Or is it really rude to make your food preferences known if you aren't the host?

[UnlikelySuperstar]

Allergies, religion and genuine diet requirements such as veganism aside aibu or is it really, really rude to say you don't like or don't eat something if you aren't the host?

We are hosting friends and I have been given a list of things they don't like. I've never done this, there's things I hate bit would eat if it was being served to me and especially if I wasn't paying or contributing. Only one couple has done it but its really annoyed me as we have already got the food in and now I feel like telling them to make sure they have tea before they come ( although I won't do that ), I'd put loads of effort in and a lot of expense and I can't see why grown adults can't keep their preferences to themselves.

Yabu - it's fine to let someone else put loads of effort into hosting and time and money only to then say 'don't like that/won't eat that' like a rude teenager
Yanbu - it's rude

Hosting has become increasingly difficult partly because in the Uk we don't have a national, or regional cuisine anymore. Whereas once upon a time, or still nowadays in many if not most other countries you can be pretty sure that the vast majority of people will be able ( allergies aside) to eat the local food, in the Uk this simply isn't possible.

People are honing in on their likes and dislikes because of the vast assortment of food available. You can easily live healthily without touching long lists of foods because there are so many others to choose from. This wasn't the case when dinner parties were most popular.
Now a host who wishes to please rather than just nourish the guests is left with the difficult task of inventing dishes to which exclude all types of food. It's a minefield and I'm not surprised that hosting is going out of fashion.

My (and others) life long issues with food have absolutely nothing to do with seeking attention. My food issues exist when I am alone, it is far from the first thing anyone learns about me.

you don’t have to go through life judging everyone who is different to you. I wish I didn’t have food issues, so much in life would have been easier.

I always ask if there is anything friends are ‘unable’ to eat. Covers allergies and dislikes without making anyone feel bad. This goes for friends we have known for 30 years as tastes can change. Some random stuff like beetroot appears on the list which is fine.

I don’t like goats cheese or feta but I would never say this to a host. I would just get on and try and eat it or leave a few pieces.

I think it boils down to how it was worded - if I said hey friends, let me know if you have any preferences etc and they said 'All good but I really dont like shellfish or anything too spicy, hope thats ok?' I dont have an issue.

I'm intolerant to seafood makes me really ill. Can't have cream either. I would have shut up, filled up on vegetables, bread, and enjoyed the evening with friends.

I do ask guests beforehand if there's anything that they can't eat because of my own issues.

Although just recalling a woman I worked with who used to shout 'Anything that's not an allergy is a CHOICE' when it came to dietary requirements at events lol.

I am sympathetic to fussy eaters - I was incredibly fussy as a child. I refused to stay in people’s houses because I couldn’t face all the comments about dinner - I was quite happy to go without but that was never acceptable either. Eventually I learned to eat most things - still find fish and seafood challenging - I’ll eat it, I won’t enjoy it but it won’t kill me - I’d hate a guest to feel that way when they join us for food.

Very rude to come up with a list. If I have a dinner party I would usually ask "I hope you are ok with fish?/mushrooms?..." etc, things I know people might not like, but that's it.

@UnlikelySuperstar out of interests, what's the menu / theme? I'm impressed you're doing 9 dishes

As a host I would been annoyed you hadn't say anything at the time of the invite...

Perfectly acceptable to mention allergies and serious intolerances, and I would be happy to cater for vegetarian friends, but just being presented with a list of 'won't eats' is rude.

Frankly if friends were that picky about food I wouldn't be bothering to cook for them, maybe suggest meeting up and do something other than have a meal.

This is one of the reasons I avoid eating at other people's houses.

