Page 8 | To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

chucklechucky · 2024-02-14T17:17:09+00:00

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post. Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together. DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping! I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met. Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older". We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late). Things with me and DH were tense the next day. Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know. I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

Cosyblankets · 14/02/2024 19:34

I don't understand the big issue with a sitdown meal.
You cook
You sit down
You eat
Why is that such a big deal?

Dundundun10 · 14/02/2024 19:35

God I really hope previous posters never do actually experience anything traumatic with regards to their children if THIS is what they create such a big deal over.

He wanted a friend over last minute and was told okay on the proviso he has tea first. Jesus Christ, she didn't make him sleep on the driveway.

What a bunch of drama llamas.

Would anyone seriously be that put out at having to feed their own child before they went for an impromptu sleepover? If so, kindly get a grip.

thebestinterest · 14/02/2024 19:36

I find your attitude towards an 11yr not only disgusting, but mean.

if you can’t bear to be welcoming and kind, don’t agree to have friends over. So very nasty, op.

Angelik · 14/02/2024 19:36

chucklechucky · 14/02/2024 18:46

I guess I find the whole "you wouldn't do it if it were your child" argument a bit disingenuous. Because it is different. In the sense that I'd have felt able to say no without being shamed in the first place if it were my child, I'd have perhaps organised it in advance and made sure I had something better in and if, heaven forbid, I did ask that my child's friend had dinner before staying, I'd have been able to do that without getting it in the neck.

I do feel like when DH says this what he actually means is "do whatever I want you to do for my child and don't have an opinion on it otherwise I'll say you must hate him".

PPs have suggested it's a wider issue of me not treating DSS like I do our DC, and that is probably correct. But I do feel over the years I have been unable to do that as DH will never accept or listen to any criticism or opinion that isn't 100% positive. It seems I'm only able or expected to treat DSS as my own when it's something DH or DSS wants, anything else and it's not my business or I'm just being horrid because he's not mine.

And honestly, I just really don't see the huge issue with asking for a last minute sleepover guest to have some tea before coming. I genuinely don't feel I'd think twice about that when my child is older if it were asked of them.

In my mind it was a compromise. I didn't feel like hosting that night, DH knew that but I'd been peppered into agreeing DSS having a friend over and my only request was that he just have some dinner beforehand then. I didn't think it was that big of an issue (and still don't really understand the fuss tbh).

As PP said, if it was such an issue maybe DH could have paid for a takeaway for them but surprisingly he didn't offer to do that.

But you took it out on your dss and his friend. Your dss probably knows how you feel. I bet it makes him feel like shit.

Veronicaisaflower · 14/02/2024 19:36

Dundundun10 · 14/02/2024 19:35

God I really hope previous posters never do actually experience anything traumatic with regards to their children if THIS is what they create such a big deal over.

He wanted a friend over last minute and was told okay on the proviso he has tea first. Jesus Christ, she didn't make him sleep on the driveway.

What a bunch of drama llamas.

Would anyone seriously be that put out at having to feed their own child before they went for an impromptu sleepover? If so, kindly get a grip.

That's not the point, and you know it.

Dundundun10 · 14/02/2024 19:37

All these ridiculous comments about DSS being traumatised and remembering this forever etc are absolutely ludicrous. His friend had tea at home and then came over and they had a good time by the sounds of it.

Why are people frothing over this so much?

Although I shouldn't be surprised to be fair, this is mumsnet where the pinnacle of horror is having to buy your own drink at someone's wedding or some other complete none event.

JudgeJ · 14/02/2024 19:38

SeulementUneFois · 14/02/2024 17:20

Completely agree with you OP.
Maybe you need a sit down conversation with DH in general about not taking advantage of you in general, seeing you as built in childcare etc.
As otherwise his attitude could grow legs.

He was working overtime, presumably to the advantage of the family, he wasn't off doing a famous MN hobby or propping the bar up in the pub.

Surely if someone marries a person with children from another relationship they accept that there will be occasions where necessity means they have to look after the child.

myoldmansadustman9 · 14/02/2024 19:39

I don't see the big deal about having a sit down meal with your son's friend. They're 11, not 6.
It makes me sad to see so clearly how differently someone will treat a stepson as opposed to a biological son. I'm sure someone wouldn't act like this if it was their biological child...

