To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

your H is right, you wouldn’t have done this to your dc

Well yeah. She could have just said no to the sleepover if it were here child couldn't she and this whole situation could have been avoided. It could have been avoided here too if her husband, who's child she was caring for solo that evening, just accepted when his wife said she didn't feel up to doing something and didn't proceed to guilt her into doing it his way when he wasn't even there.

Do you think that would have happened if the child was theirs and not his? Would it heck. OP would have been entitled to say no if the child was hers.

I’m a stepparent myself, and it’s a mystery to me why so many MN stepparents act like their DSCs are nothing to do with them. It’s unkind and can’t do anything to improve family relationships. It’s hardly surprising the insistence that blended families never work when this is how stepparents behave.

If this is real which I find hard to believe (( looking forward to the deletion message from MNHQ )) then you've made yourself look like a complete and utter weirdo......not only to the kids parents but to your partner too.......pretty impressive tbh.

After your update @chucklechucky it appears you have a major DH problem

Was he always like that?

Would you appreciate your 3 year old being made to feel like an inconvenience at their friends house when they’re older?

You sound awful.

Given your update, OP, I don’t think you were unreasonable, exactly, but I think you give in on the big things and put your foot down on the little things to try and get some semblance of balance. But you end up with the stuff you shouldn’t be putting up with happening anyway and you looking petty on the things you do hold the line on.

As someone upthread said, you need to sit down with DH and lay out how it’s going to be. You may need a counselor to help you both talk about the issues in a way that gets you both heard and working together. This is assuming your DH is only an ass over his DSS. If he’s as dismissive of your point of view more generally, you need to start thinking about leaving, because it’s not good for you or your DD (or your DSS, for that matter) to live in an environment where one adult rides roughshod over another.

I'd have told him to leave the money to have pizzas delivered. No cooking required, kids fed and you get a night off cooking for being nice enough to have them.

You haven't come off this looking good at all. To anyone. How mean of you and dare I say, a little spiteful. You're not a good example of a step parent.

Made to feel an inconvenience because they had tea at home before going to a last minute sleepover. Hilarious.

I must be the only parent in the world who wouldn't expect another household to feed my kid if they asked for a last minute sleepover. In fact I'd probably do the opposite and make sure my child was fed prior to going so the other family wasn't put out at all by last minute plans.

Pre arranged sleepovers sure, last minute ones? What's the big deal.

OP’s child is 3 and hasn’t had any guests yet, but as soon as that starts happening she’ll see what a monumental tool she’s been.

im usually team step mum, but this time I’m appalled at how stingy and mean she’s been to her dss friend. It’s an honour to have your dss want to have his friends over to his dads. ‘Dragging a 3yo to the shops’ really! 3yo popped into trolly, job done.

mean.

I’d have fed them both. Seems a bit pedantic not to. Sitting to eat with his friends is a nice opportunity to get to know DSSs friendship group

Well I don't have any step kids and won't do any sleepovers so your DSS is very lucky! You decided what was within your remit whilst you were on your own, I don't see what was wrong with asking the child to eat at their own house first.

We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

This bit is bizarre.
What do you mean, you don't want to sit at a table with a child you've not met? That is exactly how you do get to know your dcs' friends. It seems quite odd tht you were happy to have a child stay overnight, but not share your table. Eating round the table with your family, and yes, as they get older, their friends occasionally is a really, really good way to have a good relationship with your teens and know what is going on in their lives. You should really work on getting over this rather strange fear / feeling (?)

You say your DH isn’t prepared to listen to any opinion which isn’t 100% positive when it comes to his son, however do you actually ever say anything positive about him or is it always little moans?

Thing is if you normally point out the good points too, then absolutely your husband should take on board your negative points. However if you only ever point out the bad I can see why that would be draining and why he’d feel defensive of his son.

Wow, I’m surprised at the comments. I’m a bit of a soft touch parent and happen to have an 11 yo ds (with exH) and 3 yo (with DP) so seeing the situation from the other side. Maybe I’ve just lived through more than my share of impromptu sleepovers (with my own ds) but I totally understand your pov as well as the hassle of taking a 3 yo out late shopping for dinner. I think “yes to sleepover but could friend have tea first?” sounds a really good compromise actually.

And no way would I dictate what dp was happy to take on if in terms of ds if he was looking after him for me. I’d be really grateful if he facilitated a sleepover.

You see this and OP's post is the reason so many relationships fail. Talk about entitlement.. what happened to just being kind and treating the child as a child and not point scoring?

You felt the way you did, OP, I don't think it was arsey, or shi*ty etc. However, there is the "moral duty", if you want, to feed the children.
It sounds as if you have a husband problem.
I'm child free and never had any intention to mingle with anyone with kids, so that's that. At least the other kid had tea prior to the visit.

I don't get why everyone is getting so upset about it. The friend coming for a sleep over wasn't already at the house, OP didn't send him away to have tea at home and then come back. She asked him to eat before he got there. Now her whole relationship with DH and DSS is being called into question. Chill the fuck out!

Yabu. I’d have fed them both, friends coming over randomly and staying for meals is what happens when you have kids imo.

You clearly don’t want to do anything for your DSS because he’s not yours. You’re asking for DSS to hate you. You’re not doing yourself any favours with your DH either.

Posts like this make me so glad I didn’t have kids before I married and might have to deal with this kind of spouse (you). Yabu and mean spirited.

You sound so spiteful.

Always sooooo much internalised misogyny on these threads. Women are not born to serve.

yanbu op

Its peak mumsnet to me to suggest the parents would think OP bizarre because they had to feed their own child before they went for a sleepover that wasn't arranged until the day.

I must just be common as muck because I'd just think yeah fair enough I'll make sure Jimmy's eaten before he comes to you. Expecting another family to put on a spread for your kid when they have asked for a sleepover that day and thinking the other parent is a tool or bizarre for not doing so is hilarious.

I mean if you want to do that then great but expecting it for a last minute sleepover? Really?

The thing that gets me is how hypocritical these posters are.

"Treat them like your own unless that involves saying no".

They don't want OP to treat DSS like her own. Well unless it involves money or fun things. As per. But some normal part of parenting like saying no to a sleepover? OH THE HORROR, HE WILL REMEMBER FOREVER, HOW UNWELCOME THE LITTLE LAD MUST FEEL. Its all just bullshit.

Your poor DSS. Are you always so unfeeling towards them?

Sure, more notice might have been nice but it’s really not a big deal to feed one child and they keep themselves occupied.

You need to be kinder to this child.