I consider my taste in food pretty broad, but there are a few things that seem to feature in many dishes and simply turn my stomach; I can't help it. This mostly includes certain types of cheeses and white dressings such as mayo or yogurt used as a marinade, but also finding fruit in my food. I remember one particular dinner party where the starter was some goat cheese and fig concoction, the main course's star ingredient was ricotta, and then there was cheesecake and a cheeseboard for dessert. That dinner party specifically cost me over £60 to attend (drinks contribution, flowers and taxi), and I felt I could have spent that money on an actual nice meal at a restaurant. Another dinner party I recall had cubes of feta cheese on the starter, and then the lamb more the main had been marinated in yogurt and there were pieces of apricot in the dish, so I never knew if I was sticking a piece of apricot or lamb in my mouth.

Dinner parties are meant to be enjoyable, but I feel utterly stressed at the thought of having to eat a meal that's been placed in front on me and pretend to be enjoying it when really I want to throw up.

What really grates, is that going to a dinner party can be really expensive, with the contributing to alcohol, gift for the host, transport, etc. Of course I appreciate how incredibly expensive throwing a dinner party can be for the hosts!

As far as possible, I always try to suggest meeting at a restaurant, that way everyone can choose what they want.

Very rude. I remember as a child my aunt making a roast and accidentally using coffee instead of gravy granules- I eat everything because I even as a child knew it was terrible manners to leave it.

Hmm I think it’s bad form on both sides. You should have asked whether there was anything your guests couldn’t eat, particularly if your meal is heavily seafood focused, but also they should have said so earlier.

I’ll eat most savoury things but I’m a really fussy dessert eater - don’t like cream, anything chocolate flavoured (but like actual chocolate), or anything creamy/moussy in texture (ice cream or firm cheesecake is ok but tiramisu is a no). I don’t like to burden hosts with my ridiculous demands so provided I’m not the only one being catered for I won’t say anything and will just decline the dessert course if necessary. I figure if everyone else is eating dessert it doesn’t matter if one person doesn’t.

I’m not the most confident cook so in all honesty I probably wouldn’t choose to host friends I know had lots of dietary restrictions as I’d find it too stressful.

If your whole menu involves fish and seafood and you didn't check in advance whether this was ok but have then told them in advance of the meal then I don't think they're being unreasonable at all in saying they don't eat fish or seafood.

I wouldn't eat any of it (if it was buffet style I just wouldn't eat but if it was a sit down meal I'd have to say I don't eat seafood). DH would eat the fish but not any seafood and he's really not a picky eater. I think it's really weird tbh not to ask if you're serving seafood only since so many people don't eat it.

I'd just do a few veggie dishes.

Completely agree. Once you’ve accommodated for allergies and dietary requirements, tending to people’s preferences takes almost everything off the table. Take a sample of eight MNers here. No spicy food, no lamb, no seafood, no fish, no tomatoes, no blue cheese, no vegetables, no pork. Layer that on top of gluten free, dairy free, vegetarian, and what is the point? I would expect someone to tell me at the point of invitation if they absolutely cannot eat something but not say oh I basically only eat fish and chips or steak. I’m not cooking to order. I’m cooking a menu of my choosing and you are invited to have a nice evening, catch up with friends, and maybe try something new. Of course, in real life, I’m sure many of my friends do have preferences but they are very polite and discreet (and willing to try new things/things they “don’t like”).

I have family members who are like this. They say they eat everything and then AT THE POINT THE FOOD IS BEING SERVED they go, oh I can't eat that I hate (quiche/broccili/fish/mushrooms/bacon/melted cheese/coriander/spicy food/loads of random stuff) so we have to scrabble around providing shop bought pizza or whatever stupid things they actually will eat. They even make 'boak' faces which gives me the rage.

