Or is it really rude to make your food preferences known if you aren't the host?

[UnlikelySuperstar]

Allergies, religion and genuine diet requirements such as veganism aside aibu or is it really, really rude to say you don't like or don't eat something if you aren't the host?

We are hosting friends and I have been given a list of things they don't like. I've never done this, there's things I hate bit would eat if it was being served to me and especially if I wasn't paying or contributing. Only one couple has done it but its really annoyed me as we have already got the food in and now I feel like telling them to make sure they have tea before they come ( although I won't do that ), I'd put loads of effort in and a lot of expense and I can't see why grown adults can't keep their preferences to themselves.

Yabu - it's fine to let someone else put loads of effort into hosting and time and money only to then say 'don't like that/won't eat that' like a rude teenager
Yanbu - it's rude

Some folks really are clueless at hosting. If someone isn’t eating, there can be multiple reasons, from feeling unwell to simply the food is bad, or it’s something they dislike. It isn’t rudeness as the majority reason. Asking discreetly so as not to embarrass them, if you can get them something else is the way forward.

really stunned at the folks who think inviting people for dinner they should just eat it no matter what.

Well, the poster immediately above you wants them to "fuck right off"

In this case, yes, it’s very rude - they should have said “whilst I’m sure it’s delicious we’re quite fussy and not too keen on x x and x so we’ll bring our own food/eat beforehand and just come for drinks/dessert”.

I think if they gave you lots of warning (way before you’ve planned a menu/bought food etc) saying one or two things they particularly don’t like is fine. If they’re majorly fussy and not super close friends (who you’d accommodate despite ridiculous fussiness) they just shouldn’t accept dinner invites at other expense.

I'm that fussy person with strong aversions to a thankfully small number of foods, including sea-food.

I once did the force yourself to eat it to be polite at a dinner. And sat there with every mouthful coming back up into my mouth, and having to swallow it a second or third time. I stopped when I knew the next time I was likely to outwardly vomit on the table. Never again. so now I let people know in advance.

It's not the same as something just being not something you particularly enjoy, everyone has those, and if course I'll eat them if need be.

Your guests were rude to leave it so late to tell you though.

My fussy friends love me cooking for them as I don't make a drama out of it. People are usually extremely embarrassed about their aversions and anxious about how others will react, because the world is full of twats who think it's a moral failing.

Allergies yes, very important.

Others, are choices. You can always make a veggie stew, curry, Jacket potato, salad, etc. And however is not eating meat can eat form those.
They are welcome to bring something as well that suit their choices.

I think it's fine to explain that you have a problem like this before accepting an invitation... but not to accept first and then provide a list of dislikes later.

I was on your side until you said you were pretty much doing 9 dishes, all with seafood and cream. I love seafood but always check because it can be suck a difficult one for some people, and loads of folk don’t get on with cream in their food. It isn’t exactly lots of variety like you said; it’s 9 dishes containing seafood and cream. I think they probably thought there would be something he could manage and then you told them what you were serving and they’ve realised they had to say something as you’ve not got a plain option. They probably would have just made do it if was chicken or something but since they’re having to tell you it isn’t suitable, they might as well just tell you everything.

However; in this circumstance I think it’s ok to suggest they bring a dish along which the husband will be able to eat if he ends up not wanting anything you’ve made.

Allergies and religious requirements aside, I think it’s incredibly rude to dictate to the host your food requirements. I’d rather fussy guests refused the invitation for dinner and joined us later in the evening. Nothing kills a vibe more than people who don’t enjoy a meal.

You are being rude and unreasonable. Any time I host people I ask ahead of time if they have any allergies or food preferences. I don’t want to serve my guests food that they hate.

Some people also have sensory issues and can’t bear certain foods because of texture or strong flavours.

Yes, it’s annoying when you have to cater to a lot of different preferences, but you chose to host. Next time suggest a restaurant where everyone can pick what they like and pay for themselves.

In short, you should have asked, not waited for your guests to volunteer the information.

oh don't be silly dipping bread In sauce is worse than not eating the food!

Rude if not asked. I don’t eat lamb and if anyone ever cooks me dinner they do ask if any dislikes and I say I don’t eat lamb, but I’d never give a list of preference without being asked. Just say you’ve already bought the food so they can eat around what they don’t like

Hear, hear!

To be honest OP, though at first I thought you should hàce checked in advance, when I realised it was more of a mezze, sharing style meal (almost a buffet as I am imagining it) with approx tent dishes, I think it is ok not to check. When I used to host stuff, if I was doing starter/main/dessert I would of course check for preferences, but when I was doing more or a buffet for a larger number I never did because otherwise you could tie yourself up in knots. I just made sure there was some meat, some seafood, some veggie, and some vegan, and that at least some options were gluten free, and went from there ....

