Or is it really rude to make your food preferences known if you aren't the host?

[UnlikelySuperstar]

Allergies, religion and genuine diet requirements such as veganism aside aibu or is it really, really rude to say you don't like or don't eat something if you aren't the host?

We are hosting friends and I have been given a list of things they don't like. I've never done this, there's things I hate bit would eat if it was being served to me and especially if I wasn't paying or contributing. Only one couple has done it but its really annoyed me as we have already got the food in and now I feel like telling them to make sure they have tea before they come ( although I won't do that ), I'd put loads of effort in and a lot of expense and I can't see why grown adults can't keep their preferences to themselves.

Yabu - it's fine to let someone else put loads of effort into hosting and time and money only to then say 'don't like that/won't eat that' like a rude teenager
Yanbu - it's rude

It’s more rude to serve guests food they’re unable to eat, either through dietary preferences or medical need. Preferences should have been asked for before the menu set, if you didn’t ask of course they had to tell you.

Another with ARFID here, and I'm autistic. There are a lot of things I can't eat because they will make me retch and the whole thing reduces me to a snottery, teary mess. If it's rude to give someone a heads up that I don't eat XYZ but it's also rude to eat what I can and leave what I don't like, then I'm fucked either way. The list of things I can't eat includes stuff that really surprises people (I'm another person who can't eat chocolate-y desserts!) so I don't eat anywhere if I don't feel comfortable enough to stick my oar in with the menu.

The judgemental claims of attention-seeking or bandwagon-jumping are nonsense, too. My sensory issues around food have been evident since I was a baby/toddler and I can assure you, my parents never pandered so it can't be blamed on them spoiling me or letting me get away with only eating chicken nuggets. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 31 so my mum (a battle-axe who has never pandered to anyone in her life) just thought I was picky and difficult, and there were many dinner table fights that ended in a meltdown.

I have autism and have a lot of food related sensory issues, and could never eat something I had an issue with just because it was served to me. However, I would not give hosts a list, I simply don’t eat at other people’s houses if I don’t know what the menu is in advance.

My close friends and family who understand the issues check menus with me beforehand, but I wouldn’t send a list.

How can you be that fussy?! I think adults who don’t eat certain things out of choice, are weird. The only exception is seafood, I know a few people who just hate it, but it’s quite a niche thing to serve unless you know everyone likes it.

I'd expect guests to tell me if they had any allergies/intolerances or were vegan/veggie at the time of inviting.

I'd check with the guests if I was planning something potentially controversial - seafood/blue cheese/goats cheese/sushi/game spring to mind.

As a general rule though, if I know someone is a fussy eater, I don't invite them to dinner. It's not an enjoyable experience for me, for them or for the other guests. Food clearly isn't something we have in common. So I'll see them somewhere else, doing something we're more compatible in.

i think the problem here is that OP thinks they can eat around their preferences. But if their preference is no seafood and no cream, and she's offering mostly seafood with cream - it is ridiculous to assume they should sit at the table eating an olive and a piece of bread with a lettuce leaf. I mean - will they get all the olives? won't the others be miffed while they're eating their prawns/oysters/clams whatever but can#t have olives because the ones who don't eat the other things will be hungry?

It is OPs chance to add a few dishes that they could eat, and maybe re-arrange some (as she has with the tomato sauce) so that they can eat others. Hosting - it is not supposed to look like the yard at a foie gras farm with OP stuffing the unwilling guests with lobster thermidor.

We need to know what you are
Offering

Seafood is rogue if you don't know someone likes it.

If I were hosting I'd probably ask if there was anything to avoid before I menu planned - but I wouldn't expect to receive a long and restrictive list in response!

I don't eat beans/pulses (they make me gag and do terrible things to my insides, although I’m not allergic) and my friends all know this and will avoid them when cooking. Recently though I had dinner at a friend's whom I hadn't seen for ages and she had made a butter bean stew. I ate around the beans (the rest of it was delicious), apologised for my fussiness and all
was well. If it were the sort of meal you're planning, I'd just avoid whichever dishes contained pulses and not say anything.

I suppose I think there's a middle ground between rudely presenting your host with a long list of requirements, and forcing yourself to eat something you really detest/can't stomach, and it sounds like these guests definitely haven't struck the right balance!

Allergies aside, I truly don't understand the appeal of celery. It feels like it's made of hair and it tastes like armpit.

Grapefruit is similarly confusing. It looks lovely but it tastes like stomach acid 😭

Would you rather they didn't eat it?

I don't eat seafood or red meat, preference not allergies. So if I left that on the plate you would see me as rude or would that be less rude than telling you upfront and saving you wasting money and food?

I would rather people told me upfront? The idea that you are the host and everyone has to eat what you put down to them is incredibly rude IMO.

