Or is it really rude to make your food preferences known if you aren't the host?

[UnlikelySuperstar]

Allergies, religion and genuine diet requirements such as veganism aside aibu or is it really, really rude to say you don't like or don't eat something if you aren't the host?

We are hosting friends and I have been given a list of things they don't like. I've never done this, there's things I hate bit would eat if it was being served to me and especially if I wasn't paying or contributing. Only one couple has done it but its really annoyed me as we have already got the food in and now I feel like telling them to make sure they have tea before they come ( although I won't do that ), I'd put loads of effort in and a lot of expense and I can't see why grown adults can't keep their preferences to themselves.

Yabu - it's fine to let someone else put loads of effort into hosting and time and money only to then say 'don't like that/won't eat that' like a rude teenager
Yanbu - it's rude

YABU. We host friends once a month (we alternate months) and each couple knows what the other doesn’t like as we’ve told one another.

If we’re planning a new dish, we always check in with our friends to make sure it’s something that they’d like, why wouldn’t you? I don’t see this as something to be offended at whatsoever.

I am a little bit fussy with food but I can force most things down except mushrooms. I cannot stand them and they actually make me sick so I normally tell people I have an allergy to mushrooms, just so I don't have to go through it! I think that's acceptable and everything else I just put up with even if o don't really like it.

I've catered parties like this.

It is actually simple.
2 starters
2 or 3 main dishes
2 desserts plus some reserve nice ice cream in the freezer
and let people choose.

Funnily enough, a good roast will usually cover most food preferences.
Obviously you need a veggie option,
mutiple vegetables eg roasted carrots etc as well as green veg and 2 gravies (one veggie one meat)
It would cover all the options on your list.

While I would prefer to cook an Indonesian rijstafel or a Indian curry, the point of having people round to dinner is to have a nice evening over food, so if a classic roast works, then I'd do that.

I have to say, I have never served shellfish or even fish to anyone without asking first. I know too many people who are fussy/allergic

The number of people on this thread saying some variation of ‘I’m not fussy but I will literally vomit / gag / scream if I am served mushrooms / shellfish / jelly etc.’ You’re a bit fussy! That’s OK!

There are plenty of things I prefer not to eat e.g. pork. But I could tolerate it . I was also raised to eat what was put in front of me. Inc when a friends mum as a joke gave me a chopped tomato for dinner I was about 8, said thank you very much and started.

But, I do tell people that are cooking for me I don't eat any sort of seafood. I tell people after feeling bad that a friend went to a lot of effort to make calamari and other seafood dishes for dinner for me.

Also when friend are coming over I run by what I am making and ask if that's OK

Yeah it's rude. I'm vegan and would tell hosts that (I hate doing it as it feels awkward but it causes more awkwardness not to) but I wouldn't bother telling them likes and dislikes, I'd just subtly pick and choose or force it down.

TBF though (aside from animal products) there's not not much I really don't like.

If you have vegans/vegetarians coming over then yes you need to know.

YANBU - adults who are picky eaters (genuine allergies or medical conditions aside) and make a fuss about it are pathetic.

Being a very fussy eater myself (and comming from a fussy family... we have combinations of veggie, vegan, wont eat fruit, wont eat vegs,won't eat sauces,cant handle spice -eating out in a restraunt is normally started with a round of trading.. swap you broccoli and carrots for a roast potato etc)

I will ask/check while in the meal planning stage the majority of ingredance with all guests befor anything is bought

being a guest -I would mention a few of the worse things along with being veggie, though i have forced food down that i dont like (and cant help making the same face i do to swallowing tables) and/or pushed food round on my plate trying to hide things under my fork. It's a horrible feeling when hosts take your plate with a pile of Raisins etc and says 'oh didn't you enjoy it, ... no its lovely I just don't like x and y ....oh you should have said.... OK but the list is very long (ie don't like raw Tomatoes, or onions, but ok with cooked, and spring onions ok etc)

My DP is like a PP, lots of sensory issues around food and best before dates etc.

It is the late notice for me. Essentially expecting the host to rush out and buy more ingredients. It should have been a conversation at the time of invitation.

I love cooking and enjoy a challenge so wouldn't mind catering for unusual tastes, allergies etc but I'd need a bit of time!

I don’t know why you’d want to go to all the expense and time of cooking your friends a lovely meal, but not ask if there is anything they don’t like?

Surely you like these people, wouldn’t you like them to eat something they like rather than force something down they hate or leave it on the plate and waste it?

YANBU and they are very rude, but this is becoming more and more common, annoyingly.

That's why I never ask if there is something people don't eat, as you're then likely to get a list. Food faddery has become a thing.

DH's cousin and her partner came to stay for 2 nights. She sent an email to say he :
Was vegan
GF
Didn't eat 'brassicas' or any kind of onion, including leeks.
Didn't eat 'pulses'
Can't eat nuts

I am vegetarian so vegan wasn't an issue but it meant no vegetarian cheeses. I'm not sure about GF- so had to research that. Brassicas and onions ruled out my vegetable soup, salads, and coleslaw .

