In-laws want their deposit back

[ArnosLeach]

I married 5 years ago and I have a three and a half year old and a nearly nine year old from a short lived relationship.

Full background as I am anticipating the questions I would want answering.

The nine year old sees their father once a month for a weekend. I assume that my ‘ex’ owns his house. He had a vasectomy before our child was born. We do not communicate on any level other than if arrangements need to change. He pays a set amount every month but every month will buy shoes/clothes etc.

We moved into the house my husband had bought fifteen years before. It has doubled in value. Following a miscarriage last year we are trying to conceive again and we are looking to move house. We mentioned this to the in-laws a fortnight ago. I did not know that they had provided DH with deposit.
They have now asked for twice the deposit back comprising the original sum and the proportion of what that deposit has added to the value.

They feel that my elder child will benefit from their largesse. We are both completely gutted by this. A bolt out of the blue.

Unless they ask his siblings for the money back, plus extra, say no entirely. They’re awful. Maybe write up some kind of agreement that if you ever get divorced, he gets the £80k out first then you split the rest according to any financial settlement so you can tell them that his money is safe if you split. But don’t give them anything.

If they gave that as a gift then that’s it. It’s a gift, they have no claim to it and they certainly have no claim on the increase in value unless there was an agreement to that effect. Honestly, if your husband doesn’t choose you and your son then I would leave him. Because they have very clearly displayed what they think of you and your son by asking for this. So it’s you or his parents I’m afraid.

I still can’t get my head around two parents DEMANDING they must profit from helping out their own child. Taking £80k from your own child that doesn't belong to you (the additional 80k they're demanding on top of the original 80k, I mean).
Shameful behaviour

Out of order. I guess their view is your child will inherit from her father so therefore may inherit twice so to speak. But so what. Give them their 80k and go no contact

Are the in-laws taking the money back from your DH's siblings? If this is not the case, DH needs to be having strong words with them .I could never imagine doing this to my children, let alone charging them interest! Good luck!

Their reasons are horrible, absolutely awful. They’re really saying if you didn’t have a child their DS could keep the money but because one day in the future ( when they’ll be long dead) your son will benefit they don’t want him to have equal to his siblings. That is vile.

Sorry OP, I hope your DH stands his grounds, offers them their £80k and then I’d have nothing more to do with them. I’m a deposit giving granny with a step dgc, never would I do anything to hurt her or make her feel unequal to the “full” dgc.

Have you not read the OP's post?!?! Her dh's parents want DOUBLE the deposit back! it's one thing to want the original £80,000 back but they have no bloody right to an extra £80,000!

Also as the OP stated she also pays into the household income herself so exactly how is she freeloading? It isn't her fault she met her DH when he already owned the house and his parents should have been honest that it wasn't a gift but a loan when her dh first bought the house.

The whole point of the in laws gifting OP's dh the deposit is so dh could benefit which he has but the OP said her in laws are doing this because they want to make sure she and her son don't benefit from 'their money' so your logic is flawed there. The Dh Has offered them their £80,000 back they want double how is that fair when it isn't their money the demand in the first place they're effectively demanding and expecting to make a profit off their child on what planet is that acceptable?

They are horrible people. How sad. If this was never discussed then they only get 80 nothing more. Was it gifted or meant to be returned? Did they discuss interest?

How much is the house worth now?

Thank you for your support. I have never posted on mumsnet before. I gave details about my ex as I assumed people would ask if my elder child is likely to inherit from someone else.

The £80,000 was given as a gift, the in-laws acknowledge this. It was given 20 years ago, 15 years before I married my DH.

The siblings were given the same and aren’t being asked to return the money.

We are being asked because they do not wish my eldest to benefit from their money.

I don’t know if DH is going to speak to his siblings but I doubt it.

They acknowledge the money was a gift and they acknowledge that there is no legal basis for the request.

A couple of people have got the impression that I am living in the lap of luxury. I live in a very normal semi-detached house. The house I grew up in was a lovely detached house that my mother still lives in. It’s worth £190,00! My sister’s house is a semi like mine and is worth £150,000.

The in-laws are Italian although MiL was born here after the war. They earned their own money and I don’t think they need money and DH thinks they paid for his sister’s new kitchen last year. DH’s Brother-in-law is English like me, Sister-in-law has an Italian father and Irish mother. I don’t think having different heritages has a bearing on in-laws’ actions.

Us potentially moving doesn’t alter my legal position, I don’t know but opened up an opportunity for them to speak to my husband about something that has bothered them for the last six years.

