Or is it really rude to make your food preferences known if you aren't the host?

[UnlikelySuperstar]

Allergies, religion and genuine diet requirements such as veganism aside aibu or is it really, really rude to say you don't like or don't eat something if you aren't the host?

We are hosting friends and I have been given a list of things they don't like. I've never done this, there's things I hate bit would eat if it was being served to me and especially if I wasn't paying or contributing. Only one couple has done it but its really annoyed me as we have already got the food in and now I feel like telling them to make sure they have tea before they come ( although I won't do that ), I'd put loads of effort in and a lot of expense and I can't see why grown adults can't keep their preferences to themselves.

Yabu - it's fine to let someone else put loads of effort into hosting and time and money only to then say 'don't like that/won't eat that' like a rude teenager
Yanbu - it's rude

Yes, I would.

if someone extends an invitation you can’t accept, you decline politely.

Imagine being invited to a wedding and saying yes but only if you change the timing because I’m not great in the mornings?

Imagine being invited to join a book club, accepting then telling everyone you can’t cope with fiction, has to be non-fiction.

The person who is extending the invitation is putting themselves out. Not the guests. So, decline if you don’t like what’s on offer. And maybe offer to host yourself. It’s the height of arrogance to accept and THEN lay down conditions.

I’d rather know if someone really doesn’t like something. One of my friends loathes fish but loves seafood. I’m not allergic to shellfish but loathe the texture and aftertaste. I forced some prawns down after being given them at a friend’s house but had to hold my breath when eating them. I then said I can’t eat seafood anymore as I had a reaction when I ate something so they don’t cook them anymore-a lie but don’t want them to feel bad! But regarding my friend’s loathing of fish, I’d rather know-there are loads of other things I can cook. I normally ask tbf if having people round.

I usually ask if there is any allergies or anything they hate to eat but I wouldn’t rush to invite them again if I was presented with a list tbh.

I used to be a very fussy eater which has gradually got better and better over the years, from cooking myself to also eating things I wouldn’t normally have at other peoples houses. I was also brought up to eat whatever was served if someone else was hosting. There was only one where I had to force down a gag (vegan Mac and cheese) but I still ate it and washed it down with extra wine. I think if I had such sensitivities to certain foods or textures I’d be telling my host well in advance and offering to bring my own depending on how bad it was.

It also depends on how many people are being hosted. It gets more rude if you know your host is trying to cater for a lot of people.

If we are having new people round to eat I would always ask if there are things they don't like before planning the meal in order to avoid any embarrassment on either side. DH is coeliac so I always let hosts know in advance. Also the fact that he just can't put a prawn in his mouth. I considered myself easy to please. Can eat most things if it is put in front of me. Did draw the line at the stuffed ox hearts served up by a friend because they were her husband's favourite meal. A good job DH was away for work at the time. He may just have had to excuse himself from the table. I coped but it made me feel a bit queasy .

I have a friend who is super picky about food. I know her well and cater for it. But she lives in fear of dinner parties. YANBU, but I guess I would like to know before they arrive if everything I have made is impossible for them to eat.

Obviously it is rude NOT to tell the host about halal, kosher, allergies, veganism, etc. You need to give fair warning on the non-negotiables!

I've catered parties like this.

It is actually simple.
2 starters
2 or 3 main dishes
2 desserts plus some reserve nice ice cream in the freezer
and let people choose.

This is madness. You aren't running a restaurant you are having a dinner party for your friends!

It's commendably nice of you to be prepared to go to all that effort to attend to peoples whims but honestly I couldn't be bothered. Any expectation that a host would go to all this trouble is really self centred.

I wouldn't invite people over without checking there is anything they don't eat first, even aside of allergies.

i don't eat fish/seafood, mushrooms or sweetcorn and will not grin and bare it just because someone has spent money/time making it for me. So if you hadn't asked me, i just wouldn't eat it which would be a waste of both the food and your time. I'd just stop on the way home for something i do like if i was hungry.

Oh god, if I had to eat food from one region for the rest of my days, it’d be Indian without thought. I’ll have your samosas, @Chaptertwobegins .

There is a balance to be had. My friends and I are all reasonable people who like each other, hence the ‘being friends’ part. None of us would present a massive list of dos/don’ts to each other without then offering solutions or assistance. But equally, none of us would plow on ahead without asking everyone what their preferences are and catering for those, and we would all make an effort to make the event as enjoyable as possible for each other. Some of the responses on this thread are so judgemental and unreasonable on both sides. I think many people on MN have a very skewed view of what it means to be a friend.

I don’t drink tea. Hate the stuff. I rarely have milk in the house and I don’t put sugar in any of my drinks so rarely have that. I also don’t have squash or fizzy drinks. But to cater for the majority of my friends, family and other visitors I put the effort in to purchase milk, sugar, teabags, fizzy drinks and squash when I am hosting because I want them to feel comfortable, cared about and welcome. I wouldn’t dream of forcing anyone to only drink water because that’s basically the only thing that I drink on a regular basis.

For someone so fussy, she is a solid size 28 and I’m impressed she managed it.

I'm really unreasonably judgemental about adult fussy eaters, but this was breathtakingly mean. All my sympathies with your 'friend'.

Oh that’s mean. Maybe she was brought up on food that lacked variety and nutrients?

I love food and cooking. I see dinner parties as opportunities to share these loves with people I also love (or at least like) to make us all happy for an evening, not to show off my top tier chef/hosting skillz and fuck you peasants if you don't like my brain tartare main, you should be grateful you're being FED etc. etc.
It's bizarre to me that a host WOULDN'T want to know what their guests like or dislike.