Dundundun10 · 14/02/2024 19:39

Veronicaisaflower · 14/02/2024 19:36

That's not the point, and you know it.

Show quote history

What's the point?

Would you feel so horrified at this if it were her own child who's friend she'd asked to eat first? If not, why not?

I'm assuming posters are frothing so much because said child is a step child and should therefore have whatever they want whenever they want in exactly the way they want lest they feel "unwelcome" by being told no.

funinthesun19 · 14/02/2024 19:39

As PP said, if it was such an issue maybe DH could have paid for a takeaway for them but surprisingly he didn't offer to do that.

Exactly. He should have done this. If he didn’t offer you should have spoken up and told him that’s what he needs to do. It’s a very normal thing to do when children’s friends come for a sleepover on a Saturday night.

Especially when the adult looking after them doesn’t have any food in to accommodate a last minute sleepover. A takeaway is a very logical solution. But because you’re the stepmum and not mum, you should have chosen the most difficult option possible in order to show how much you care and a takeaway is probably seen as “not enough effort being made” 🤦🏼‍♀️.

The father should have been a bit more thoughtful and considerate but as always on these threads his behaviour gets ignored.

Itsbeginingtolookalotlikexmas · 14/02/2024 19:40

I imagine it was embarrassing to ask for him to have his tea beforehand. It reeks of you begrudging the sleepover.
Ive had many a last minute sleepovers and will shove something on even if it’s just Mac and cheese. Kids tend to prefer simple food anyway.

thebestinterest · 14/02/2024 19:40

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 14/02/2024 17:21

I'd welcome the opportunity to get to know DSS's friends a bit better, you can gauge a lot about what's going on in their lives from their friends!

Yeah. Except that’s reserved for people who genuinely love and care about their DSC. Does op sound like that type of person to you? She wouldn’t know kindness if it slapped her in the face.

Dundundun10 · 14/02/2024 19:40

JudgeJ · 14/02/2024 19:38

He was working overtime, presumably to the advantage of the family, he wasn't off doing a famous MN hobby or propping the bar up in the pub.

Surely if someone marries a person with children from another relationship they accept that there will be occasions where necessity means they have to look after the child.

Show quote history

And in those situations the person doing the looking after of said child should have the agency to say no or yes but only if X without being given grief.

Don't leave your child with someone if you're not happy for them to parent and deal with situations how they see fit.

Why should he get to have it both ways?

Epidote · 14/02/2024 19:41

Lovely blended family.

BirthdayRainbow · 14/02/2024 19:45

I was never allowed people round really and only remember once a guest being fed with us. My children can have anyone round and if it isn't over a meal time I either bake or do a picnic on the table for them to help themselves. Welcome everyone as much as you can. It's the bigger picture.. also wasn't fed well myself in another placement so no one is allowed to be here and be hungry.

Moier · 14/02/2024 19:46

How nasty.. one more mouth.. surely you could have made it stretch with a bit of imagination..
I'd never ever do this..
It's horrid thing to do to kids.
It beggers belief.

BigAnne · 14/02/2024 19:46

Your DSS is part of your family. You are a nasty piece of work lady.

WhichEllie · 14/02/2024 19:47

JMSA · 14/02/2024 19:34

Has the OP come back at all?

Yes, but it’s a bit hard to find amongst all the frothing. You can select “see all” on the OP to see it.

Unsurprisingly, her husband is a dick who expects her to do as he says with his son. He gets shitty if she isn’t 100% positive about him and won’t let her have any parenting input, then accuses her of not treating him the same when she steps back to avoid his ire.

Bleakmidwinter1977 · 14/02/2024 19:47

Blended families only work if one adult is prepared to make concessions - which means putting everyone's needs before your own, even if it means keeping your opinions to yourself.
The step-parent will always be the bad guy, the parent bringing a new partner into child's life will always feel guilty and have a ready made excuse when you disagree with anything. "You don't like my child" is very easy to say to a step-parent, "You don't like our child" is not something most parents resort to when they disagree with their own child's behaviour or how to raise them.

Dundundun10 · 14/02/2024 19:48

BirthdayRainbow · 14/02/2024 19:45

I was never allowed people round really and only remember once a guest being fed with us. My children can have anyone round and if it isn't over a meal time I either bake or do a picnic on the table for them to help themselves. Welcome everyone as much as you can. It's the bigger picture.. also wasn't fed well myself in another placement so no one is allowed to be here and be hungry.