I found him really difficult all round - he wanted a rundown of what was in every meal. We went for a walk and stopped at a pub and he couldn't find anything on the menu he would eat.

He wasn't allergic to all of these things - some were just dislikes. He was so fussy about it and it tipped over into general fussiness. DH thought it was about exerting control .

I also am really unforgiving of fussy eaters and think 'it's not going to kill you even if you don't like the taste just eat it' but I can't say that as a host 😂

I’m not a fussy eater and can’t think of anything pretty standard I wouldn’t try - beyond something like offal which wouldn’t really be a surprise to most. But my DH’s cousin makes a dish with spinach - which I love - and I simply cannot eat it. When I merely had a fork full, I truly nearly vomited. (Sorry about the TMI.) So I don’t think it’s necessarily ingredients all the time. My DH has had to tell them I don’t like spinach as I really don’t want to heave or something at dinner. But they now know this well in advance.

But your guests have been very rude to say this last minute. Fair enough if it’s something they really cannot stand and want to give you the heads up rather than you waste it. (I know someone who can’t stand the way lemongrass permeates through a dish so I’d avoid cooking a Thai dish perhaps) But this is obviously not what happened here. Lesson learned though: don’t invite them again.

We have a couple who don’t eat onions, spices or herbs. They pick the restaurant and we never host them now.

But a nice time means more than food. Like I said, it's a invitations to spend the evening together with food. You may like some of the food and not like others. That's okay.

And like I said even if I follow their list, they may just not like my cooking. Does that mean they had a bad time? Would that mean the whole evening is spoiled?
I have a Indian friend. I don't like Indian food, but they invite me for dinner sometimes, and they cook Indian food, so I eat what I like, and leave what I don't. But I enjoy myself because I enjoy their company.
It would never occur to me to tell them can you not cook Indian food please.

And worst come to worst like you said it's an invitation not a summons, if the food is that important to you, then decline the invitation. But don't give me a list of demands.

I should add I always ask the Q: Is there anything that would make a dish inedible for you? To rule out the replies like “Well, I don’t love creamy pasta as I prefer tomato-based ones but I’ll eat it.” I’ve had replies like lemongrass, coriander, dill, lamb - most pretty reasonable and easy to avoid I think, except the “onion, all herbs, all spices” reply I mentioned above. 🙄

So you'd rather people turned up and then went hungry and the food went to waste because you've served them something they don't like? I just can't get my head around that.

Standard response. I would love to be able to eat anything but there are things I can't eat. I'm not overfond of lamb or pork but can eat it. I just wouldn't chose it. But fish of any sort, offal, tripe, liver, kidneys, pate or hardboiled eggs, not a chance. Judge me all you want. It would make my life much easier if I could.

Like an episode of below deck! 🤣

When I was a child I had trouble understanding other people's subjective experiences. For instance, as tasting cheese made me retch, I couldn't understand how other people could choose to eat cheese, why shops sold something as inedible as cheese, etc. I couldn't make someone else a cheese sandwich for the same reason I wouldn't make them a mud sandwich.

Little neurodivergent girl has issues with theory of mind, shocker. I grew out of it.

I feel like I'm seeing it in reverse from certain posters on this thread. 'I can eat anything I'm served, so anyone who doesn't must be rude/pathetic/entitled.'

Thank you for your informed opinion 😂

I’ve been told my whole life that I’m pathetic (by unkind people), luckily the people I love and who love me are far more accommodating.

do you think people gag and throw up on purpose? That it’s within our power to control? I promise you, if I could eat normally I would, in a heartbeat. My body and my brain will not allow it. If that makes me pathetic then so be it. I’ll eat at the homes of people who accept me for who I am

I'm not actually convinced 'fussy eating' is a thing. Most people have some food they don't like, that's just how taste buds work. I don't like tomato sauce or melted cheese. For my husband it's mushrooms and fish.

If someone has a list of 'don't eats' which is as long as their arm then there's something going on there more than simply being 'fussy' surely. A list that long is bordering on eating disorder of some description.

Fine, I won't.

I think there’s a large crossover between ‘fussiness’ and autism. It’s often a sensory issue with food, which is why it makes people gag, bad taste doesn’t do that, but texture does.

which is why I get frustrated at people being offensive towards fussy eaters, telling us we are pathetic and should fuck off, just because my brain and body don’t react the way theirs do.

Annoying - I once had a friend message me
hours before arrival to say his gf who was joining him for the trip didn’t eat: meat or fish, dairy, animal derived foods like honey/eggs onions, tomatoes, pasta, olives or potatoes, most fruit (not allergies just dislikes). Ffs. If you are that fussy/diet restricted don’t expect to be catered for at other people’s homes. I ended up doing a vegan pea and asparagus tart with onions blended and she ate it without complaint or reaction…pain in the arse tho.