@steppemum

fuck that cooking 2 starters and 3 mains etc. so time consuming and expensive.
people can eat what they’re given. They’re their for the social aspect more than the food anyway

I was recently hosting a dinner party for 3 couples plus me and Dh.
Asked for food allergies beforehand making any food decisions.
The food requirements were :
no beef for one couple (religious reasons),
no pork for another couple (religious reasons),
no meat for one person (pescatarian),
no dairy for another person (mild? intolerance).
Now, I hate taste of lamb myself so that was another no. (But I would not say this to a host and just eat it if it was served at someone’s party)

I was left with limited options, but decided to produce 2 fancy salads for starters (chaat masala and mango & wild rice),sesame crab bites, smoked salmon blinis with and without quail egg, followed by spicy harissa roast salmon and herby couscous with a side of blood orange and mint salad.
to finish served strawberries coated in dark chocolate sprinkled with coconut.

no madness at all.
Not unusual to have 2 dishes at all.

I had 6 people to dinner last weekend. Didn't know them well. I asked in advance for preferences and said I was planning a curry.
I did 3 curry dishes, one meat and 2 veg, and we had a lovely meal. They can pick and choose which bits they like, and everyone is happy.

Mostly you don't get a long list, or you know the people well and then doing one dish for all is fine.

But I have people who come roudn who are GF, who are dairy free and who are allergic to nuts, so it works better to have 2 dishes.

We usually have nice left overs for another meal the next day, so it works fine.

Same but just stating “I don’t do sea food” would be fine, to give a list of things you refuse to eat is a bit rude. I think if your diets that limited you probably shouldn’t go to a friends for dinner, it would be better to arrange to eat out instead?

Theres a few things I wouldn’t be able to eat (mainly seafood, muscles, oysters) but other than that I would try what ever is out in-front of me even if I didn’t like it. I would hope that who ever was hosting would ask me if I’m happy to eat xyz because I would do the same. When I have friends over to eat we usually discus what I’m cooking whilst inviting them over.

Not unusual to have 2 dishes at all.

It absolutely is in the way you described it - to be given a choice in a private home like its a restaurant. There must be a lot of food wastage if you are doing two starters (wtaf?).

I've never been to a dinner party where a choice of two were offered for all dinners for all courses. Normally if there is a vegetarian they will have a separate dish but otherwise, there is just one dish.

What you say about 3 types of curry isn't really what your post gave the imprssion of which sounded more like 2 wholly different options. Personally, I'd never serve curry at a dinner party anyway because it's a bit take away meal and of all the things that the lowest common denominator is fussy about, it is spicy food!

But I have people who come roudn who are GF, who are dairy free and who are allergic to nuts, so it works better to have 2 dishes

Why? If the person is allergic to nuts then you can't have any nuts around anyway. It's not difficult to find a single dish that is dairy free and nut free that's easy to cook! Roasted Salmon and new potatoes with chives scattered over them and butter on the side for those who want it with the potatotes is a simple one and very easy.

Eugh. Offal is absolutely top of the list of things you should avoid serving to guests, way above seafood or spices. Very very few people eat offal these days.

Surely the fun is hosting your friends?

I can’t imagine ensuring my guests were comfortable and full would take any joy from me, in fact, it’s the opposite

I actually think it's rude of the host to not ask if there's anything the guests don't like

The person who is extending the invitation is putting themselves out. Not the guests. So, decline if you don’t like what’s on offer. And maybe offer to host yourself. It’s the height of arrogance to accept and THEN lay down conditions
👏👏👏

I’m laughing at the prospect of being told I should “eat what I am given” as an adult. What are you going to do if I don’t, smack my bum and send me to bed with no pudding?

The flexing of “I was forced to eat whatever was put in front of me as a child and clear my plate, so I have no time for fussy eaters” is just weird. Why are you bragging about the shit way you were parented? Forcing children to clear their plates and eat everything has been scientifically proven to cause lifelong issues with food. It’s one of the reasons we have so many overweight adults. We are all born with an innate instinct that tells us when we are full (have you ever tried to feed a baby more milk than they want?) and if you continuously ignore it, it’ll stop working as effectively. Most adults nowadays consistently overeat way past the point of fullness, because they were forced to stop listening to their own bodies and instincts as children, so they can no longer tell when they are actually full.

So no, I won’t be stuffing my face with food I don’t want or like to spare another adult’s feelings. And I won’t be teaching my children to, either.

I actually think it's rude of the host to not ask if there's anything the guests don't like

Most hosts will ask but that is not what this thread is about.

Is there anything you don't like asked by the host doesn't mean 'please give me a long list of every minor or major preference you have'. What it means its:

is there anything that you literally cannot eat not 'I don't really like fish so please can we have chicken'.

If you went to a dinner at Buckingham Palace and sat next to Queen Elizabeth II and would be capable of eating something with out a fuss but maybe not love it, that is not something that should be on any list given to a host about what you don't like.

If you can eat fish but aren't really keen, just eat it and shut up and don't make your hosts life more complicated.

If the sight of something makes you want to vomit and you really cannot eat it because you can't stomach it then mention it.

There is too much self centredness in all this - a minor preference is just that so just shut up.

@Wherearewe2001

regardless of whether or not you like it, is there any reason why you would have to “stuff your face with food”? Seems odd.

It is rude, but at the same time I would probably let them know what you were planning on making in advance, just to check they don't really dislike it. For example, if someone were to make me certain foods, I'd literally not be able to eat them, due to associations that make me gag. But them sending you a list is crazy.

If I'm inviting people round I always say "I'm planning to cook x, would that be ok with you?" You wouldn't expect people to go to a restaurant and just eat what they were given, so why would you expect people to come to your home and just eat whatever's put in front of them, whether they like it or not?