Or is it really rude to make your food preferences known if you aren't the host?

[UnlikelySuperstar]

Allergies, religion and genuine diet requirements such as veganism aside aibu or is it really, really rude to say you don't like or don't eat something if you aren't the host?

We are hosting friends and I have been given a list of things they don't like. I've never done this, there's things I hate bit would eat if it was being served to me and especially if I wasn't paying or contributing. Only one couple has done it but its really annoyed me as we have already got the food in and now I feel like telling them to make sure they have tea before they come ( although I won't do that ), I'd put loads of effort in and a lot of expense and I can't see why grown adults can't keep their preferences to themselves.

Yabu - it's fine to let someone else put loads of effort into hosting and time and money only to then say 'don't like that/won't eat that' like a rude teenager
Yanbu - it's rude

I personally eat pretty much everything (or haven’t found anything I wouldn’t eat up to now). And I don’t quite “get” fussy eaters, to be perfectly honest.

But I still don’t get this attitude! I certainly wouldn’t serve bouillabaisse if I invited somebody who absolutely detests fish / seafood.
Why would I want to invite somebody and go through the effort of hosting… if they can’t / won’t eat? That seems silly and rather unkind to me.

I want to have an enjoyable evening with whoever I invite. Serving food my guests won’t eat seems to defeat the very purpose of an invite!

That's exactly what I do, quite casually. "Any allergies or strong dislikes? I don't want to serve up anything you hate!"

I was really irritated by the response only as I had announced what the food would be with some enthusiasm and it was sort of met like it was bad news.

This would definitely annoy me! I’d also be annoyed that it’s quite a long list including some really quite basic ingredients (chicken, dairy, etc) and they’ve waited until now to mention it; the best time to tell you would have been on receiving the invitation. (And, yes, of course you could have asked. But the responsibility isn’t all on you… In fact, I’d say in practical terms, the onus is on them as they’re ultimately the ones most affected by it.)

I voted unreasonable, but only because you didn’t ask them when you invited them if there was anything they couldn’t eat. With so many food preferences available and so many people following special diets (health reasons) you have no reason to be annoyed they at least told you, otherwise you’d have to have raised another AIBU for “Were my guests rude to refuse to eat what I prepared for them”

I do feel sorry for people who have severe, long-standing food issues. But in my experience these people are quite switched on and self-aware about their issues and skilled in handling it sensitively and politely when an invite is extended to them.

It must be equally annoying for them when someone who doesn't have the severe food aversion issues "jumps on their bandwagon" and demands to be treated the same way. We all know people who do not have serious ARFID issues but have a list of things they don't like/won't eat which is longer than the things they will eat.

It’s rude

why are so many people so lacking in manners these days?!

and so food obsessed too?!

it’s one meal - you’re there for the social aspect rather than the food so just suck it up even if it’s not 100 percent absolutely exact to your precise preferences

yanbu op

Yabu - it's fine to let someone else put loads of effort into hosting and time and money only to then say 'don't like that/won't eat that' like a rude teenager
Yanbu - it's rude

I don't disagree with you, OP, but this has to be one of the most loaded way of wording an AIBU I've seen

If it's allergies then yes. My mum cant eat wheat so when first diagnosed years ago she had to say because it made her so ill. Now mostly everyone knows so she doesn't need to mention it usually as it's automatic for most to make something wheat free that know her

This is why I don't eat at other people's houses. There are lots of foods I dislike.

If I'm indifferent to a food or find it bland or can eat it but wouldn't choose to buy it, I don't count it as a dislike. Dislikes to me are foods that make me retch and vomit. I assure you it is much more polite for me to tell someone 'I don't like mushrooms' than to try to choke down mushrooms at their dinner table with disastrous results.

My parents tried the 'you get this or nothing' approach with me at one stage. I went hungry, because hunger is a better sensation than trying to eat something that tastes or feels vile to me, even if it's something most other people enjoy.

I once declined staying at a friend's home for this reason and I actually cried when she told me her daughter was autistic and she understood and wouldn't be offended by my 'pickiness' or bringing some of my own safe foods along. I had a lovely time staying with her, no food anxiety at all.

But most of the responses on this thread tell me I'm right to decline invitations. Fair enough. I can't force myself to eat things I find disgusting to meet someone else's standards of etiquette.

I think if you’re not prepared to make the effort to be a good host and cater to your guests preferences and make them feel comfortable in your home, you shouldn’t host in the first place. It’s arrogant and rude to expect guests to put up and shut up, or to exclude people that are supposed to be friends simply because they don’t fall into your line. That isn’t hosting. That’s just exerting a superiority complex.

However, it is polite for guests to ensure the host is aware of any needs as early as possible and to offer assistance in catering for complex needs where appropriate.

There are a whole multitude of reasons why people develop intense likes/dislikes/preferences (not just about food) and people should be a bit more empathetic. You don’t need to fully understand it to be empathetic.

Did you not ask your guests initially if there was anything they wouldn't eat or ask if what you were planning to make would suit before buying the groceries. As a host surely you want to ensure your guests enjoy what you're making? Personally it would depend on how close I was with the host, family or very close friends I would say 'ooh sorry but I'm not keen on that...I'll try the other bits though' people I didn't know so well I would probably suck it up and eat a small portion of whatever nit was I didn't really like.