They won't drink water, only fizzy pop

They despair at how fussy the kids are and go on about how they all must have ARFID because they gag at most foods. I'm like, go figure

I have recently started refusing to feed them. If they ask what they can bring with them I say, yes, some food you will eat and a load of fizzy pop to drink. I'm sure they think I'm rude but I don't care any more

It’s funny, I always check beforehand when we have people over if they have any strong dislikes or even things they just don’t enjoy and plan a menu around that. M always really grateful when they actually tell me rather than going ‘oh no, anything will be fine.’
That said, I would never dare say anything if I was a guest at someone else’s house. Even if I absolutely hated what they put in front of me (fruit cake, MIL still hasn’t twigged dried fruit makes me gag) I would eat it with a smile and tell them it’s delicious. Which is kind of silly really, I’m sure no one would think me massively rude for not eating a few things, especially as it’s not as if I’m a fussy eater.

Yes you are right @UnlikelySuperstar it is very rude because it is not good manners. The essence of good manners is politeness and respect for others. It is a way of showing others that they matter and you care about them.

Giving a host a list of 'my preferences' - which is exactly what like/don't like is (versus allergies or medical eating issues) is extraordinarily rude because it is treating the convenience of the guest who does this as far more important than the difficulties faced by any host or any of the other guests attending.

It's no different actually from sending a list saying things Iike
'my prefered temperature in the house is 21.5 degrees and I'd be grateful if you could see that during my time at your house that is the temperature' or
'I keep the windows open all day at home as I strongly belief fresh air is good for me so please could you see to it your windows are open at all times during the dinner party'.

I think it's a function of social media and the way society is developing and the rise of educational and parenting attitudes that the child is the most important person in the universe, attention and their ego are the most important thing and other people can go to hell. It's the same attitude that leads to people thinking that it more important that my child has a seat on a train than any other adult be inconvenienced at all, no matter how deserving.

So yes it's rude but future generations will think it's normal.

Manners (which at its core is about respect for others and selflessness) are dying,

I always let people know I can't eat anything wet or saucy, I can only eat dry food. Anything with any kind of sauce makes me wretch and i cant put it in my mouth. I'm happy to just eat plain pasta, rice or some toast . I only drink water but that's no issue.

well now is a good time to learn? We often eat with a group of friends, alternating between houses/hosting. We know approximately if one of us has a dislike (and we know about allergies). And generally we'll say "come for a roast" or "we're doing Indian/Korean/Spanish..." food. Which gives them the opportunity to say "i don't like X" but generally that doesn't happen.

However. Confronted with a menu full of things that i really don't like. I would tell the host too, and probably follow up with "sorry, I'd better duck out of this one" which gives the host chance to decide if they want to invite someone else. Because it is quite rude to come back with a long list of dislikes, it is rude to then expect that person to suck it up and get what they're given.

It’s modern life

has friend of DH to stay who sent a list, they were gluten free, dairy free, no onion no garlic no sugar

i made them a butter bean and vegetables casserole, with rice and salad

made the spaghetti Bolognaise (recipe with sausage meat and some double cream) with garlic bread for ourselves

They ate the bolognaise as it looked so nice. I said it had lots of onions garlic and also cream, and that the garlic bread was not gluten-free nor dairy free…but by they happily ate it

anyway so they decided to skip their special diet for a day

faddy fucking nonsense but it honestly seems most people now are gluten and dairy free (unless they fancy it) so what can you do

Personally I think it's more rude to invite people to your house for dinner and then serve them something they might not like...

I'm autistic and am quite direct. If I'm planning on throwing a dinner party then I just ASK my guests what they don't like to eat and agree a menu that everyone is comfortable with before they come.

Surely it's just polite to do that?

nope - the scale of rudness here is that a host should check what people eat.

I will eat most things, i am very adventurous. But i won't eat egg if the white isn't solid (except mousse or cocktails) and i won't eat fat. Pork chop? i am going to dissect that like a surgeon from any fat. Or gristle. give me octopus? I won't touch it. And i won't sit there and pretend either. I will not accept a dish in front of me. None of my friends would offer seafood or something like celery (lots of people are allergic) without checking first.

I think that's incredibly cheeky. Fair enough to say we're vegetarians or are gluten intolerant. But a list. I would say be better if we went out and you can choose from a menu. You're not a restaurant.