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Original poster

In-laws want their deposit back

1000 replies

ArnosLeach · 15/02/2024 14:30

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 15/02/2024 23:19

Perhaps the safest thing is simply to not respond at all in any way, see if a complete absence of their son and his family in their life helps them focus. Don’t pay, don’t reply, don’t answer the phone, don’t read emails.

barkymcbark · 15/02/2024 23:29

They sound vile and I'd not want a relationship with people who have that kind of attitude towards my child.

Asking for the deposit back is one thing if they needed the money, but to double it is taking the piss. That's some investment return.

WhichPage · 15/02/2024 23:29

Yuk

Similar happened to me

what do DH siblings think about this ?

justasking111 · 15/02/2024 23:34

We gifted money to sons to buy a house. If they were to remarry and take on a stepchild it would not occur to us to ask for the money back.

Ignore them would be my advice. Their son is still in the house, will be in the new house. They're so out of order. Your poor DH

DoodlesMam · 15/02/2024 23:41

ArnosLeach · 15/02/2024 14:30

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

think DH is going to have to have a frank conversation with them that explains that if he has to give the money back so do the siblings. Or it's discrimination!

sunshinestar1986 · 15/02/2024 23:41

I don't think you should pay a penny back
If you can afford it, I guess you could pay the original gift amount back
How embarrassing for them OP
Who asks for gifts to be returned 🙄

Dibbydoos · 15/02/2024 23:47

With or without an agreement, you owe them the money.

I know it's a shock and feels like a horrible thing, but you need to suck it up.

I'd personally try to negotiate you split the difference cos you've maintained and looked after the house, but don't be surprised if they say no.

You're challenge is obviously what you can now afford to buy.

justasking111 · 15/02/2024 23:50

With or without an agreement, you owe them the money.

why? Their son hasn't died, just married someone with a child. She's not the whore of Babylon.

AnnetteKurtan · 15/02/2024 23:53

We are being asked because they do not wish my eldest to benefit from their money.

it was a gift, and it’s fuck all to do with them even if your eldest did. Your DH has a right to live his life and his money as he sees fit

Winter2020 · 15/02/2024 23:53

Hi OP,
On a slight tangent from your OP but I just wanted to make sure that your partner has made a will. I believe step-children do not automatically inherit when someone dies without a will so if you both want each of your children to inherit equally on the second death then you would be wise to have wills, for example mirror wills that specify that each child inherits equally including your husbands step-child. Use a solicitor to make sure the will is crystal clear.

You might want to make sure that your children inherit something on your death (in the event that you die first) as if your husband remarries (which invalidates any will unless it was made "in contemplation of marriage" or something like that), and went on to die leaving a spouse she would inherit everything (up to a point - there is some division over a certain amount. It might give you peace of mind to leave something directly to your kids such as some of the proceeds of a life insurance policy. Speak to your partner about the importance of making a will as an urgent priority if he were ever to remarry after your death and that you would want "your share" at least left to your kids and not his partner.

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/02/2024 23:54

Dibbydoos · 15/02/2024 23:47

With or without an agreement, you owe them the money.

I know it's a shock and feels like a horrible thing, but you need to suck it up.

I'd personally try to negotiate you split the difference cos you've maintained and looked after the house, but don't be surprised if they say no.

You're challenge is obviously what you can now afford to buy.

What? They gifted the money to their son years before he met the OP. Why does he "owe them". They have admitted it was a gift and their decision is to exclude their son's stepchild. They don't owe the parents a single penny. Let alone double the original gift!!

Merrymouse · 15/02/2024 23:55

Dibbydoos · 15/02/2024 23:47

With or without an agreement, you owe them the money.

I know it's a shock and feels like a horrible thing, but you need to suck it up.

I'd personally try to negotiate you split the difference cos you've maintained and looked after the house, but don't be surprised if they say no.

You're challenge is obviously what you can now afford to buy.

Without an agreement they don’t, and as others have pointed out that is relevant to their mortgage provider (with whom they do have a legal agreement).

Gloriosaford · 15/02/2024 23:56

Had they explained that they were investing their money in their sons house? If so surely they are liable for capital gains tax on the profits?
The only reason I can see to pay it back is that they'll write you out of the will, but expect they will anyway, they are already playing siblings off against each other.
What a pair of batshit, personality disordered, nasty sh1ts!

