In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

Op, it seems like someone has said something to your in-laws to make them think of even asking this.

Please do not go complete non contact with your in-laws - you have your DH and DC to think about.

Start it simply:

I think you can solve this in a very simple way with a cup of tea and piece of cake. You, and your DH, need to sit them down and explain that the money was given as a gift, and that if they are expecting it to be given back with interest, then you’ll need to inform you mortgage company of potential mortgage fraud which they were complicit in (you weren’t as you weren’t involved). In addition, you’ll need to report it to HMRC for tax considerations.

Then I would add in the effect it will now have on their biological DGC, because you’ll be paying it off well past them completing university (if they attend).

If that doesn’t work, then pull out the big guns - it’s 50% your home and you do not agree to any repayment. Should they wish to, they’ll need to take you to court. Which will then uncover the mortgage fraud, tax evasion and serious disadvantage to their DGC.

Step by step, they’ll soon see the error of their ways.

Unless of course they are desperate for the money?

Urghh I couldn’t get over this, up to your DH what he wants to do about the money, and you can adjust the cost of your next house accordingly, but hell would freeze over before I’d be facilitating them to have a relationship with either of my kids, your DH could but no way could I play nice with such a pair of dickheads!

At the moment.

Nothing to stop them remarrying, and that might be after the IL’s death.

Are they going to completely disinherit their son incase your DD benefits?

OP they sound horrid. I'm sorry you're going through this. Luckily the law is on your side.

The doubling of the gift that they now want to treat as a loan/investment seems particularly outrageous. But it's horrible to do that to your child anyway.

I would return to TTC and let contact between you and them fall away.

Very sorry they are being like this.

What does your husband say about this because it’s purely disgusting of his parents. He should want to disown them.

What a dreadful attitude to have towards your son, I’m disgusted !

There are some real wankers in the world.

Wow.

They are disgusting.

Would your husband suggest that they draw up the same agreement that his sister has so the money is ring-fenced if you divorce? How would he/you feel about that, OP?

I suggested this earlier but on reflection it's not helpful or relevant. Sorry, OP! Your over-controlling in-laws are behaving incredibly foolishly and offensively.

Cut the bitch out of your life. She is toxic and her differential treatment of your children is going to cause damage to their sibling relationship.

This is a very real possibility. Please don't let her poison your children's relationship.

They are assuming their children will automatically gift their houses to the biological grandchildren. When SIL & BIL pass away their spouses (also not family) will inherit the houses. They may then choose to sell and spend the money. Or it may go on care homes. But chances are it will not automatically pass down to grandchildren when their children pass on. Also how do they feel about the fact that YOU would inherit the house if DH passes? It would not have gone to your shared child anyway.

Is what they are saying that they don’t want your dd to inherit any money that originated with them? Or have a lifestyle enhanced by their generosity? I am not one who thinks ‘stepkids are the same as bio kids’ but even so…that’s mad. It was a gift to your DH, they have no legal recourse to ask for it back, much less to ask for double. If they dislike the fact that their son married someone with a kid, it’s tough. Write him out the will, they don’t get to recind a gift. But this is on your DH to arrange, if I were you I’d stay out of it and just avoid seeing/speaking with them.

They’re not entitled to double of what they contributed. It would be seen as an investment and therefore subject to a capital gains tax. It’s in nobody’s interest to open that can of worms with HMRC.

My half sister will get half of my Mum's house. My sister and I will get a quarter each. Reason - my stepfather wants his share to go to biological child only.
It's possible that it ends up sold as care home fees anyway.
Your husband has taken on your child from the age of four. He has not adopted them though and they stand to inherit from their biological father.
You are married and so I assume you are now on the deeds of this house or will be on the next one. To that end then, you have already inherited 50%/gained from the marriage and the house. If the grandparents wanted money ringfenced for their son/grandchild, they should have said this five years ago.
I would ignore their request entirely and move as you wish or move/ringfence 80k for the grandchild to placate them (but equalise it at a later date on your will/pending your ex's will).

If I was your DH, I would say ‘you can have the 80k back, but that’s it. Our relationship is over, you won’t see me or your biological grandchildren again. But if you want to reconsider your demand, I’m happy to forget this conversation ever happened and we’ll carry on as normal. Up to you.’

They are simply disgusting and I wouldn’t what my children around them.
If your husband gives the 80k back it would be the end of the relationship with parents for me .
No way would I pay them 160k

Surely how your husband deals with thissats a lot about how he feels about the family he has made of his own .
He need to now decide what’s more important to him . His wife and kids or his horrible parents

If I was the DH I genuinely don't think my relationship with my parents would ever recover. Demanding £160k back is utterly ridiculous.

I don't wholly disagree with their logic but the 80k should have been ringfenced before OP and her DH were married. The house is now a marital asset so that ship has long sailed. They are being idiots.

I am outraged and disgusted on your behalf OP
If it were me they would be getting their £80k back in a “here, have your fucking money” kind of way, and I would never be speaking to them again. And I would play merry hell with my DH if he didn’t agree with my actions.

Another long timer on here who hasn’t seen such a horrible scenario before.
I suppose the money side is up to your DH but I would never speak to those people again under any set of circumstances

Whether or not you give them the £80k - and after 20 years I would be telling them to fuck off - your relationship with them is over.

You should let them know that if one of them passes away the other remaining IL may take up with a third party soon after who then gets the windfall when that IL dies - so perhaps they should address this matter as a greater concern first with each other rather than worry what your child will get?

How have they treated you?

I would be cheeky and tell them you’re getting divorced and as the house is a marital asset it’s going to be sold and the profit split 50/50.

How awful for you. My relationship would be severed, it’s harder for your dh I know. I don’t think I would pay a penny, but I know it’s not all your call here. I think perhaps your dh should say would you like 80k and to never ever visit us again or see our children? Thats what I’m offering. Yes or no. Please message don’t call.
i hope his siblings are decent people and horrified by this. Invite them all around except for the nasty fucker parents.