I'm sorry about that but no where has it been said the SS is never allowed a friend round or that they are never usually fed. As far as we know this is a one off occurrence. And every now and then parents, even step parents, should be allowed to say no. Especially if they are the only adult there at the time.

This is entirely the DHs fault for knowingly putting his wife under pressure to agree to something he was well aware she didn't want to do. That is shitty behaviour and OP is right that it wouldn't have happened if we were talking about her own child.

Dundundun10 · 14/02/2024 19:49

Bleakmidwinter1977 · 14/02/2024 19:47

Blended families only work if one adult is prepared to make concessions - which means putting everyone's needs before your own, even if it means keeping your opinions to yourself.
The step-parent will always be the bad guy, the parent bringing a new partner into child's life will always feel guilty and have a ready made excuse when you disagree with anything. "You don't like my child" is very easy to say to a step-parent, "You don't like our child" is not something most parents resort to when they disagree with their own child's behaviour or how to raise them.

This.

And I doubt very much that people would be so up in arms if this weren't about a step child.

MzHz · 14/02/2024 19:49

Sprogonthetyne · 14/02/2024 17:23

I can't imagine begrudging an 11yo food, how unwelcome must that kid have felt. Unless finance's are very tight, the solution was DH pays for the kids to get a takeaway.

As the mum of a now 18yo, 100% this, @chucklechucky

what you’ve done is appalling and out and out MEAN.

your H is right, you wouldn’t have done this to your dc. If I were your h I’d be seriously disappointed in you and it would make me really think about what the future held with you

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2024 19:49

Illpickthatup · 14/02/2024 17:36

You're a stepmum so you're automatically an arsehole no matter what you do.

I don't see the problem in asking for the kid to have dinner before coming over. Hardly too much to ask his parents to feed him when you're going to have him overnight You didn't know this kid. He could have been a fussy eater. I've had kids for dinner last minute and all they eat is nuggets and chips which is something we don't eat so don't have at home. I'm then left searching the kitchen trying to find something they will eat and they usually end up with toast or cereal.

If your DH wasn't happy then you set a rule that when you're watching DSS there's no sleepovers.

If it happens frequently, why can't you keep some nuggets in the freezer for your children's guests?

Jook · 14/02/2024 19:50

chucklechucky · 14/02/2024 18:46

I guess I find the whole "you wouldn't do it if it were your child" argument a bit disingenuous. Because it is different. In the sense that I'd have felt able to say no without being shamed in the first place if it were my child, I'd have perhaps organised it in advance and made sure I had something better in and if, heaven forbid, I did ask that my child's friend had dinner before staying, I'd have been able to do that without getting it in the neck.

I do feel like when DH says this what he actually means is "do whatever I want you to do for my child and don't have an opinion on it otherwise I'll say you must hate him".

PPs have suggested it's a wider issue of me not treating DSS like I do our DC, and that is probably correct. But I do feel over the years I have been unable to do that as DH will never accept or listen to any criticism or opinion that isn't 100% positive. It seems I'm only able or expected to treat DSS as my own when it's something DH or DSS wants, anything else and it's not my business or I'm just being horrid because he's not mine.

And honestly, I just really don't see the huge issue with asking for a last minute sleepover guest to have some tea before coming. I genuinely don't feel I'd think twice about that when my child is older if it were asked of them.

In my mind it was a compromise. I didn't feel like hosting that night, DH knew that but I'd been peppered into agreeing DSS having a friend over and my only request was that he just have some dinner beforehand then. I didn't think it was that big of an issue (and still don't really understand the fuss tbh).

As PP said, if it was such an issue maybe DH could have paid for a takeaway for them but surprisingly he didn't offer to do that.

Hosting! Divvying up an extra bowl of pasta for a little kid.

I think it was mean spirited and I bet the other kid’s family think you’re frankly bizarre.

5128gap · 14/02/2024 19:51

I think it was a social faux pas to ask the friend to have tea first and not great that you hosted the child under sufferance, wouldn't eat with him and so on. Its not his fault you feel put on. Next time, if you don't want to do something, put your foot down with your DH, say no, and mean it. Far better than doing half a job begrudgingly.