If there are a range of dishes I think it is rude of this couple to inform you the husband can't eat some of them, as why does it matter? Unless there wasn't anything at all he could eat? (And out of 19 dishes that sounds really unlikely). It's as if he expects the entire meal to revolve around his preferences.....

Not worth falling out with them over tho OP, as they are otherwise nice people you say. Maybe they were just having a bad day, or expressed themselves badly, or something ......

I wouldn't adapt your plans too much. As long as there are one or two things he can eat, I would just crack on! Provide extra bread, or whatever the carbs are, if need be.....

I do think there’s a very big difference between absolute dealbreaker foods and just stuff people don’t fancy.

I always ask people if I am catering and would never expect someone who was allergic/vegan/had a religious restriction or had a particularly strong aversion to something to stomach it just for the sake of appearances.

I can’t bear any kind of offal (including liver and kidney), physically can’t get it down, so I am always upfront about that. I’m not wild about pork belly or rhubarb but if I was presented with a plate of either at someone’s house I would be able to get through them so I would keep this to myself.

But I think a very picky list of “likes” sent at short notice is a bit entitled. No one has a right to eat their ideal food at any given moment.

I have a few friends like this and honestly, no hard feelings. The way I go around it is not to host them at home again and just meet them at a restaurant where they can choose what to eat.i obviously accommodate for allergies and vegetarians as much as I can.

The only thing I resent is when they start making a loud fuss of what they don’t like and ruining it for the rest of us. My SIL is a master for this, if she doesn’t like the food she starts getting very vocal about it, picks a fight with the staff and makes sure you are aware she cannot possibly comprehend how you are eating that if you were unlucky to choose the same.

Many years ago I didn't like salmon. Cooked or smoked, I thought it was bleurgh. I also didn't like prawns or beetroot.

On one occasion I went to a dinner party and was served salmon. I was unhappy but kept my thoughts to myself and ate the salmon. Another time at lunch I was served prawns and beetroot. Feeling very sad but also polite, I proceeded to eat the prawns and beetroot.

Turned out I loved them all! But the point is I kept my thoughts to myself and ate the food anyway.

Totally agree, this is why I’ve almost entirely stopped having groups of friends over for dinner. “Doesn’t eat mushrooms/eggs/chicken/tomatoes/creamy sauces/meaty sauces” or “can any pudding not have fruit/chocolate/cream”, like I’m a restaurant rather than a capable cook. I have food preferences, but I’m also an adult who’s grateful when someone else cooks for me and will enjoy the care they’re showing me, not use it as another way to prioritise my own likes and call it “boundaries” and “self-care”.

I know I’m a bit old-man-shouting-at-clouds about this topic, but I do feel sad that the normalisation of individual preferences over group enjoyment has spread even into sharing a meal.

They are rude but I would always ask for any special diets, allergies or very strong preferences before going to any effort or expense of buying or preparing food. That’s hosting 101, surely.

Bloody "you do you" culture has spread into our dinner parties, ruining it for the rest of us

A selection of dishes containing seafood and cream would be a no for a lot of people. When you said a wide variety that doesn't sound like much of a variety to me.

I am not a fussy eater, and can count the number of things that won't pass my lips on one hand, shellfish being one (dislike) and cream in every dish being another (intolerance).

They were probably waiting for you to ask and eventually realised that you weren’t going to. They were a bit rude but as the host I would have always asked.

TBH what’s worse are the people who flatly lie and claim they (or worse, their child) ‘eat everything’ and then miserably push their food around the plate because actually they don’t eat peppers / rice / eggs etc.

I think a lot depends on the level of the pickiness. It's one thing to say no spicy food or no seafood. Quite another to say no tomatoes, no salad, no sauces, no rice, no garlic, no onions etc etc etc.

You misunderstand- I always ask beforehand and cater for any fussy eaters or allergy suffers - to not tell me you don’t eat a certain food and then spend the whole time moving it around your plate is not better manners than telling me in the first place. Yes I’d have to say something - offer them something else because it would be obvious they weren’t happy - but privately I’d be annoyed they hadn’t been honest in the first place. Nothing wrong with being a fussy eater - I know a few, mostly younger relatives, I cater without judgement or we go to a restaurant/order in.

I’d check beforehand. I now (sadly) have v specific requirements (which I mention straight off) and some friends have been amazingly accommodating, but I prefer to have people round these days.

I am trying to work out what you could be cooking if almost every dish contains both cream and fish