In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

They are being awful. There are lots of families with step children, totally normal situation these days, and they should just love your first as one of theirs given the marriage is long standing and they have known that child since it was an infant. They are ridiculous petty people.
Do they plan to cut your dh out of their will altogether because he had the temerity to marry a woman who already had a child?

his parents love my son like their own.

@Helpmeout124

they won’t but that doesn’t mean they don’t truly love him.

and how they treat and behave is the real clincher, so lovely that it’s all equal

Could your DH's Will reflect that the £80,000 gift from ILs will just go to the biological grandchildren. Ithink this could appease them? You get to keep the money so you are not financially disadvantaged but they get to transfer their legacy to heir biological grandchildren. How much has the house gone up in value since the house was bought? Could you compromise at ring fencing £100,000?

I think this is a good compromise that might save the relationship

I don't think that's a fair comment to make about people (on the face of it unless there's a massive drip feed) you don't know, you can't possibly say. It comes across a bit patronising.

I’d refuse to pay a penny and would go NC immediately.

How do they know that their other children will never end up with someone who had children?
They cannot be certain that this won’t happen.
It all sounds a bit odd considering their money has helped their children live better lives and was given a long time ago.
I do think paying 80k back is sensible. Any more is not on.
Difficult situation but often parents do treat children differently.
My ex in-laws did far more for their daughter than they did tie their son and me.

The right thing for your DH to do is tell his parents he has no intention of repaying the money and then go NC because of the way they are treating his stepson. If he doesn't do that, I'd be questioning the marriage, because your in-laws' treatment of your eldest is diabolical and hurtful and harmful and your DH continuing a relationship with them would be condoning it.

He had a vasectomy before our child was born?

so who’s child is it?

I'm confused!!

@DuckBee

That's exactly what they fear will happen, and why they're doing this.
They want to take that gift out of the pot so that they can give it back to their son (OP's DH) after the divorce is settled.

If their deposit formed your ex husbands portion of the deposit then HE should pay them back (I.e. you both provided 50% of the deposit then your half is your half.

As to the increase in value (double!?) that is absurd - how are they valuing the increase because houses rarely go for asking prices.
Also would they accept less back if the house had gone down in value? I doubt it

Exactly this !

It’s about time DH stood up for his family.
I would have no respect for him.

They want it back because they can’t stand to think of their 9 year old step grandchild somehow benefitting?! They sound they lovely people

Have you read the OP?

I was going to suggest this too.

I really don't understand why GP's treat SC like this. It is awful. I know it is a bit different but I have 2 adopted N&N and no one treats them any different to bio N&N and DGC. I bet they would be the same with SC.

My in-laws have just gained 2 DSC. They openly say that they are nothing to do with them, and they are not part of their family. They are so unbelievably stupid. Do people honestly not think through their behaviour and think what the outcome would be for them - i.e. losing their DC.

I've often thought about how I will behave if I have DSGC and the answer is I will do why darnedest to love them and treat them as my own.

As a step child myself, I was the only one ( out of 5 grandchildren + 2 step) that have a shiny shite about my step grandparents. I was thoroughly welcomed into the family as a young child and I was the only one in adulthood who visited multiple times a week and eventually looked after my grandfather and their home, after my grandmother had passed away. It makes me really really sad that some step grandparents can be so awfully cruel to the children that join their family, all because of blood.

They’ve shown you where you and your child stand in their lives. Now, it’s up to your husband to make a choice on who is HIS family.

Read the OP again!

What awful people! I have similar with my youngest child's grandparents. They never want to include my eldest child in anything. Surely there would have been a receipt of some sort when the money was originally donated? It's a large amount to be giving away. I don't know for certain but legally I dont think they have a leg to stand on.
Morally, I think they're bitter, entitled arseholes too, but what it will do for your partner's relationship with his parents going forward, I don't know, and I dont see a positive outcome whatever happens.
I'm so sorry you have these dreadful people in your life.

This is really interesting.
You should know your DH well enough to decide if there is any possibility of this?
I know you said he was devastated, but this does make some kind of sense.
Is your marriage as strong as ever it was?
If so, your IL's are just plain old nasty. 😔

“Hi Mum and Dad.

Here is your £80/160k.

Now have a nice life because you will no longer be seeing us or DGC(s) again.

Bye”

(But no I don’t think you actually owe them the money, but I’d pay it to fuck them off for good and be done with it all)

They are disgusting. The money was a gift. They are essentially accusing you of being a gold digger. If your DH goes along with this I would be questioning the whole relationship. So sorry OPxx.

God how bloody sad

I'm so pleased with how well my in laws took on my eldest when DH and I met. They loved him to bits, treated him equally to all other grandchildren.

We lost FIL a couple of years ago, and he would have been so proud to have watched DS1 go off to Uni

I mean, what sort of person worries that ANY 9 year old might inadvertently benefit from a gift

I think this is absolutely dreadful of the in-laws, there's no coming back from something like this.
If I were your DH I would go back to the solicitors who he used for the house purchase and get them to check the status of that £80k "gift" when his parents gave it to him for the house. Just so he's absolutely sure it was a gift. I wouldn't be returning it under any circumstances, let alone double the original amount.

As a family, there's no coming back from something like this, they have made their position very clear and I don't see how you can continue to have a relationship.
I wouldn't return the money by the way, I think it's pretty clear your DH won't be inheriting when they die now. I just hope your DH is able to stand up to them. What a horrible mess