Page 26 | In-laws want their deposit back

ArnosLeach · 2024-02-15T14:30:33+00:00

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship. Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering. The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc. We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit. They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value. They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

bridgetreilly · 16/02/2024 11:50

THEIR son will benefit from being able to live in a house suitable for his wife and family. They are being absolute CFs about the money, incredibly unpleasant about your son, and unkind to their son. Frankly, I would get DH to tell them all that and explain that if they actually care about their children and grandchildren they will shut up now.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/02/2024 11:54

OVienna · 16/02/2024 11:38

Could he even pay them outright? Can you just get a loan for that amount of cash against your house? Goodness knows what the interest rate would be and if he said it was to repay a loan they'd ask for the paperwork, I am sure, to prove it. Which he/they doesn't have.

I THINK when we have increased our mortgage to do building works I had to show some kind of a contract around it.

The aggro and inconvenience and stress around all of this for your DH would be incredible.

Has something happened to trigger this?

It's not thought through.

Edited

The motivation is that the in laws don’t want the OP’s child by an earlier relationship to benefit from the money they gave their son, because they are not a biological grandchild. The trigger is that the OP and her DH mentioned they were considering moving, so in laws saw an opportunity to not only recoup their money, but 100% interest as well. Utterly unconscionable.

TheNoonBell · 16/02/2024 11:58

I would ask them if they are really sure if this is path they wish to go down.

If they reply yes, then inform them any further contact will be taken as harrasment. Cut them out completely.

Rosscameasdoody · 16/02/2024 12:00

troublemeltslikelemondrops · 16/02/2024 11:05

The £80k relates to what DH put into the house before marriage, so if he feels the right thing to do is to repay it, that's his business. I don't think you should get an opinion there. This isn't a matter of legality: it's family business.

If your ex wasn't on the scene, would your DH adopt your child?

If the answer isn't an easy yes without thinking, I can understand why his parents aren't comfortable with passing on their wealth to both of your children equally.

If the answer is yes, then it's clear that he needs to facilitate his parents building a better and more meaningful relationship with your first born. I mean, that's the real issue - that they don't see both your children as members of their family.

As a short term solution, I wonder if your in laws would be happier if you and DH could have mirror wills which ring fenced big gifts from his parents to their biological grandchild? There would still be a risk of him dying first and you running off with 'their money', but it would show an understanding of their position.

You would hope as they build a stronger relationship with both children that they would want you to amend the wills to remove those clauses.

I don't think you should be looking to cut the relationship here as some other posters have advocated. Rather, I think you should be looking to improve it. You have your little family unit which works - it would be even better if your in laws could accept that unit and be part of it.

The gift was given before their son married, and it didn’t have a ‘no stepchildren’ clause. Whether OP DH would or wouldn’t adopt her child is irrelevant - they are part and parcel of their blended family and the only people singling them out for different treatment are the in laws. To be honest, I think no matter what happens about the money - whether it’s repaid or not - the PiL have at the very least tainted their relationship with the OP and her DH, if not ruined it altogether. They’ve made their feelings toward her child crystal clear and I don’t think there’s any way back from that.

Eventingmum · 16/02/2024 12:04

I want to win the lottery but it's not likely to happen.
They can ask for it back and you can rightly say no, especially as it has no legality around it and you never knew about it.

Hankunamatata · 16/02/2024 12:04

Are they annoyed that dh didn't ring fence his value of the property before you married?

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 16/02/2024 12:10

Wonder what's behind this? If everything's been fine until a house move was mentioned, I'd want DH to probe a bit. Ask his DP in a puzzled tone, do they realise what they're asking, and is it just his family or are his siblings also expected to pay back. If they then say it's due to their non-bio step grandchild, he can offer to ringfence the £80k for his own bio children, but warn them they're crossing a line to treat his wife and his step-child so meanly. If they still want it back, he should refuse and inform them he'll be cutting all contact with them.

ManchesterLu · 16/02/2024 12:14

ArnosLeach · 15/02/2024 14:40

The original deposit was £80,000, they want £160,000 back to reflect house’s increase in value.
It was a gift given to both siblings as well.
DH offered them 80 but they feel my eldest will benefit at their expense and at the expense of the other grandchildren

If this is the case I'd tell them, in no uncertain terms, to fuck right off. And when they're done fucking off, fuck off a little further. And then repeat until there is physically no further off for them to fuck.

