In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

Would you say you didn't want to risk a nearly 9 year old benefitting from your largesse when they have been family for 5 years? If you would please don't give anything as it isn't generosity.

Can't you just lie and say that if you buy a new home then your husbands deposit will be ring fenced so your child doesn't benefit from it? Obviously don't do that unless you think that's fair but just say it so your in laws won't feel like your eldest is benefitting?

Their logic is faulty. Your child benefits in so far as they have a bedroom to live in, but since they don't have an equity stake in the house they aren't taking anything at the expense of the other grandkids. They are splitting hairs and being very petty. I certainly wouldn't give them back as much as they are asking for - that's ridiculous. Maybe the initial deposit at the absolute most.

The original deposit was £80,000, they want £160,000 back to reflect house’s increase in value.

No way.

My DH's parents did this when we went VVLC. Smaller figures involved, but they basically said they'd given him £20k towards his flat - for some of the deposit, plus funding a bathroom upgrade as he couldn't afford to do both - and then we bought a house together. They then decided they wanted that money back.

I think DH spoke to him and said it was a gift, and there'd never been a stipulation that it would be repaid. We couldn't afford to pay it all back once we'd just bought a house, but said we'd set up a payment plan or get a loan, and they kicked up a fuss that they didn't want DH to suffer, but I should pay it. They dropped it after that.

There's no way they'd get an increase, though. Even my CF in-laws wouldn't expect that. Neither would the bank. Surely that was the exact reason they loaned him the money - so he could get on the ladder and work his way up?!

DH could reassure them that he's protecting his interest in your new house, if he wanted to. It wouldn't necessarily need to be true, but might reassure them.

Only if on the deeds.

Nailed it

I think it depends on the conversation your DH had with his parents at the time the loan was given. We gave one of our children £25k towards a house deposit on the understanding that the money would be paid back out of the equity if they move. In reality we don't want it back, but I would expect the offer to be made.

@Mistlebough I think you'd be fine if you made the agreement that you were LOANING it; because your child would then take that into account when deciding to upsize - they'd need to wait until their property had appreciated enough to cover the loan back to you, as well as a step up.

But I've never personally heard of that stipulation. I didn't get any money from my parents, but lots of friends did, and it was a gift to get them on the property ladder. There's not usually any expectation that it will be repaid.

I’m curious you say one of your children. Did you level up with your other children?

If he really wants to shut them up he could give them the 80k plus interest which would have been really low until recently. Maybe 1% so 800 pounds? Absolutely no way should they get another 80k.

You have said it twice but I still don't get their logic that...
they feel my eldest will benefit at their expense
Does this mean if you didn't have an older child they wouldn't ask for it back?
My thoughts would be... don't sell, yet anyway.

I would be wanting to know how the fact the house we lived in had been bought due to my husbands parents gift/loan hadn’t been mentioned in the time we dated and got married

When the money was handed over initially, do they have evidence of paperwork and was it given as a gift, or as a loan? If a loan there would also need to be a documented schedule of replayment or evidence of repayments made to support their claim on the initial amount via legal route, but they'd have to whistle for the extra £80k.

They are being incredibly short sighted, if they are unable to accept that you are their son's wife. They either accept his choice and view you and your son as his as family or there will be trouble ahead. If they couldn't afford to give it, they shouldn't have done so.

If they now find themselves in financial difficulties in their older years because something in their circumstances has changed, then they need to talk to DH about this and if they need help then ask for it so you can repay their kindness, but I'd be suprised if this is the case.

They're making a very bold statement and I presume they'll regret it as this is a very divisive move.

OP you're living the standard of life you wouldn't be able to live without this man (his 650k house + upgrade + your small 1/3 contribution to food/bills)

Can you please let go of the PIL comments towards your DC and just enjoy life? Many many women would love to be in your place. Please count your blessings.

The forum is full of people who are sad they'll never own their own home. Would you be able to have a decent mortgage by yourself?

It sounds to me you're counting their money. It's not yours to count. This business is between your husband and their son.

Can you sign a post-nuptial agreement that ring fences between £80k - £160k for your husband’s biological children?

They aren’t entitled to any of it back and the way they’ve phrased it is horrible but can understand them wanting that money passed onto their grandkids if your eldest is likely to inherit from their bio dad.

I'd be really interested to know how their demand has impacted on the family relationship. It surely can't be anything but frosty?

What about her husband and the child they have together? Is it OK to punish them because their son married someone with a child?

@Greentangerines our other child didn't need the money but we would make it available if they did. We have made an adjustment in our wills to reflect the difference.

As this was intended as a gift you don't need to return it. Legally or morally.

Yes there may be a falling out over this. But I can't imagine your relationship with them will ever be the same anyway.

Wait, so they only want this money back because you have a 9-year-old that is benefiting from a place to live? What fucking arseholes!!

I wouldn’t have even offered the £80k back, given that siblings were gifted the same.

DH should tell them it’s not up for discussion. If he does decide to give them any money, I would never see or speak to them again, and I wouldn’t want my DC anywhere near them either.

What horrible nasty people they are.

Well, I hope you personally haven’t done any diy, bought anything to make the house nicer, do any maintenance including cleaning it, because then by their twisted logic they should pay you back out of the £80k which is their profit on their ‘investment’.

When you married, your husband brought a house to the marriage; you brought a child. That child may grow up to make a major contribution to the welfare of mankind, a contribution which may be of far more value than a few thousand pounds of real estate.

Can you please let go of the PIL comments towards your DC and just enjoy life? Many many women would love to be in your place. Please count your blessings.

How can you let go of it though??

If I felt my in-laws felt so strongly against my child (and, by extension, me) that they felt they needed to make this demand, I truly could see no way forward in a relationship with them. To be seen as such outsiders even after marriage is horrible.

I'd tell them to bog off.

The OPs husband has been asked to pay 160k out of the blue. Obviously that's her business too.