AIBU to defend my daughter?

[stressedmummmm]

My daughter is 11 (12 in June) and she has been a handful to handle both at home and in school. She is starting to get into more and more trouble at school and I'm not sure what to do.

Recently she has gotten into trouble for googling her history teacher during class which the teacher. She's gotten an afterschool detention.

Previously she had gotten into trouble for being rude and combative to her very kind teacher. The teacher has said that negative consequences do not have an effect on her, and the sanction system fails her.

Another teacher has said she's so distributive in music class that the teacher has requested she be moved to another class as she didn't want to deal with her anymore.

At home, she will scream at me if she does not get what she wants. She is very rude to us all. She hits her brothers if they do not listen to what she tells them to do, for example, to turn their iPads down. She will scream if her food is not how she wants it. She will scream if I dont take her somewhere specific now.

She is very jealous of me hanging out with my friends or even speaking to them on the phone. If I go out with my friends she will call her father in tears saying I have abandoned them (we live close to my inlaws, and when I go out my inlaws kindly have the kids). She will also text my friends on my Instagram and tell them to not contact me/I don't want to speak to them.

Her father and I had a rough patch a few months ago and she was witness to a lot of the fighting. However, these behaviour issues are not new at all. Amid our fighting, she got into trouble at school. In the first term of the year, she had gotten (within two months) 25 negatives.

I lost my mum at 14. My stepmom was not kind, and she didn't like me. I ended up spending most weekends with my grandmother on my mum's side. As I got older I started spending more time away from my dad's house until I got married at 23, fresh out of uni. I think I tried to give my children as much love as possible, and I always try to show them I am on their side. Kind of us against the world. When my daughter gets into trouble I am the first to defend her, but it gets out of hand and the school has mentioned suspension and expulsion more than once. My children live a blessed life, they get everything they want. DD goes horse riding three times a week, and I am thinking of buying her a horse.

I am worried that I have raised a spoiled brat but that she also might be neurodiverse. Her brother has been diagnosed with ADHD, but he behaves much better and his issues were very apparent. Shes smart enough to be masking, but her behaviour is out of hand.

My friend tells me I need to become more harsh with discipline, and I should be punishing her more severely. Especially with the horseriding privileges. How should I do this? Please be kind, I am trying my best here.

Please arrange for your daughter to be assessed for both ADHD and Autism. Having been through the process with our 8 year old grandson, it has been game changing on how we manage his behaviour and the support the school offers. I am surprised the school have not raised it.

I would say that you need to support the actions/sanctions from School. So, we knew that if we got in trouble at School, we'd also get in trouble at home! If I got a (very rare) detention at School, I was grounded/something removed at home. Maybe this was heavy handed, but it made all of us think about our behaviours, as we knew that it wouldn't be left to go by the wayside.
I would set some really clear boundaries with her, and groundlines for her behaviour. So, then she knows what is expected of her, and what the sanctions would be, should she not stick with them. I mean, she has rushes of hormones, and will inevitably act up, but you need to stop her turning into a total brat. So, a sliding scale is a good way to think of it.

Indefinitely until she starts treating you and her teachers with some bloody respect!

Jesus Christ mine wouldn't sit for a week if they screamed at me like that and they certainly wouldn't be getting a damn horse. Or still have a phone, that'd be sold.

Any games consoles would be sold and not replaced. Period. If they want to be ungrateful, nasty entitled little brats they can get a job and provide their own luxuries because I wouldn't be doing it.

They'd be doing their detentions then would get another harsher punishment at home. I don't tolerate disrespect and so far they've never done anything of that kind.

"My children live a blessed life, they get everything they want."

Hmmm not sure if your DS see it that way, witnesswd parents fighting, dad has presumably now left and sister hits them.
An angry home where they don't feel safe doesn't sound blessed to me.

This is really poor phrasing. It is unlikely that it is ONLY about OP’s parenting. This post implies that it can’t be both.

And FYI, I know that plenty of ADHD children don't have behavioural problems - I was one of those children myself and I have one as well.

I am absolutely not arguing that parenting is unimportant or that parents don't need to put the work in, but ignoring potential adhd and pretending that it might not be a major factor is unhelpful.

The OP needs to know if adhd is a factor or not, as that will impact on how the child needs to be parented. .

Imposing strict routines and consequences is likely to make the problem worse for some ND kids, not better. Not all children respond in the same way.

~@MrsBennetsPoorNerves I think the reason you're getting a lot of posters is because you said, I very much doubt that it's about your parenting.

Now you've changed that to say that parenting needs to be adapted for ND children, which most people on this thread are agreeing with, but that earlier comment stands out.

Whether this child is ND or not, she has never had any boundaries in place whatsoever. Which is not only bad for all children (boundaries don't have to mean strict rules, punishments etc) but can actually be quite scary for them because it means they're operating in a very uncertain world.

It sounds like you need support and your daughter could benefit from more input. Perhaps, raise your concerns with school and consider further assessment.

I agree, sounds a lot like my daughter before diagnosis/meds but only you know if she's likely ND or if your parenting has caused her behaviour.
I wouldn't buy her a horse but keep up the riding it had been a lifesaver for my ND daughter.

OK, I will accept that feedback. Of course parenting is always a factor. And indeed, seeking a diagnosis can sometimes be an important part of that parenting where ND is suspected.

