In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

Oh OP, what a stressful situation.

It sounds like your in laws don’t like you and really resent the existence of your older child, and want to avoid contributing in any way to the housing of your older child.

How do they treat you and your older child generally?

I would offer your husband to ringfence the 80k in event of divorce, maybe that will appease them.

Unless the other siblings are repaying I wouldn't give them anything tbh. How horrible they don't want their step grandchild to benefit. In your position tbh I'd cut contact they sound horrible

Could you tell them that DH's share of the house will just go to his biological dc as a compromise?

THIS.

I can actually see their point of view, but they have gone about it extremely poorly, and to ask for 'added value' is just gauche in the extreme. No no no.

I haven't read all the comments, but my parents gifted my ex and I 20K when we bought our house. When you gift something, it is up to the person who receives it to do as they wish with it. If you had bet on the lottery, would they be claiming your winnings? They have no right to try and benefit from the appreciation of your property which you own and have maintained. Have they paid towards the mortgage? Of course not! They are so out of order here! Also, you married into the family and have a son, who is now part of the family and should not (I think) be treated any differently.

How on earth do they think they'd have a relationship with you after this? No doubt it will sour any built up relationship you have with them already. I'd have to go NC after this, it's absolutely disgusting. Shame on them.

I am angry on your behalf OP. Don't give them a penny.

'it was a gift, gifts don't work like that'

on repeat, I wouldn't say any other words about it, personally

Well, I can see their point, I can see a different point, and I can also see that this isn't to do with you really.

Their point: I think it's fair that they want to treat all their grandchildren equally, and not take from their grandchildren to give to a child they're not related to. But, this does put you in an awkward situation wrt your DH, and it's difficult for your DH.

Different point: this is really pushing to the forefront the nature of step-families. Your DH's relationship with your eldest is not going to be anything like your in-laws' relationship with that child. Your in-laws didn't choose to have a step-grandchild, your DH is choosing to have a step-child. The consequences are for him to bear.

Not to do with you really: I mean, it's not. This isn't your house, it's not your money, it wasn't your gift. You've just arrived on the scene, really. This is all on your DH to sort out with his parents.

As for wanting double the money back because the house has doubled in value: if they're going down the route of protecting all their grandchildren, this makes sense. I suspect that if you didn't have a child already and all the children in the house were your DH's, this wouldn't be happening.

Personally, I think they're being terribly short-sighted (this is the best way to sow divisions) and it's not really family-minded. But, from a purely financial/ estate planning perspective, I can see why they're doing what they're doing.

I would suggest to PIL that you will buy the next house as tenants in common, ring fencing the proportion that was originally theirs for dh to pass on in his will. Once will has been written to only favour his biological children and shown to them if he wants to he can always rewrite his will to reflect an equal split (giving you a life interest in the property so you can stay there) and omit to tell them that he updated it. I would though also respect his wish if he kept it to just benefit his biological child(ren) especially if your older dc might also inherit from his father.

That way you can all benefit from the larger house while the dc are growing up but his biological dc will benefit more from his share in the house when you both die, hopefully in many years.

when we bought our house the bank wanted a letter as proof the money given by parents was a gift so wouldn’t be asked for in the future. They want it as proof of affordability. @ArnosLeach check what happened with your DH.

legally I doubt they have a claim. He should repeat back to them whatever was said and do that. They seem pretty nasty if they are acting in this way- trying to control DH with money. Be prepared to fall out with them coz they obvs don’t think they are rude.

I haven’t asked DH why he offered them £80,000

your dh can pull £80k out of a hat without the need to sell his property?

Wow. Your in-laws are completely and utterly vile. I would never have any kind of relationship with them again after this.

I can sort of see their viewpoint but they're going a very weird and unfair way about it.

Could they not arrange something with a solicitors so that upon both their deaths or one death this money is subtracted from your DH (their DS') share of the will and given to the sibling in question? Why the need to have it divvied out?

It is very unfair on you and your DH though and seems like a slap in the face towards your DS (their step grandchild).

I've been a step grandchild and have never benefitted (nor would I expect to) from their estate, though DB did receive a DFC and WW2 flying uniform (step grandad was a rear gunner). My grandparents in the latter scenario divorced though when nana was 70 and step grandad the same age. Partly for business reasons, they owned a business together but both wanted to sell their joint properties and wind up the business and buy new separate properties. The other step grandparent (step grandmother) couldn't leave me anything as grandad didn't make a will until the last minute which was a deathbed one! And then all hell broke loose after that!

i’m guessing there’s not much love lost between you and the in-laws op

Nor would I, I'd go NC and they'd bloody well know the reason why too. How dare they do this.

They're arseholes and they wouldn't get a penny from me and they wouldn't have a relationship with me or any of my children either. They've shown you what they think of you, if I were you I'd go non contact with them, what your DH does is his choice 💐

If it was a gift then they have no right to any repayment.

Sounds like parents feel a bit miffed that the 80k they gave has increased massively in value and they don't want you or your son to benefit from that.

Offer to ringfence that amount going into the new home, but unless the brother and sister are repaying their deposits then I wouldn't be in a hurry to pay it back.
It would also massively impact the way I viewed them going forward.

If your house had gone down in value, what then? Don't pay them a penny, they are being unreasonable and it's none of their business that your husband remarried - the deposit was a gift to HIM to do as he wished with it!

It's not the IL's money.
They gave it away 15 years ago.

They can't retrospectively add limitations and conditions.

If there was ever a point to raise it as an issue it would have been before their son got married - not 5 years later.

I'm curious to know if the gift that was also given to the other siblings at the same time is being rescinded?

The eldest, who is a stepchild would inherit a part share, along with the bio child of dh.

but it was 80k they gave on a now 650k house, it is a fraction the eldest would inherit from the gps 40k of theirs.

gp are angry he married someone with a child thus eldest getting half of the 650k eventually.

Strings on money should be signed for at the time of giving it. eg, this is ringfenced if you marry someone with a child. They then need to act on the legal doc if their son does not in turn ring fence the money away from the stepchild, it’s almost impossible, would be hard to get an adjudication decades later as it’s too complicated.

If they are not getting their other children to give it back then they are being petty and if I were your DH I would say no. What a pair of twats they are, just because there is a child involved who isn’t “blood” 🙄

How can they think that you would have a relationship with them after this demand for money?

I would be getting your Dh to dig out the paperwork from when he bought the house. If I remember correctly there was a big thing about parents/grandparents gifting money for house deposits and the mortgage companies didn't like it being given without a signed letter from the parents stating it is a gift and not to be paid back.

Hopefully the paperwork is in the house and that is your and your Dh's priority, finding it.

I think it is awful that they are treating you this way and shows what they think of you. I would seriously be considering going very low contact with them.

I wouldn't even acknowledge them, I cant see that they have a leg to stand on?