My parents gave me £5000 to help with my deposit. If I made a profit when I sold I'd be offering their £5000 back. Their original £5000 helped my LTV so I could get a cheaper mortgage. It's not so much the £5000 but the effect it had on the repayments that helped most.

@ArnosLeach I suspect theres a bigger backstop here?

Did his parents approve of his marriage to you? Or are they thinking that you're with their son so he can be a surrogate dad for your eldest?
Do you get along well with them?
Do they see something in the relationship that makes them doubt it will last and giving your child as a reason is just the excuse to cover that?

To be honest, seeing how many mumsnetters are always goading women to divorce their husbands, it's quite hypocritical of mumsnetters to not understand his parents wariness over a potential divorce. They will be aware that many of the most recent generation dont take their marriage vows seriously and they may be thinking you might be one of those to walk out of your marriage and if the house is in both names, the grandparents have 'lost' the deposit which they originally would have wanted to go only to their children/grandkids instead of partly lost in a divorce settlement/your new boyfriend.

In their position, I wouldn't ask for a gifted deposit back but I can kind of see their point. Ultimately, they want their money to stay in the family and your child will never be their grandchild and the child won't see your husband's parents the same way as your husband's own kids will see them. This is also true for your child, who will natural favour his biological family more, especially when he's older. This is why a lot of "blended" families don't work.

Hope it all works out though and there's no family rift.

Same.

Only got as far your comment, and it’s basically exactly what I would say. What a horrible pair of fuckers they are. There is no way I’d want my child to be anywhere near them again. They should take you as one family or not at all.
My OHs parents welcomed my two daughters from a previous relationship into their family with open arms. Then we had a child together, and they all got and still continue to get treated exactly the same.

*backstory

The £80,000 was given as a gift, the in-laws acknowledge this. It was given 20 years ago, 15 years before I married my DH

I'd give them £80,000 and tell them it will be the most expensive check they ever cash. Idiots.

How has your husband taken it? Is he able to ask his parents wtf they are thinking?

If you want to then tell them you will return the £80k gift but they won’t be making a profit off you, and once the £80k hits their bank account, they won’t hear from you, their son or their grandchild again as they’ve shown that money is more important to them.

Honestly, I would be done. I hope your husband is going to read the responses here to help him stand up to them.

I don't think a backstory matters, even if the OP shags a different man on the block every week and serves the grandparents dinner off the floor when they come to visit. It was a gift made to their son 20 years ago! They are being spiteful to the child. What has the child done to them? Baring in mind they met the little lad when he was two or three...

Also , regardless of their reasons, they're cheeky asking for double the deposit back. Which is why I think something bigger has happened to make them feel that way. The amount they gave was very generous so for them to u-turn like that, there must be some drastic concerns they have about you/the marriage/your elder child.

It’s not balls because going by the son’s reaction to the pay back request, they originally gave the money to their son as a gift. If they had wanted it to be an at call loan, they should have made this clear at the start with appropriate paperwork and ring fencing.

I think offering the original principal back + inflation would be a good compromise. Legally if the OP and her DH had refused to pay, the parents would not be able to get the money back at all.

WTF?!? A gift is a gift. He could have started a commune in the house and made everyone equal owners, or sold it and gave all money to a cats’ home and they’d still have zero right to anything.

It matters not what drastic concerns they may have about their son's wife and his step son. Trying to do a grab on double the gift amount is ludicrous and they must take their own son for a fool to even float this as a possibility and believe it won't sour the relationship forever, whatever the financial outcome.

Not only have they royally fucked their relationship with OP and DH they risk affecting the relationship between the siblings due to not treating them all equally and fairly.

The ££ was a gift not an investment in his home, are they asking his siblings for a profit?
Disgusting attitude towards you and your son, the decision on how HIS assets are split is your DHs choice not his nasty parents.

I guessing the fact that he never told his wife his parents put the money in, he may also not be telling her this is what he agreed to.

It was a gift 20 years ago, 15 before you were married, and presumably long before you were on the scene at all.
They acknowledge they have zero legal basis to ask for it back.

Not only would I not be returning any money at all, I would be very much hoping that your DH would be explaining, in extremely blunt terms, how offensive their request is, and that if they want to maintain a relationship with him or any of his family, they will stop trying to be divisive between the different members of his family.

I wouldn't expect anything in the way of inheritance from them though.

They’d have to take me to court to see a penny back and they wouldn’t lay an eye on me or any of my children again. I hope this is worth the loss of their grandchildren. What disgusting people they are. I hope your husband agrees and cuts them off entirely. Absolutely vile