AIBU to defend my daughter?

[stressedmummmm]

My daughter is 11 (12 in June) and she has been a handful to handle both at home and in school. She is starting to get into more and more trouble at school and I'm not sure what to do.

Recently she has gotten into trouble for googling her history teacher during class which the teacher. She's gotten an afterschool detention.

Previously she had gotten into trouble for being rude and combative to her very kind teacher. The teacher has said that negative consequences do not have an effect on her, and the sanction system fails her.

Another teacher has said she's so distributive in music class that the teacher has requested she be moved to another class as she didn't want to deal with her anymore.

At home, she will scream at me if she does not get what she wants. She is very rude to us all. She hits her brothers if they do not listen to what she tells them to do, for example, to turn their iPads down. She will scream if her food is not how she wants it. She will scream if I dont take her somewhere specific now.

She is very jealous of me hanging out with my friends or even speaking to them on the phone. If I go out with my friends she will call her father in tears saying I have abandoned them (we live close to my inlaws, and when I go out my inlaws kindly have the kids). She will also text my friends on my Instagram and tell them to not contact me/I don't want to speak to them.

Her father and I had a rough patch a few months ago and she was witness to a lot of the fighting. However, these behaviour issues are not new at all. Amid our fighting, she got into trouble at school. In the first term of the year, she had gotten (within two months) 25 negatives.

I lost my mum at 14. My stepmom was not kind, and she didn't like me. I ended up spending most weekends with my grandmother on my mum's side. As I got older I started spending more time away from my dad's house until I got married at 23, fresh out of uni. I think I tried to give my children as much love as possible, and I always try to show them I am on their side. Kind of us against the world. When my daughter gets into trouble I am the first to defend her, but it gets out of hand and the school has mentioned suspension and expulsion more than once. My children live a blessed life, they get everything they want. DD goes horse riding three times a week, and I am thinking of buying her a horse.

I am worried that I have raised a spoiled brat but that she also might be neurodiverse. Her brother has been diagnosed with ADHD, but he behaves much better and his issues were very apparent. Shes smart enough to be masking, but her behaviour is out of hand.

My friend tells me I need to become more harsh with discipline, and I should be punishing her more severely. Especially with the horseriding privileges. How should I do this? Please be kind, I am trying my best here.

The treats, the hugs and kisses are all the easy parts of loving a child, the more difficult part of love is the tough love- setting and holding boundaries and consequences ,

I agree with this.

OP, you are the parent! You cancel all privileges until she learns that poor behaviour has consequences, she's not five and from what you say she is quite aware of what she's doing. You withdraw privileges for as long as it takes, and don't give in, or she'll simply learn that she can wear you down. Let her throw tantrums, she'll get fed up. If you don't get to grips with this, she will get worse and become a complete brat.

What about the rest of the household, her brothers, etc.? Is this fair on them? What about the disruption she's causing at school? You have to start taking action on this. You say 'I do not want this to get worse for my daughter' - well, it will do, unless something other than hand-wringing is done.

She sounds like I was when I was at school. I got easily distracted by other children and ended up being disruptive. I was described as very clever at junior school and found lessons very boring which is why I started to rebel. Then my grades went downhill and I was put into a class for challenging children (remedial lessons) but also to help me on a one to one basis as I benefitted greatly from this. In the end I ended up being severely bullied to the point I was being collected after school by my Mum. This transferred into secondary school and at this point Mum got me horse riding lessons as a distraction tool and a way to improve my confidence and self esteem. It also helped me steer me clear of the disruptive kids at school and stopped me hanging around in gangs on street corners because I had better things to do. Eventually I was found a horse on loan and then eventually my own horse which had the effect of stopping me from hanging out with a partner who was no good for me.

Have a read about attachment disorders (AD). ADHD/ASD can often be mistaken for AD. Symptoms can be similar but functions and origin are quite different. Sometimes both can be diagnosed in a person.

Exactly. It's also disrespectful because there are far more ND people without behavior problems.

I agree with your post, I watch one family who's children are treated like utter shit by the parents, the children get screamed at, sworn at, mentally abused, they get things out into their head by the parents, ignored, it's awful, the parents claim the children are neuro diverse but it is actually terrible parenting and it breaks my heart to watch it from afar.

As someone with ADHD and a sibling with autism, what other signs are there except for her anger issues? Because if they’re the only symptom, you may want to address other things first.