I have things I'm not keen on, but if asked what I don't like I'd only specify what I can't keep down (peas). It's one ingredient, and more than happy to pick around them (I still order paella, special fried rice etc).

But there is a line where the list is so long, or the requirements so restrictive, like where vegan meets with a fairy free meets with a gluten free that the only way to meet all requirements would result in something bland and disappointing for everyone.

I'm a pretty decent cook and really enjoy cooking for others and getting people together, but the creativity and enjoyment can quickly be stripped back when met with too many competing restrictions.

@LuckySantangelo35 that's the thing - if it's about the social aspect of meeting up with people I actually don't understand why food needs to be a part of it.
I'd rather hang out with friends and "do" something rather than eat 😂

If someone really doesn't like/can't eat a particularly food, I'd appreciate knowing. I have a regular house guest who doesn't like olives. I always forget and make something with olives in it and poor thing has to stomach picking them out of her meal. I would appreciate knowing if there is something specific that people really don't eat, as I wouldn't intentionally serve it to them.

That said, if you've already purchased the food, they are just shit out of luck. And if someone doesn't eat so many different types of food that it constitutes a 'list' then they may be too picky to be a good house guest. It may be they would be better suited to self-catering and staying nearby, offering to host and cook a suitable meal, or organising a meal out where they will have more choice. I wouldn't expect anyone to cater for a fussy eater with extensive things they won't eat or pick out. Allergies, yes, but fussiness, no. They need to bring their own food or do the hosting.

Well, if it’s fennel my SO will simply smile politely and thank you. But he won’t eat it (or eat anything it touched).

you may want your guests to “suck it up”, sit in front of their food and watch you / others eat.
I personally would prefer if they told me in advance. Which is why I usually ask!

My catering is definitely fairy-free @AutumnColour89 ! I wish I had kitchen fairies though.

I hate the term “food preferences” - of course we’ve all got food preferences but you’re invited to eat and spend time with friends (or family etc etc) - it’s not a flippin’ restaurant!

It’s absolutely fine in advance if asked (or even not asked!) to say you have allergy/are vegan or have one or two strong dislikes, but otherwise it’s a bit me, me, me - so just suggest eating out instead as you are incredibly fussy.

I am still scarred by dh’s friend’s new girlfriend (age 40) who sent an advance menu (a la Princess Margaret). Okaaay, but I made it all from first principles. She looked sulky at the table and said it wasn’t made as well as her dad’s .

It is in my circle of friends too. Though we're all ND so perhaps that's it?

I'm starting to think some people here just don't like their friends very much 😂 Imagine inviting someone round for a blind meal and expecting them to just 'suck it up' and force themselves to eat something they hate. I don't want people I like to be miserable.

If I'm the host, my guests' comfort comes before my own.

Totally agree.
I understand everyone has a couple of things they would rather avoid but when it’s a list as long as your arm with no medical or religious reason for it, turn round and head out the door please.

I live alone, so it's a real pleasure for me to cook up a storm and feed guests. But I really want them to enjoy themselves. I'd hate to realise that one of them was having to pick around something that they hated. So while I'd not really appreciate a whole list of 'preferences' (unless I knew that the person had a specific issue) I want to know if there's something they really can't handle.

I'd be very happy to cater for someone with a strong neurodiversity around food. Just as I provide alternatives for my vegan niece, I'm happy to cater (given plenty of notice) for this. But I'd probably already know that this guest had these issues.

I'd be inclined to cut them some slack you just don't know their story. They might have some sort of eating disorder or it could be that it's not like an aversion or preference rather a condition like diabetes (I have this & control it with diet).
I'd ask.

As a faddy eater due to stomach issues i usually end up not eating then people think im rude for not eating, so if they are your friends in my opinion ask them if they have any dietary requirements.
As a known vegetarian the amount of times ive been served fish.

I work on a team of about 15 people and was astounded by total restrictions people gave ahead of our Christmas team dinner.

Vegan, vegetarian and gluten free, vegetarian and dairy free, dairy free, soy free, and someone who claimed to 'eat anything but nothing spicy' (but from past experience we've learned that 'spicy' includes anything with any level of seasoning or flavour).

A city full of restaurants and our restaurant choices were restricted down to 2 very bland and uninspiring options. The rest of us (massive foodies who arent fussy) were not impressed. I can't say I was impressed at having to fork out for the resulting bland meal.

@CrabPuff what’s a solid size 28?

This is very similar to me except I'm not autistic and have never sought a formal diagnosis.

It might be a 'choice' in that I am physically capable of putting a food in my mouth, but the amount of emotional distress it causes is not something that can be hidden and genuinely makes feel ill.

I don't eat vegetables (apart from potatoes), some meats, fruit except for peaches, seafood, rice etc. I have got better than I was - adding pasta to my ok foods has been transformative.

I've tried suggesting I take my own food or come along later many times in the past, and that's been received just as badly as if I'd given the 'list'. I'm glad that close friend mostly understand, though often even when they are trying to be accommodating, it's tricky. Maybe they chopped up the carrot before the potato and didn't wash the knife or board in between. Maybe they put roast parsnips next to the roast potatoes. I really try my best with this, but they often ask why I seem to be acting oddly as it's hard to cover up my panic, why I've started sweating etc.

I know it's incredibly rare to struggle to this extent, but I also sympathise with anyone sat at the table trying not to vomit.