In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

If they died and your husband inherited money he could spend it on what the fuck he likes including your eldest, so I don't get their logic!

It's like they want to prevent your child 10-20 years in the future having any type of financial advantage gained by proxy from them.

You have a whole other issue here as well OP, I would be furious after the shock subsided, what arseholes.

It depends on the terms. Was it a gift or a loan.

What was their attitude to you when you married your husband? How do they behave when they are with your older child? Does he call them granny, grandad etc? Do they seem to love him? Do they treat him differently to your other child?

How do they think their other grandchildren are being disadvantaged exactly? What difference does it make? Totally outrageous behaviour. I know others have said they'd pay them off and then refuse to speak to them any more - I'd just refuse to speak to them! They have no right, either moral or legal, to that money so far as I can see.

If it was a gift you’d of had to give paperwork for the mortgage I believe

did they do that?

OP I would NEVER give it back. If it was a gift and all the other siblings get to keep theirs then they don't get it back and they would never see us and the kids again.

Whether they have the money back or not, the relationship is over. So keep the 80K deposit and move on.

It's bad enough they are asking for an €80k gift back, but they they compound it by asking for the uplift in house value too and for the ultimate bitchiness they being your eldest soon in to it.

If my calculations are correct:

Original Position:
£325k original house price
£80k gift
£245k your DHs value (albeit inclusive of mortgage)

Post Sale Position:
£650k house value now
£180k returned to them
£145k clears existing mortgage
£325k Remaining cash

Therefore, husband is actually better off than when he started even if he returns all the money at £160k.

You might not be able to buy what you want but you should at least be able to borrow enough to get you a similar house to what you have without his parents hanging over you.

So either give it to them and cut them off & if there's any advantage in reporting them to the taxman, do it (not sure on tax position on gift from son to parents us re CGT in the UK).

Or just give them €80k and be rid of them.

Or enter a stand off, PILs, we have decided to stay put and not move as it's no longer feasible if we have to pay the £160k.

Either way, to hell with them.

I would give it back out of madness- mobry well spent to never have anything to do with them again.

They probably removed him from the will.

This is just so mean and nasty. They admit there is no legal basis for their request, and that they don’t want your eldest child to benefit from their money. Despite the fact that your husband, their son, has taken in this child who is part of the family. I would not be able to move past this. It is so spiteful.

Personally, I would not pay them back any money. They have acknowledged it was a gift. And a gift without conditions. Given 20 years ago ffs! Your husband needs to stand up to them here. The money will not be returned and we are so very shocked that you could be so nasty towards xxxx. We need to distance ourselves while we consider if we can continue to be around people who are so hateful.

I think this is one of the saddest posts in here… do they actively dislike them?

It depends when that rule came into being…We bought a house with help from my parents in 2001, and didn’t have to declare where the money came from

Give them 80k and tell them to FO and no contact going forward.

Are they mean about your child in any other way?

Families are weird. This struck me from your update We are being asked because they do not wish my eldest to benefit from their money. it’s the sort of bizarre thing my mum would reason. If it was a gift, end of. Sorry you have to navigate this. Horrible thing to do to their son, daughter-in-law and biological grandchild in order to “cut out” their step grandchild. Just awful.

Jeez this thread.

1. WTF do people think the institution of marriage is for, if not the merging of finances and assets?
2. I'm surprised so few people are aware that if you are gifted a deposit from parents you have to state as much when you apply for a mortgage. The fact that you might have to pay tax on it if they die within 7 years is taken into account. My MIL had to sign a piece of paper stating she had no intention of living in the property too, when she gifted her son money that was used for our first house purchase. Considering the law over gifts in England is pretty solid, the OP's ILs don't have a leg to stand on.

Fucking hell, I'm almost lost for words here. Apart from the downright nastiness, I just don't get their logic. Perhaps your husband could tell his parents that your eldest won't actually live in the new house, he'll be chained up in the back garden or be put in care or something. Would that keep the old bastards happy? Seriously, fuck them and their £80k. What a pair of cunts.

My god they are vile. They gave the money to your husband and siblings, they are prepared to treat one of their children differently to the other two because he has the audacity to call in love with someone who already has a child!

That money was given years before you, I would not be giving any of it back if I was your dh

and if I was you I would now be ceasing contact with them, including not letting them see their biological grandkid

What a pair of cunts

they want double what they gave as a deposit? I somehow doubt they would have doubled that money had it been in a savings account. They want to take some of their sons equity, cheeky beggars.
I'd get your Dh to offer to ring fence their deposit (not double though) and ear mark it for their grandchild.

All the family could come to an agreement and have it written into their will that their money goes through their bloodline.

As far as the finances go, I agree with PP who says you should stay out of it. This relates to an arrangement that long predates you, and is between your DH and his parents. Anything you do to involve yourself is going to go very badly with your in laws, and may make the negotiation even harder for your DH.
As far as the personal element goes, I couldn't get past the fact they have done this to protect their assets from your DS. It makes some very unpleasant assumptions and speaks clearly of their feeling he is an outsider, and this is not a family I would want to be part of, so would be keeping my contact to the minimum I could get away with. Ideally, none.

Ooh what fucking arseholes these people are.

Your DH needs to stand up to his DPs here. You both shouldn't putting up with them being so nasty and being so bloody brazen about it!

Wow. They really are delightful. I would give them nothing at all and also go NC.i feel really sorry for your DH finding out how horrid his parents can be.

It's remarkable that they acknowledge it was a gift yet want it back PLUS the profit
Insanity

Are you moving further away from them ?

definitely don’t give them it back. They can’t possible expect it to be returned. Absolutely ridiculous.

Legally you don't need to pay them back
Morally you don't need to pay them back as it was clearly a gift

So that leaves you with a couple of choices either when they say jump ask how high and keep jumping, or stand up for yourselves, tell them they are being unreasonable/controlling/manipulative and risk your inheritance relationship with them.

We went for the latter and the relationship remained civil over the next 30 years but far from warm. It wasn't a surprise we were written out the will (so were dh's brothers who also pissed MIL off for other reasons), but it was worth it to not pander to her for 30 years, and never been prouder of dh when he told her exactly what he thought of her behaviour.