Discipline first and if this makes no difference then I’d consider a child psychologist. Dont just jump to neurodivergence issues, there is often multiple factors happening, not just angry outbursts.

She sounds very clever and manipulative tbh OP. I would cancel the lessons until she learns how to behave. Make sure you’re not over arguing with her as well - sometimes kids are more affected by the silent treatment and gives them time to really think about things.

Also OP it sounds as though you are struggling with parenting. It’s okay to ask for help with this and there are professionals who can support you. Maybe you need some parenting support to get this right.

Do not buy her a horse, for fuck’s sake. She’s running absolute rings around you.

Why do you defend her when she does the wrong thing? As a teacher, I find this unboundaried approach unhelpful to the child and her teachers.

Just to be clear on this - I meant just one thing or the other - not both or more

make it realistic

ok if your dd gets a negative at school but the deal was she didn't have a tantrum all day - then she still gets the horse riding. Don't put the prize out of rach

pick one area of her behaviour and stick to that

What symptoms of ADHD do you think the DD is presenting with

Thegoodbadandugly

Warwickshire county councillors recently got into serious trouble for suggesting things like this. People need to be very careful about judgements and high pants

I haven’t read every post, but I’m curious about how you are parenting her brothers. How old are they? Do they have behaviour issues?

It doesn’t sound easy. I’m a single parent and my child has more screentime than I’d like…. definitely worsens his behaviour, but it’s hard to cut it down. But he’s not got a phone yet.

If you can, I’d take your daughter’s phone away until the beginning of the next academic year, and make it conditional on behaviour.

Horse-riding may be very good for her, perhaps make her earn the lessons through chores. Does she help with mucking out?

Have you ever set any boundaries?

Well, shoot me if you like, but my dd has generally had pretty much everything she wants. She has never really asked for anything unreasonable so why would I deny her?

As for having no consequences for their actions... surely all actions have consequences? I'm not sure how a parent could protect their child from these, even if they wanted to? If you're talking about arbitrary punishments though, rather than natural consequences, I never imposed these.

In terms of what I think happens to kids who are raised with most of what they want and no punishments, I'd say it's impossible to generalise as it would depend on so many other factors in their upbringing. Some will turn out brilliantly, others not so well...like most kids, really.

My own dd certainly doesn't seem to have suffered as a result of my approach.

I think you need to sit her down and say enough is enough.. List the type of behaviours that are unacceptable and then list the potential consequences of such actions..

I would also offer her strategies to manage her outbursts as they could be her communicating behaviour or they could be a consequence of not having many boundaries at home.

I would allow her the chance to modify her behaviour before punishing her. If things do not change her behaviour could escalate even further and what if your other children start to behave like her?

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves if your DD was acting like the OP's daughter what would you do? Keep giving her everything she asked for so she won't scream or hit her siblings?

Your right, but that does not stop it being true in some cases, I'm not saying in all cases but in some cases.

I’m going to go against the grain and say that with such a deeply unhappy child, don’t take away the thing she loves straight away. It’s good exercise and some happiness for her. So let her keep the lessons but she has to earn the horse (which should take 12 months) and to keep the horse, there are continued expectations of her behaviour or it will be sold. Taking away lessons should be last resort and you should tell her what would lead to this, then only take away one lesson at first.

there are other sanctions for teenS which will also impact such as screen time and phone contract removal. Or a “brick” phone instead of a smart phone.

Why are you considering buying her a horse? Is it because you hope it will change her attitude or simple because she wants/deserves one?

Of course not. I would try to get to the bottom of why that behaviour was happening and address the causes that I identified.

The OP has already told us that sanctions don't impact her dd's behaviour, so I don't really understand why people think that more sanctions will be the solution.

If it was me, I would explore ADHD particular as it runs in your family and girls do tend to mask. There could also be some PDA going on where demands cause huge anxiety. This isn't to say you shouldn't discipline her but knowing if she has ND will help you to find the right approach for her. Its not easy; PDA is tricky to manage but strategies like guided choice can help. It also sounds like you are overcompensating for your own childhood which is understandable but may not be helping your daughter here. Could you be also be sensitive to rejection and/or fearful of her response if you put in place a boundary? Adults who have had difficulties in childhood can often become people pleasers; I'm not saying this is you but something for you to consider. Moving forward, I wouldn't race to discipline her on everything; start gradually and work with school and perhaps consider some parenting support as well. There is no shame in this; there is help out there. I wish you well OP.