My meaning was that I don't think it's primarily about the OP's parenting, but I will acknowledge that it could have been phrased more accurately.

I'd cut down on horseriding. O kybstip it kf she misbehaves whilst there. One lesson a week is what most kids I know get - three times a week seems madness. Don't get her a horse!!

As for you defending her - if she's in the right then yes of course you have her back, but if she's in the wrong then you back the school up and support them.

You ask about punishing her if school have already done so, talk to her teachers About what they expect if you are unsure. My son's school were usually clear about it - if they had imposed sanctions then usually said we didn't need to "punish" him as well but might ask us to discuss it with him. We'd always talk to him about what had happened anyway - what had happened, and why it had lead to the sanction and what was expected in the future.

It sounds like she's struggling. The jealousy of you etc - she sounds very insecure. I wouldn't jump straight to punishment.
Don't make a big deal of cancelling the horse riding.
If I were you I would go to family therapy with her.

I can't believe so many people are gleefully jumping straight to discipline she's a brat blah blah blah. Texting her mum's friends, calling people to say she's been abandoned - this isn't normal stroppy behaviour. IT's not good behaviour but she needs help, not alienating harshness.

Yes, I could have phrased my initial post differently. My intention was to say that I doubt it is primarily a parenting issue. Of course parenting is always important, but ignoring potential neurodiversity is extremely damaging!

You let the school tell you whether you need to punish your child or not?

You mention yourself doing the parenting and ask for advice how to do it. And also about defending her. What about her father - is he not a part of the parenting? What does he do with the children - does he support you in dealing with her - and how does she act around him? What about her brothers? Is she the only girl and annoyed about being treated differently or about favouritism or reacting to pecking order or something of that kind? And what is the family dynamic like generally?

I just want to come on to reiterate - please don't cut the horse riding. Why take away the one thing she likes and is good at and, if I'm reading your comments accurately, is when she behaves appropriately. That is a real punishment and will be counterproductive. To be honest, I suspect it would be counterproductive for most children, including NT.

Do say that her own horse is not possible until other issues have been sorted, sure. But allow her to work towards that.

Absolutely. Teenage years are soon and this will become so much worse.

Her poor teachers and classmates. It must be horrific for them.
You should be clearer and consitant with your daughter.

She should be told that she will have to stay home from horse riding if she has been rude that day. If her behaviour doesn't improve when known consequences occur, take her to be assessed.

I would also use getting a horse of her own as incentive for behaving kind and polite to others.

Can you enrol her in ethical or religious education classes that examine treating other people like you would like to be treated yourself and seeing every other person as equal to you and worthy of respect.

It pains me when I read everything is neuro diverse especially when you see families where it is blatantly obvious that it is down to parenting. Just reading here between the lines the child is being spoiled.

I think her witnessing the fighting between your husband and yourself has obviously had an effect. Have a talk with her about that. Absolutely stop the horse riding and stop thinking about buying her a horse!

If my children were naughty at school and disciplined I didn't discipline them again at home. I equally told them that the school was right and they shouldn't have done X but equally when the teacher gave a ridiculous detention I would tell the child they had to do it but I didn't agree with it.

By all means get her tested but it's no excuse for this behaviour. Hitting her siblings is so totally unacceptable there has to be an immediate conversation now and then if she does it again and immediate consequence for her. Maybe do something with the siblings she has hit so she can literally see consequences as well.

At 11 she shouldn't have access to instagram and to be able to message your friends. That needs to stop and be removed. While she may have difficulties understanding, you do have to take responsibility and charge. My kids had their moments at home but they mostly always behaved at school. The detentions were never for bad behaviour towards the kids or staff.

Good luck but you do have to sort this now otherwise it will be horrendous when she's fifteen.

OP , I say this with the very best of intentions: I think you should go to parenting classes . I went to a course years ago when my children were very small ( I self referred , as I had a bad childhood and was worried about repeating patterns ) , I found it quite useful . All behaviour needs to have consequences: if she misbehaves at school , she needs consequences at home as well as what the school is implementing. You are not doing her any favours by letting her get away with this kind of behaviour, you are literally setting her up for failure . You are not meant to be your children’s friend ( not when they are young ) you are meant to be their parent , which means to teach them how to behave ( amongst other things ) , and that behaviour has consequences. Electronics and riding lessons are a privilege, if she misbehaves I would immediately revoke those privileges, that’s exactly what I did when my children were very young .
you have to go back to basics , and it sounds like you own the school and all the various teachers an apology. It will be hard to do , but once again , you will be modelling the right behaviour for your children , which is such a positive . Good luck .

Also, your other children deserve a calm and happy home, to not be abused and shouldn't lose attention as it's all focussed on her.

OK, I take this on board. Thanks, everyone. I will cancel the horse riding. For how long should I do this?

Instead of taking away the horse riding - give it as a prize

if you can go through the day without a tantrum - then you get to go horse riding

if you can get through a school day without getting a negative - you get to go horse riding

let her be responsible for her own actions

That's your interpretation. I read it differently and strongly suspect that there is something else going on. That's why it would be really helpful for the OP to get her dd assessed so that she knows either way...rather than accepting opinions from strangers on the Internet who cannot possibly draw any firm conclusions.

If a child is given everything they want and have no consequences for their actions what do you think is going to happen?