They sound like absolute arseholes.

horseyhorsey17 · 16/02/2024 12:14

This doesn't even make sense - the ILs (horrible) idea that the non-biological grandchild will 'benefit' from the property is the same whether they move or not. Unless it's something to do with how the now-grandchildren will eventually inherit, maybe, which also doesn't make much sense.

I would give them the £80K back and then cut them off completely. If they were prepared to treat my child like that, they can f off and when they get there, f off some more. But they wouldn't get that 'interest' because that's not how anything works and they're nasty, grasping, CFs.

Rst123 · 16/02/2024 12:15

If it was truly a gift it’s unlikely they can force any demands on your husband in relation to the house unless there was a specific agreement in place. I would definitely suggest getting legal advice though! How horrible for you, I’m sorry this is happening.

wombat15 · 16/02/2024 12:15

If they were that bothered they could have put a charge on the property after giving your DH the deposit so they would be entitled to the money back on selling the house. They are lucky that he has offered this anyway and to ask for double seems very greedy.

I don't get the being worked up over what your DC inherit in the first place given you are probably (hopefully) not going to die for decades and who knows what may happen in the meantime.

There's obviously more to this unless they have always been nasty people.

FrenchieF · 16/02/2024 12:16

You’re a family, it’s awful the reason they are using to get the money from you and your family.
I could understand it if they needed the deposit amount back that’s fair enough, but to double it so your child doesn’t benefit is really unreasonable.
this would make me reevaluate my relationship with them.

wombat15 · 16/02/2024 12:16

Rst123 · 16/02/2024 12:15

If it was truly a gift it’s unlikely they can force any demands on your husband in relation to the house unless there was a specific agreement in place. I would definitely suggest getting legal advice though! How horrible for you, I’m sorry this is happening.

They could have put a charge on the property. The fact they didn't suggest no agreement.

OVienna · 16/02/2024 12:17

Rosscameasdoody · 16/02/2024 11:54

The motivation is that the in laws don’t want the OP’s child by an earlier relationship to benefit from the money they gave their son, because they are not a biological grandchild. The trigger is that the OP and her DH mentioned they were considering moving, so in laws saw an opportunity to not only recoup their money, but 100% interest as well. Utterly unconscionable.

Show quote history

It felt to me like there had to be more to it. OP also says: Bolt from the Blue. But I wonder if there is more going on in the background than they realised. It's so malicious.

justasking111 · 16/02/2024 12:17

I'm wondering if there isn't a sister of his behind this poking away behind the scenes. Egging them on.

tutttutt · 16/02/2024 12:22

Sandy8765 · 16/02/2024 10:10

People never cease to amaze me, its not your house its your husbands, his parents gave him £60,000 and you say oh they dont need their money, you dont want them to have the money back even tho its not your money..you are greedy greedy greedy, your house is worth £650,000 and you still want more..there are children starving in this country

You are right in one thing. People never cease to amaze me in their ability to get all the facts incorrect whilst recounting a post. It's £80k not £60k. It was a gift and acknowledged as such but a loan. The request for double the amount back is indicative of nastiness. The ILs have made it clear it is specifically to prevent the step child gaining benefit from a GIFT given over a decade ago. The ILs are completely in the wrong here as stated by everyone else on the thread. Is that you ILs?

GoingDownLikeBHS · 16/02/2024 12:23

People tying themselves in knots here trying to justify the behaviour of the in-laws. This is a little boy, a 9 year old, he's known the OP's DH most of his life. How can they say in 50 or 60 years time what will happen?! Everyone has said lots about the original £80k (100% interest tho that's a good deal eh?) but ultimately, what a bunch of greedy spiteful assholes.

They put the £80k in so now they can leech off their son or hold him by the balls for the rest of their lives (and I bet they drag siblings into it so they can continue the "feud" they'll create). Pure spite.

GoingDownLikeBHS · 16/02/2024 12:24

@tutttutt OMG I missed that post - beggars belief.

OVienna · 16/02/2024 12:28

GoingDownLikeBHS · 16/02/2024 12:23

People tying themselves in knots here trying to justify the behaviour of the in-laws. This is a little boy, a 9 year old, he's known the OP's DH most of his life. How can they say in 50 or 60 years time what will happen?! Everyone has said lots about the original £80k (100% interest tho that's a good deal eh?) but ultimately, what a bunch of greedy spiteful assholes.

