In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

"DH offered them 80 but they feel my eldest will benefit at their expense and at the expense of the other grandchildren"

Wait isn't the 3 and a half year old their biological grandchild? (also any future children you are TTC) Are they disinheriting him then because he has a step sibling? This is such batshittery.

They also can't ask for pure profit in the house When they've paid nothing towards stamp duty, maintenance etc and as I said before will be subject to capital gains tax if its an investment. You can't have your cake and eat it.

However fuck them, where does it stop, they'll probably change their wills if they're so offended by their step childs existence so don't expect the return of the "gift" to be the last of it.

What horrendous people. The money was a gift. If they wanted to impose rules such as revoking it if he took on another man's child, then they should have detailed that when they gave it. Same applies to having interest.

I would flatly refuse, they have already destroyed your relationship with them by demanding it back, the harm is already done, how can refusing to return it make things any worse? If they 'kick off', surely the siblings won't support them?

This really sucks and your DH must be gutted. What has he said about it?

One approach is to try and reflect back to them what an awful thing it is. You could ask them to clarify exactly what they want, and why, preferably in writing or by email. You could tell them it's so you can take financial advice. Paying them back money after so long could have tax implications anyway.

My parents get caught up in weird thought patterns sometimes which can be very hurtful. They've always been odd and I have distanced myself. But I had a open conversation with my brother recently where I told him about some of the things they've said and done. I wish I'd done that years ago. I'd encourage your DH to talk to his siblings.

Good luck OP. At least you know where you stand with them and what sort of people they are.

This is such a horrible situation OP. I wouldn't be advocating no contact or anything but I would find it hard to actually like people who said what they said about your older son.

I'd be tempted to have your dh say to them "no problem. I will return the gift of 80k as you have decided 20 years later it is no longer a gift. It was never an investment so I won't be giving you a return on an investment you didn't make. I will be returning it to dad (presuming here he was the main earner) and will advise him to ringfence it against you, Mum, as you are not family - you married in - just like my wife"

But honestly, I think the more mature thing to do would be to ask to sit with them and even get a mediator to talk this through. Because the 80k can go back but the words they spoke cannot.

My own MIL treats her two step grandkids like her own. She is a lovely woman. I can't imagine it would cross her mind that when her estate is settled and her son gets his share it might go to the step grandchildren - well if it did, she'd be fine with it.

yes and like others said would also really encourage your dh to talk to his siblings about this. If this happened my sibling or sibling in law, I'd be very upset.

OP, I don't have any advice for you but my DH and I went through a similar ordeal - and are only now getting to the end of it.

My husband's parents gave him he money for a deposit before we met, and a further amount of money they technically called a loan, but said they wouldn't recall.

Years later we met, married and had a child and mentioned moving house to them.. They lost it, called in their loan to try and ensure we couldn't afford to move.

There isn't a happy ending to our story - DH is estranged from his parents now, they'll get their money back but the relationship is dead in the water, and our children don't have grandparents now.

The relationship you and more importantly your husband have with them is never going to be the same unfortunately. Whether they're paid back or not, by saying what they have they've rung a bell that can't be unrung and they've showed you who they are. I truly hope no matter the outcome you and your family continue to thrive.

They sound vile.

I hope your dh stands up to.them and tells them where to go.

I'd be done with them tbh.

Even the thought of the 2 of them sitting down having that conversation is just sickening.

They're even want to take money their biological grandchild would be likely to inherit back just so that your other child doesn't gain from them financially? That's a pretty extreme measure

Whackballs

They would get the original deposit back and then the relationship would be fundamentally cooler from then on and I certainly wouldn’t be bending over backwards if they needed help in the future!

If your DH had a mortgage which depended on the £80,000 I think the money has to be declared to the bank / building society as a GIFT not LOAN so the borrower is not over burdened with other debt re. repaying the mortgage. Also realistically you would not be able to buy another house if you repay the money even £80,000 because you then could not afford it - so it can't be repaid.

Wow! What disgusting human beings they are!

Neither the op nor her husband owe his parents money or anything else at all. This is crystal clear to every other reader of the thread, including if you read the ops posts to the parents in law, who say they know that no one has to return the money.

And this:

DH offered them 80 but they feel my eldest will benefit at their expense and at the expense of the other grandchildren.

That is so ugly of them.

Wow. They are vile. Truly, truly vile.

What a disappointment they’ve turned out to be.

I'd give them 80 back and never speak to them again. How rude they are.

This is truly vile and disgusting of your PIL - how could a sane and rational person even think this let alone say it?!?
OP I am shocked and upset for you. You and your DH now face making some very difficult decisions, but, whatever you do the relationship will never be the same.

They have crossed the line. I am a big believer in forgive and forget and I will let so many things go but not this. It’s not about the money for them it’s about their dislike of your child (and by extension you). Do the treat your older dc differently? Do they exclude them deliberately or make snide remarks?

in your shoes, I would sell the house, move into a bigger place and not tell the PIL my new address, go NC with them. Do not pay them back - you can’t give back a gift.

first hint that they were being rude / isolating to my son (i do not expect same love etc as they feel for their grandson but my goodness - if i felt they were isolating, judging…) I would have given dh an ultimatum he either address this very clearly with them that not acceptable or my son and i will have absolutely
nothing to do with his parents.

is it possible that your dh and in-laws are in cahoots?

If he “pays back”, let’s say £80k. This money is then with them. Which means in any divorce settlement… you wouldn’t be entitled to a penny of it because it wouldn’t be his / family money. It would be his parents money

and then post divorce… that £80k straight back with him

They sound like arseholes. Your first child was presumably a toddler when you got together, and that they're so obviously showing favouritism would infuriate me.

But...you need a practical solution. And when it comes to inheritance, if your eldest does inherit from his Dad's side then you may feel like you want to even things up or your youngest may be much worse off.

Could you offer to ring-fence the deposit (plus any value increase) legally or in wills, to ensure that amount goes to your youngest? That way you can still use it for a house, but the amount is protected in a way that might satisfy them.

Sounds like they are concerned your first child will benefit from his/her father’s assets as well as their son’s assets. If so, the person who most misses out is your second child. It’s pretty awful reasoning, particularly considering your DH’s siblings received the same leg up in life and they will keep the money regardless of how many children they do or don’t have..

How do you get on with your in laws generally? Do they feel you married their son for financial security? Otherwise they don’t seem to trust your husband’s judgement and ability to make fair and reasonable decisions to take care of the people he loves.

You need to step up for your eldest child here OP. You've acknowledged and just accepted they treat her different and she will have felt that acutely and even more so that her mum seems OK with that. Forget the money that's secondary you have a you problem first in sticking up for your firstborn against these awful people.

@Pallisers I get your point and I am in agreement that they have been shits but

I will be returning it to dad (presuming here he was the main earner) and will advise him to ringfence it against you, Mum, as you are not family - you married in - just like my wife
Makes no sense as the wife obviously is family as she gave birth ti the dh. The analogy isn't sound. They aren't saying the op isn't family. They are saying her first dc isn't family.

That's so sad, I have a 9yo from a previous relationship and a 3 and 1 year old with
my fiancee, his parents love my son like their own. They don't exclude him, and would certainly never want to take anything way from him so he wouldn't benefit 🫨

they've actually just made him his own room at their house as he's the only boy in the family, amongst 4 biological granddaughters and decorated it with panda's because he loves them. What a horrible sad situation 💔

You don't owe when it's a gift.

exactly

i can’t fathom that the Op only seems to want to make a stand when money is involved

not for the 6/7 years of her daughters life where she has been very evidently treated as a second class citizen by these people