Last minute before the event or at the event itself - rude.

however letting a host know at the time of accepting the invite should be reasonable. There are foods I just can’t stomach and I wouldn’t even eat two of them if they were presented to me. What a waste of time, effort and food that would be if they were served to me. I’d also probably be deemed rude in that situation too - so sounds like I could never get it right!

Actually I think in these more enlightened days (wouldn't have occurred to me years ago), we should ask prospective guests whether there is anything they can't or won't eat. On the other hand, as a guest it would have been better to speak up as soon as the invitation was made, so that is on them.

For everyone saying it's reasonable to give a host a long list of things you don't like to cater around (not talking allergies, intolerance, medical here), do you really think that's fair on the host?

Sandra is planning to invite some friends round:
Daniel has a shellfish allergy
Sarah is vegetarian
Ok so far so good, easy enough to cater for.
But Michelle doesn't like tomato, garlic or anything with cream or dairy products in it
And Steve says he doesn't like green vegetables, anything too herby, aubergines or mushrooms
And Karen says she doesn't like anything spicy

Now Sandra needs to plan a vegetarian, shellfish free meal that doesn't contain tomato, garlic, cream, most other dairy products, green vegetables, aubergines, mushrooms, spices and the final dish can't be too herby either. People with their long lists of dislikes don't seem to consider that they're not the only person at the table and if everyone did that it all adds up.

I always ask people what things they really enjoy before I buy in order to avoid this. I think if you're going to feed people, you should feed them what they like.

That said, if I was being hosted and they didn't ask me, I'd eat what was put in front of me and pretend it was lovely no matter what it was.

In short, it's rude imo to not ensure your guests will have food they love and it's also rude to do anything but eat what's put in front of you if they don't.

I do. I hosted family for Christmas and made 4 different Christmas dinners in order to give everyone their favourite food. I even boiled some of the veg into disgusting mushyness because that's how my mum likes it.

Agree - if you can't eat something (allergy, religion, vegetarian), I am happy to respect that - but if you just won't eat it? Bugger that!

Tough. You aren't five.

How about sending a list of behaviour you like from a guest:

Thanks for your list of likes and dislikes. Mine are - a bunch of flowers and or a bottle of wine, good conversation between all guests, no arguments, no staying beyond 11 0'clock. Offering to help clear up, no pooing in the loo, no getting stupidly drunk, no breaking crockery, glasses or spilling wine on the rug.

A whole list?? That’s excessive. But some kind of heads up is fine (or even polite) imo.

a friend of mine just won’t eat fish, she absolutely hates it and just can’t deal with the taste, texture etc. of most (all?) seafoods.

I would want to know that. How unfortunate would it be if I invited her and prepared mostly “fish-centric” dishes?

my SO eats everything except fennel. He just won’t. Wouldn’t you want to know? Before you made a roast fennel / root vegetable bake as your veggie side? Or fennel pasta if you were to invite him?

One of the perks of being an adult is that no one is going to make you eat stuff you don’t like.
Lots of people are ‘fussy’ in that there are foods they don’t like, but they get round it by making and choosing their own food.

@LolaSmiles
For everyone saying it's reasonable to give a host a long list of things you don't like to cater around (not talking allergies, intolerance, medical here), do you really think that's fair on the host?

Sandra is planning to invite some friends round:
Daniel has a shellfish allergy
Sarah is vegetarian
Ok so far so good, easy enough to cater for.
But Michelle doesn't like tomato, garlic or anything with cream or dairy products in it
And Steve says he doesn't like green vegetables, anything too herby, aubergines or mushrooms
And Karen says she doesn't like anything spicy

Sandra needs new friends.

If I invite people over to dinner I always ask if there's anything they don't like before I plan the menu. My friends do the same to us. I would have thought this was normal practice?

I refuse to eat something I don’t like, on the basis of ‘you eat what you’re given.’ Lol says who?

Wouldn’t you ask your guests if there was anything that they didn’t like so that you didn’t make it? I don’t think it’s rude for them to let you know what they don’t like. Obviously if they’ve let you know extremely last minute then still cook what you had planned to do. Saying that, I only invite my actual friends round to my house so of course I’d want to accommodate them

Same here. If I don’t know already, I’d say is there anything you don’t eat so I can avoid it?

I don’t eat lamb or offal (eeughh), so I’d let them know if asked. If someone doesn’t ask ahead, it gets tricky. I wouldn’t send a list though! Would just not eat it on the day.

This is why I am glad that "dinner parties" just aren't part of my world.
Casual BBQs where everyone brings a bit of what they like to share - I enjoy those.
Getting together with friends and having snacks (Doritos and dips type snacks...) - I enjoy that too.
But dinner parties.....so glad they aren't in my life 😂