They put the £80k in so now they can leech off their son or hold him by the balls for the rest of their lives (and I bet they drag siblings into it so they can continue the "feud" they'll create). Pure spite.

Who's trying to justify the in-law's behaviour?

T1Dmama · 16/02/2024 12:29

So what they’re saying is that when they die they won’t leave anything to their son because he has a step child who will benefit from the inheritance? What nastiness!

Merrymouse · 16/02/2024 12:31

The £80k relates to what DH put into the house before marriage, so if he feels the right thing to do is to repay it, that's his business. I don't think you should get an opinion there. This isn't a matter of legality: it's family business.

If they want £160k back from the sale of an £80k investment without declaring a capital gain, it is a matter of legality.

slithytoveisascientist · 16/02/2024 12:36

RestingPassportFace · 15/02/2024 22:29

My half sister will get half of my Mum's house. My sister and I will get a quarter each. Reason - my stepfather wants his share to go to biological child only.
It's possible that it ends up sold as care home fees anyway.
Your husband has taken on your child from the age of four. He has not adopted them though and they stand to inherit from their biological father.
You are married and so I assume you are now on the deeds of this house or will be on the next one. To that end then, you have already inherited 50%/gained from the marriage and the house. If the grandparents wanted money ringfenced for their son/grandchild, they should have said this five years ago.
I would ignore their request entirely and move as you wish or move/ringfence 80k for the grandchild to placate them (but equalise it at a later date on your will/pending your ex's will).

Does that mean your mum won't leave anything to your half sister? Will that be hard?

T1Dmama · 16/02/2024 12:38

ArnosLeach · 15/02/2024 20:56

It is only DH who has a stepchild. His siblings will not be asked to repay their gifts as they only have biological grandchildren.

This is so evil of them!
Do they buy your eldest Christmas and birthday presents? I think it’s horrendous that they treat him so differently! Their son chose to take on a step child and they should respect that!
I can see them skipping leaving any money to their children and instead leaving it only to their biological grandchildren, which will cause upset between your two children, as one will have money for a deposit or whatever and the other will struggle!
You DH needs to have quite a frank discussion with his parents and tell them that they are being disgusting with their behaviour!! The gift was to HIM, and his siblings also received gifts, how you use a gift is entirely your choice…. And you don’t have to repay that gift if your circumstances change…..
Id be tempted to sell up and move and never tell them where you’re going and never contact them again!
How horrible of them!!

CatherinedeBourgh · 16/02/2024 12:44

T1Dmama · 16/02/2024 12:38

This is so evil of them!
Do they buy your eldest Christmas and birthday presents? I think it’s horrendous that they treat him so differently! Their son chose to take on a step child and they should respect that!
I can see them skipping leaving any money to their children and instead leaving it only to their biological grandchildren, which will cause upset between your two children, as one will have money for a deposit or whatever and the other will struggle!
You DH needs to have quite a frank discussion with his parents and tell them that they are being disgusting with their behaviour!! The gift was to HIM, and his siblings also received gifts, how you use a gift is entirely your choice…. And you don’t have to repay that gift if your circumstances change…..
Id be tempted to sell up and move and never tell them where you’re going and never contact them again!
How horrible of them!!

Show quote history

Why would it cause upset?

My half siblings are receiving millions from their father. I'm not.

He's their father, not mine. When my father died, my half siblings wouldn't have been entitled to anything from him (if there had been anything to inherit, which there wasn't).

It's just the reality of blended families. I don't really see the issue.

I'm sure OP wouldn't contemplate making her dc from a previous relationship share whatever they inherited from their father with their half siblings either.

LittleOwl153 · 16/02/2024 12:44

It would be relationship over for me with his parents.

Assuming your DH treats your kids equally, I would be cutting the kids out of their lives as the neither child needs to grow up with that dynamic it is so damaging to them. Your older child is already seeing this and likely the younger one too. It will wreck their sibling relationship and result in confidence and self esteem issues for all.

If your DH doesn't treat the kids the same then I'd divorce him and his parents can have him back. (And I'd be trying my hardest to ban the grandparents from seeing the youngest too).

The money I would keep. It will be so detrimental to all 4 / 5 of you to hand it back and as there will be no ongoing relationship anyway you might as well keep it. It will likely be all your DH gets from them anyway.