in their DS for not marrying well enough… given that OP can’t put an “equal” amount into the house.

PoppyAndParsnip · 15/02/2024 17:02

Saz12 · 15/02/2024 16:59

Sounds like they gave the money as an early inheritance. It would be an asset that DH had before marrying you, so HIS asset rather than a jointly owned asset. They are trying to protect DH's inheritance in case of a divorce from you, and are making it clear that they only want tteir biological grandchildren to inherit from them. It migtnt be at all personal - a lot of people want the money to go to their child and not 50/50 between their (adult!) child and their spouse.

DH needs to discuss with them, and you need to not be involved. Can he find out what they think the legal position is? Can something be drawn up to reflect what they're trying to achieve, which doesnt entail repaying the £160k? Have they explored trusts etc for grandchildren? It mightnt be what you or I would do, but ultimately it is their money.

It WAS their money! It is not now.

Ouchmyarse · 15/02/2024 17:02

DH offered them 80 but they feel my eldest will benefit at their expense and at the expense of the other grandchildren

Jesus christ!

I met dh when my child from a previous relationship was 6. When we got married a few years later, my in laws changed their wills to include my child equally with his sisters children. They also gave us a house deposit and have openly spoken about how it’s wonderful we could buy a home as my ds and my (now) children with dh will all benefit from it when we die. They would never single my Ds out.

I’ve heard a lot of mean spirited shit in my time, but their attitude takes the biscuit. Not only wanting to profit from gift to their own son but being such an arse to yours.

Mitherations · 15/02/2024 17:04

Saz12 · 15/02/2024 16:59

Sounds like they gave the money as an early inheritance. It would be an asset that DH had before marrying you, so HIS asset rather than a jointly owned asset. They are trying to protect DH's inheritance in case of a divorce from you, and are making it clear that they only want tteir biological grandchildren to inherit from them. It migtnt be at all personal - a lot of people want the money to go to their child and not 50/50 between their (adult!) child and their spouse.

DH needs to discuss with them, and you need to not be involved. Can he find out what they think the legal position is? Can something be drawn up to reflect what they're trying to achieve, which doesnt entail repaying the £160k? Have they explored trusts etc for grandchildren? It mightnt be what you or I would do, but ultimately it is their money.

If it's their money it would be either in their bank account, or a loan accompanied by a paper trail which would enable them to seek legal recourse if not repaid on schedule.

I think it's more like they don't like their son's choice of wife, which is very much a suck it up scenario, not try to claw back what you can because you're upset. Foolish.

Crumpleton · 15/02/2024 17:05

You say there's no paperwork so nothing for PIL to pull out and go on and at best if they're that insistent all they should expect is any interest they would have gained had they put the money in to a savings account.
But to want 80k added to what they lent your DH...shocking from a parent.

If it was a gift then it's a bit cheeky to ask for it back..I'd also feel a bit miffed as to their reason why the want it back.

Bananabreadandstrawberries · 15/02/2024 17:06

Ouchmyarse · 15/02/2024 17:02

DH offered them 80 but they feel my eldest will benefit at their expense and at the expense of the other grandchildren

Jesus christ!

I met dh when my child from a previous relationship was 6. When we got married a few years later, my in laws changed their wills to include my child equally with his sisters children. They also gave us a house deposit and have openly spoken about how it’s wonderful we could buy a home as my ds and my (now) children with dh will all benefit from it when we die. They would never single my Ds out.

I’ve heard a lot of mean spirited shit in my time, but their attitude takes the biscuit. Not only wanting to profit from gift to their own son but being such an arse to yours.

I think you are very lucky to have such accepting in laws! Unlike poor OP!

Pixie888 · 15/02/2024 17:06

Balloonhearts · 15/02/2024 14:56

I think people are missing that the op and the dh have split up and now live apart.

It was OPs first husband she separated from - her nine year old's father.

She now married to second husband - and the father to her three and half aged child, and it is second husband's parents causing the issue

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 15/02/2024 17:08

@ArnosLeach Omg they're cheeky fuckers! It's one thing to ask for the original deposit back but to demand double the deposit back because of the increase in value is plain grabby.

I think your in laws actually don't like you and see you as money grabber for yourself and your older son, but they are also are prepared to put their son and grandchild in a potentially vulnerable situation financially to ensure you and your son don't benefit shows how callous and cold they are especially when you're paying your fair share! Not mention causing issues in family relationships over it!

They also sound controlling and see that deposit as something to use to control your dh and guilt him into towing their line.

Op tell your dh to tell them to fuck off they won't be getting double the deposit and if they think so little of you and your son they can fuck off permanently and will no long be welcome over the threshold of dh's and your front door again!

coldcallerbaiter · 15/02/2024 17:08

Balloonhearts · 15/02/2024 14:56

I think people are missing that the op and the dh have split up and now live apart.

Really? Missed that part. That is a different situation then

telestrations · 15/02/2024 17:08

Can you offer to do a post-nup instead which would ring fence an equivalent percentage of the family home. Just as SIL did but retrospectively

If it's not this bit a case of needing their money back (maybe they thought they never would be miscalculated or COL) then I think both SIL & DH need give part back if they're so concerned with "fair"

Overwise I think they're just being mean because this disapprove of you having had a DC already

TimetoPour · 15/02/2024 17:08

After this, I would never be able to look at your in laws in the same light. Write yourself a list of questions:

Are they is some kind of dire straits that they need the money back?
Was the money given to your DH a gift or a loan?
If there were strings attached, why was DH not told about this?
Are the other siblings also being asked to return their monetary gifts?
Are they really that spiteful that they would take this money/opportunity from all of you purely to ensure your DD doesn’t benefit/inherit?

If they are still adamant that they want the money to be exclusively your DH,
Would they be happy for you to buy your new house as tenants in common with your DH holding a bigger incentive?

If none of this works I would give them the original £80K and never speak to them ever again. It would be up to your DH to decide if he would still like a relationship.