In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

I think this is sensible (has your DH spent any money improving the house over this period, because any gains for IL s would need to be offset by that) but whatever the outcome their mercenary attitude has now ruined the relationship and they should be made aware.

What was his reaction to the fact its about your other child?

This. The inlaws gave all their children the same amount of money. The OP's husband shouldn't be penalised for investing his money in property.

If you (DH) can afford it I'd be tempted to give them what they're asking for, tell them they'll never see their grandchildren again and that you hope they think that's worth it.

Do PIL not see how mean-minded and pathetic they sound? And how divisive their behaviour is? Their son has welcomed a child into his life and lives as a family with his own child, his wife and the step-child. They are rejecting the step-child, making a demand which is small-minded, greedy and risks their son's financial position, their relationship with him and their DIL.
They sound awful.

This is really unfair. They sound like horrible people?
How do they treat your eldest in general? Do they buy birthday/christmas gifts etc..?

Nope. It was a gift. They have no right to it being paid back.

Your husband needs to say “no”. End of.

If what OP is saying is correct and it was a gift. They can grow up and I wouldn't give them back a penny.

If it was interest only the capital won't have reduced over the 15 years. He may have made ad hoc capital repayments to reduce the balance . If he repaid them 80k as the return on their investment and kept the ini-tail gift that might be ore logical, if still unreasonable.

There's no way I'd give them back this money. Asking for double the amount they gave is absolute cheeky fucker territory. If you dh feels he wants to give back the original 80K that's his prerogative, but for me it would absolutely kill the relationship if my parents did this.

The fact is your husband married you and if he is happy to share his home and money with you (and your child) then that's the only thing which matters. What do his parents think marriage is, if not the formation of a family unit?

Your dh should be telling them that you are a family and that the financial arrangements that are made for the children are between you and him.

I can't believe they would risk losing their son because they are so resentful that a child who isn't technically their grandchild will benefit from an inheritance years in the future. Or that they resent the children of your marriage being on equal footing, as siblings should be.

I understand wanting to protect their son from financial loss in a divorce, but he's a grown man and if he wanted to marry and share everything with you , then it's none of their business.

I would encourage your husband to just say "no" and roll with whatever fall out that may create.

I am making the assumption that he had the same as his siblings, that it was a true gift and there was never any suggestion that it would be repaid.

If you have to repay an extra £180K that is something like an extra £1k a month for 25 years. You can't take that hit for the next 25 years just to be proud.

I think he should just say "no - the money was a gift".

They might change their wills to disinherit him or your child (sounds like they would already not put your eldest in their will) so I would be ready for that but at least you won't have to find 1K extra a month for the next 25 years!

I’m so sorry OP. Not only would I die on the hill of ‘no FUCKING way’,

I would also want my H’s full and vocal support for myself and my first born.

Have you and your H considered a getting Step-Parent Parental Responsibility Agreement?
”What a Step Parent Agreement does do is give you the same legal rights and obligations in relation to raising the child as the biological parent or parents.”

If you and your H share an understanding that this is effectively how the relationship works anyway then it might be useful in protecting your child and making sure that in your family unit they never feel ‘less than’. (Plus be a lot harder for your ILs to throw their weight if your H can tell them that ‘your’ DC is legally just as much his responsibility and family as your second DC.

Your ILs view is appalling and I’m so sorry you are on the receiving end of their prejudice.

This is incredibly ignorant and downright cruel of them.......... I'm seriously shocked.

Ahh yes your right. I had forgotten about the curse of interest only residential mortgages...

This isn't going to end well.

If he repays them the £80k plus the return on investment and they don't demand this if his siblings then he will resent his parents and it's very much relationship over.

If he reminds them it was a gift and refuses to pay then again its probably relationship over with his parents.

I'd go with reminding them it was a gift and asking directly if they're asking for the money back from the siblings and day you'll pay back the gift if the siblings do.

What does your husband say about it?
It is really out of order. My in laws are Italian too and obsessed with blood relatives.

It winds me up as it means fuck all. They overlook any misdemeanours or vindictiveness as 'they are blood and can do no wrong'.

I would never speak to them again. Do you not want to go round there with a blunderbuss?

Is not your husband not terribly hurt?

What disgusting people. Eww... Protect your family form these cold arseholes op. Limit contact. Of course don't pay. That was a gift.

Just to add that there's no way I'd be signing any paperwork ring fencing part of the value of the house for bio children only - that just divides your dc and I wouldn't be indulging that shit, just because they are mean arseholes!

I have been on Mumsnet a long time and I have read some petty, nasty things on here, but these in-laws absolutely take the biscuit.

OP, please don't expose your precious children to these vile people

I'd make some promises about Wills and leaving the money to the blood line only... then ignore

I'm so sorry OP, what a dreadful situation, especiallly after you've had a mc.

Has yours and your first dc's relationship with PIL been good until now? This is going to be awful for your husband as it will
mean choosing between doing the right thing by your family (ie saying no to them) and pleasing his parents. I am flabbergasted that they didn't think that he'd choose you and that his relationship with them would effectively be at an end.

It sounds like your DH is a lovely kind man who has treated your dc like his own-as is right and proper. I hope that you manage to find a way forward with this as a family and that ttc is successful. You have each other, bugger the cold, grasping in-laws! And for what it's worth, in your shoes I would hope that once my DH had told them a big fat no, I'd be the bigger person and still make an effort to see them and have a relationship with the gc. But in all honesty I'd tell them to do one!

Don’t drag the siblings into this by the way - they could be your allies in a big way, even if only out of their parents’ earshot, and are likely to be in you and your family’s life for any more years than his parents.

If they take their parents’ side that’s one thing but assuming they don’t then leave them well out of it. Certainly don’t go implying that if your H doesn’t get a gift neither should they - or that you’ll repay if they do. No-one is, or should, repay anything that’s the bottom line.

I’m sure your ILs will find a way to factor all this into their wills anyway.

But I would advise the legal step parent responsibility thing - not just because of their current request (although it would be a great way for it to massively backfire on the ILs as far as they are concerned!) but especially in case anything, god forbid, should happen to you… you want to make it as hard as possible for your H’s family to separate off the two children if any difficult circumstances arise (assuming you and your H want them treated equally).

So, if they take back the £80000 that they’re concerned will benefit your eldest, surely they’re also disadvantaging the youngest? If they want to fall out over it, I’d return the £80000 and cut ties with them. No way would they be getting double the money though. Your husband’s time in it (and I assume any improvements) have made it double in value, not anything they’ve done.

So they agree it's a gift.

Just tell them it was a gift, so unfortunately you won't be regifting the money back.

They have no legal stance what can they do? Go no contact? Hardly a issue when they are treating your eldest so appallingly.