In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

I'd give them their £80k and hope they choke on it.

I wouldn’t give them a penny back.

Do you honestly think they’ve split their will equally between their dc given they feel comfortable making this demand? He’ll never see it back in inheritance lest it eventually end up benefitting your dd, and that’s if it wasn’t already depleted by care costs.

Nah fuck that, I wouldn’t be putting my family at a disadvantage of £80-120k because my in-laws are arseholes

My own DM was always very worried about her inheritance going in part to DSD , so your post doesn’t shock me as it has some others here. It’s sad but not that surprising.

The key is the terms of the original loan or gift and whether you and your DH want these people in your life . Find out what the legal position is - that’s the least you need to do , anymore is dependent on whether you want these people as part of your life

Honestly, I would be shocked by this too.
They gifted your dc the money but now want 160k back?

They sound awful.

It sounds like your dh offered 80k to pacify them - but I don’t think I could ever have a normal relationship with them after this (and I wouldn’t be making an effort to support a relationship with grandchildren)

It doesn’t sound like they have thought this through very well at all.

Unbelievable.

This does seem strange. It totally depends what was said at the time, but unless it was specifically an equity investment, the most they could ask for was interest. But, if that wasn’t discussed, then returning the original deposit is the maximum.

On the face of it they sound incredibly mean. But, do you get on with the or are you estranged? Also, are you intending to move miles away? I think either of these two might make them think that you are happy to have their money, but not to have them as people in your life.

ain the absence of the above they do seem mean and grabby.

When DH and I bought a house, I brought a sizeable deposit into it. DH brought nothing (sold his house for what he'd bought it for). I did ringfence my deposit because DC aren't DH's. Likewise we are tenants in common so that if I die first and he remarries my DC don't get shafted. However, if we split up now, I'd actually be happy with a 50/50 split because I feel he's earned it. Although I outearn him now, for a good few years he paid more than 2/3rds of the costs and a priceless contribution in family labour with my DC etc.

I am all for people not being exploited and people protecting their independently acquired assets, but this situation is so terribly sad. And it's certainly not thinking about what's best for the biological GDC. The excluded child is their half sibling. This could drive a wedge between the children and deprive them all of a relationship that, if supported, could be incredibly nurturing and supportive throughout their adult lives - particularly since the children will (hopefully) outlive all the adults in this scenario.

I don't understand your in-laws at all. The risk of your DS benefitting from this money occured when you married their son. The house is now the marital home and has been for some time. Why do they consider the purchasing of a new house changing the situation?

Wow ! They don't like your eldest child and resent their son being involved with a woman who already had a child.

Did they come to your wedding,
do they give your son birthday / Christmas presents?

Did your husband know the deposit came with strings attached ?

How will your eldest benefit at the expense of their other dgc. I'm sorry OL you have such arseholes as PIL. Your dH needs to have words.

Wouldn't be surprised if your husband had been taken out of their will at this rate so no money could be passed onto a kid that wasn't actually related.

Lots of posts saying they'd pretty much fling the £80k back at them then go nc, like that's a win.

I wouldn't. I'd laugh and tell them that the gift was 15 years ago and you can't ask for a gift back. And that you can't afford to gift them £160k as they've requested, or even £80k or £5k so unfortunately it's a no.

Cheeky fuckers wouldn't get a penny from us.

Why was sisters money ring fenced and not the menfolk? It's just so weird. The fact that they want the increased value makes it weirder as that's not money they sacrificed. What happens if your BIL gets divorced ? What if you and dh get divorced. So messy. They are incredibly stupid as well as spiteful.

I think n you need to read it again when you are sober

@Noideawwhatsoccuring I can’t believe you ah e married your dh and he never mentioned he managed to buy the house only because his parents paid a large deposit on it though. Sounds like he kept that from you on purpose

Where did you read that he kept it from her?

Nowadays you would have to sign an agreement to state that it is a gift, will not get required to be repaid & that the donor will not benefit from it. I know this because I've just done it & the mortgage company insisted on it. Was there such an agreement? I don't believe there was when my father did the same back in the 1980s.

Cut the assholes off.
Give them the 80k, only if you can I suppose. No more.
never visit them again, they should have no access to your children.

A gift is not an investment that doubles over time.

The cost of greed unfortunately. Assholes.

If it a was a gift then they are being unreasonable.

Similar thing sort of happened to me when I was first with my now husband. He had £5k in a savings account from a family friend. We got help to buy ISAs which happened to be with the same bank so when my husband logged online to see his HTB ISA the £5k was there too. Unfortunately I was silly enough to say to him in front of MIL “ooh look the £5k is there too so you can see the interest on that account too”…

Next thing we know, the very next day the family friend suddenly needed that money back to buy his sister a house… despite them being in their 70s…

My DH then had to transfer the money to his brother… who apparently sent it onto the family friend…

It was all very weird, but I just think his mum thought I was “after his money” despite having more than £5k in savings myself and coming from a more well off family… she basically didn’t want me getting my hands on it… 10 years later we’re married, share our money 50:50 and have bought our own house without the help of that £5k…

Funnily enough we try to limit the amount of time we spend with the in laws…

Do the gp want the money from the house or at least their part to go down the bloodline only? Tbh that is a v common sentiment. But what I do not understand is do they think that you will not have a child with their son, so have written off the bloodline aspect. It was a gift, it’s totally outrageous to want it back, it was for their son foremost, if it had strings, it should have been signed for legally. Ok they want it to go to their sons child but even so.

OP's ex had a vasectomy.

She already has a child with her now-DH and is trying for another.

Well clearly they feel that only their blood relatives should benefit from their money.

You can argue whether this is an appalling attitude to have, but ultimately it is their money and up to them.

Their attitude may be because they have seen a situation in the past develop where someone was deprived of an inheritance unjustly and want to guard against it. So the reason for doing it may be more rational than you think.

Three options IMO :

i) Keep the money and tell them to get stuffed. In which case your husband may well lose his relationship with them and maybe future inheritance.

ii) Pay them back fully and be free of their conditions.

iii) Allow them to ringfence the money in the way they want.

If they have a way to prove contractual arrangements for the deposit to be returned they may have a case but if they don’t, they don’t have a leg to stand on.

No contract, not in the deeds, you didn’t even know they provided a deposit at all? This is something they need to talk with their son, not with you, if he indeed received that money.

Learning the difference between a gift, where you lose all control after it has been given, and other types of intervention where you put in caveats to ensure everyone knows what the aim is and what is required of everyone, is a really important thing to learn.

Unfortunately a lack or deliberate misuse of communication means that often people don't know where they stand.
They should have been clear from the start that they didn't consider this money a gift, and still felt partially in control of it. If they wished to "trick the system" and pretend it was a gift when it effectively wasn't, then that's a both a financial risk and a risk with the relationship they have with their son.

If you end up giving them money, I'd only give them the £80k as they presumably haven't been paying towards the mortgage for the past 20 years, I'd also ask them if it was worth it, because that £80k has just bought them out of your lives and won't be seeing their grandchildren and step-grandchildren again.

What arseholes, I'm sorry op ☹️
Is your DH close with them?