Gloriosaford · 15/02/2024 23:58

@Dibbydoos
With or without an agreement, you owe them the money
Srsly??!
C'mon, on what grounds, pls explain your workings here!

justasking111 · 16/02/2024 00:00

God there must be some god awful step grandparents out there.

pizzaHeart · 16/02/2024 00:04

I don’t think that they have any right to request it : legally or morally. And I think it’s very stupid of them to raise this as it definitely affects their relationship with their son and grandchildren. But maybe they don’t care?
In a way, OP, it’s not about your eldest. It’s more about their attitude towards their own son. They basically want to punish your DH for his choices in life and in particular for his choice of partner. I would be furious if I was him. It just happened that the issue arose because of this move with you. Your DH could have planned moving to USA 7 years ago and could have got the same demand from his parents.
I wouldn’t give them money back, life doesn’t work like this.
However whatever he decides to do the relationship is heavily damaged. I can’t imagine being in contact with my parents after that. It’s so cruel. I wouldn’t trust them with my children anymore, I wouldn’t trust them at all. I would sell and move somewhere very far.

Are your in-laws rich? Do they hope that the treat of cutting inheritance will restrain your DH’s reaction? And would the threat of cutting inheritance restrain his reaction?

eilaka · 16/02/2024 00:08

I wouldn’t give them a penny. They are pure evil.

pizzaHeart · 16/02/2024 00:10

Dibbydoos · 15/02/2024 23:47

With or without an agreement, you owe them the money.

I know it's a shock and feels like a horrible thing, but you need to suck it up.

I'd personally try to negotiate you split the difference cos you've maintained and looked after the house, but don't be surprised if they say no.

You're challenge is obviously what you can now afford to buy.

well I didn’t know that we could request gifts 15 years back. Can you return all your birthday and Xmas gifts to those who gave them to you? And please cover wear and tear as you’ve benefitted from these gifts over the significant period of time.

Orangestheonlyfruit · 16/02/2024 00:10

Dibbydoos · 15/02/2024 23:47

With or without an agreement, you owe them the money.

I know it's a shock and feels like a horrible thing, but you need to suck it up.

I'd personally try to negotiate you split the difference cos you've maintained and looked after the house, but don't be surprised if they say no.

You're challenge is obviously what you can now afford to buy.

You don't 'owe' gifts. You 'owe' loans and this was a gift.

Gloriosaford · 16/02/2024 00:12

eilaka · 16/02/2024 00:08

I wouldn’t give them a penny. They are pure evil.

I wonder if they are too clumsy to qualify as evil?
In order to successfully control you with money they'd have to start subtly & gradually ramp it up. Here they've gone straight for the jugular so you can see exactly who they are.

Sidehustlequestion · 16/02/2024 00:15

There is no way I’d be allowing them near their biological grandchild if that’s their attitudes towards their sibling. It’s absolutely appalling! How does your DH feel/behave towards his stepchild? Is he hurt by this?
I have a cousin that was around 7/8 when his mum started seeing my uncle. They have always been treated equally and would never be left out like this. This can be so damaging. I’m so sad for you and your child OP.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 16/02/2024 00:19

These ILs are actually disgusting.

samarrange · 16/02/2024 00:24

On the bird-in-the-hand principle, I think the best practical outcome for OP/DH is likely to be to not pay back a penny (and of course it's the right moral outcome). But I suspect that whatever the OP and her DH do, there will be "adjustments" made in the PILs' wills to (as PILs would see it) "claw back" what OP and her now-9yo "don't deserve". Maybe DH's siblings can be persuaded (either now or when the time comes... it's going to be tricky to decide when is a good time to broach this particular topic) that it is they who don't deserve the extra £80k each or however much it is by then. But not all families are that close.

Kelly51 · 16/02/2024 00:31

DH offered them 80 but they feel my eldest will benefit at their expense and at the expense of the other grandchildren
If he repays the 80, how is your child taking anything from them or other GC.
If you divorced tomorrow you'd get half the house value.
They sound completely nasty and bigoted, Id cut them off.

Kelly51 · 16/02/2024 00:34

To add, they'll be long dead by the time it comes to your DHs assets being divvied up, they'll never know who gets what, pathetic.

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