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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

1000 replies

chucklechucky · 14/02/2024 17:17

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

OP posts:
RamblingAroundTheInternet · 14/02/2024 20:18

I think what you said was fine OP as it was last minute. For all the boys parents knew you may have already eaten.

Assuming you HAD eaten at your house before the child came over? You didn’t make the kid sit there while you, your DC and DSS were eating at the table did you after telling him to eat before he came? That would have made it very obvious that you didn’t want him there and I could understand your DH’s position.

Did you offer snacks and breakfast or did you just not feed him at all during the whole sleepover?

Was your DH working overnight? How often does he have contact with DSS and why is he working at those times?

It’s not DSS’s or his mothers fault if his Dad chooses to work on his contact time because he created another family that he can’t support without doing overtime!

I bet you’re resentful of any CM he pays to his ex too?

Codlingmoths · 14/02/2024 20:19

If my Dh said I don’t want to take a 3yo to the shops I’d have stared incredulously. If he’d have said I don’t want to take the 3 of them (our dc- aged 1-9) to the shops, I’d have understood, if it was because I was out I’d have said fine. And I also can’t understand not wanting to sit down with a strange 11yo, so I do think there is either a big backstory or you need to adjust to life with children, including your 11yo. I think your dh is right and you won’t be doing this to your own child, so you owe him an apology.

Hoolahooploop · 14/02/2024 20:21

How unkind. Just make a kid some food. It’s not that hard and it’s not his friend over every day

LuluBlakey1 · 14/02/2024 20:21

Mean behaviour. Not DSS's fault or his little friend so why they were treated shabbily I don't know. I can't imagine treating children like this.

Illpickthatup · 14/02/2024 20:25

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2024 19:49

If it happens frequently, why can't you keep some nuggets in the freezer for your children's guests?

Show quote history

It doesn't happen that frequently. My freezer is crammed as it is without trying to squeeze in food we'll never eat.

AnnaCBi · 14/02/2024 20:29

It’s really really sad that a step child would feel that you begrudge him, feel that he is in need of ‘childcare’ as opposed to just being a kid at home with his stepmam.

Poor kid deserves better. Couldn’t you have got to know his friend for 15 mins at the dinner table? Why would you not want to? The only reason I can think of is that you do not treat him how you would treat your own. If this is how you’d treat your own daughter then….

sunglassesonthetable · 14/02/2024 20:30

Mean.

What's this " don't want to sit at the table with a strange 11 year old " bollocks?

You're a grown up.

Bellyblueboy · 14/02/2024 20:31

I can’t imagine begrudging a child a meal. Sounds a bit odd and you are playing into the wicked stepmother narrative.

when you and your husband split how will you feel if his new wife treats your child and their friend like this? Would you not want her to be welcoming? I am sure you would expect that of your new partner? It’s not hard to cook tea for an 11 year old.

Ohhbaby · 14/02/2024 20:31

Oogh, after your update you sound worse.
The not feeding them is one thing (I would have done, but I mean there is an argument not to) but I agree with other pp, this screams a larger issue of you not really liking/enjoying your dss. Sort of resenting ever having to do anything for them. '(I was left alone with dss)'
The poor poor child, who not only has to come to terms with living in 2 households, his parents splitting up, but also the new wife of his dad being less than friendly and quite obviously treating her own son different .

Bleakmidwinter1977 · 14/02/2024 20:32

Nanny0gg · 14/02/2024 19:54

After your update @chucklechucky it appears you have a major DH problem

Was he always like that?

He started acting like this when it became obvious that she had an issue with his son.

willWillSmithsmith · 14/02/2024 20:32

Couldn’t imagine being like that personally. It would be different if he was bringing half a dozen mates over but one? Seems very unkind and ungenerous to me. No wonder your DH was put out by your unfriendly attitude.

When it’s happened to me in the past I’ve asked my son if he’d prefer he and his friend ate separately to me so there wasn’t any awkwardness. I’d put their dinner on the table and leave them to it. My son said he much preferred that and hated sitting with friends parents as it was too awkward.

xyz111 · 14/02/2024 20:39

FinallyFeb · 14/02/2024 17:23

You need to be firmer in the first place and say you won’t look after DSS if your DH isn’t around if you don’t want to look after him on your own.

I think that's really sad as he's your DH. You're meant to be a team surely? It's a good opportunity to build a bond with DSS.

InterIgnis · 14/02/2024 20:41

If it’s not your own kid you’re looking after, you’re providing childcare, regardless of whether the child is related to you by blood or marriage. By agreeing to provide childcare to her stepson she’s absolutely done her husband a favour.

And providing childcare is only a responsibility of a stepparent if it’s something they’ve agreed to it (and even then they can change their mind).

StarlightLime · 14/02/2024 20:44

InterIgnis · 14/02/2024 20:41

If it’s not your own kid you’re looking after, you’re providing childcare, regardless of whether the child is related to you by blood or marriage. By agreeing to provide childcare to her stepson she’s absolutely done her husband a favour.

And providing childcare is only a responsibility of a stepparent if it’s something they’ve agreed to it (and even then they can change their mind).

God, I hope you're not a step parent 😬

sunglassesonthetable · 14/02/2024 20:47

*If it’s not your own kid you’re looking after, you’re providing childcare, regardless of whether the child is related to you by blood or marriage. By agreeing to provide childcare to her stepson she’s absolutely done her husband a favour.

And providing childcare is only a responsibility of a stepparent if it’s something they’ve agreed to it (and even then they can change their mind).*

" providing childcare "

Calliopespa · 14/02/2024 20:48

CurlewKate · 14/02/2024 17:23

@chucklechucky what bizarre behaviour on your part! What were you cooking??

And what did you feel you needed to talk about at the table? Surely an 11 year old isn’t so intimidating you couldn’t have risen to the challenge.

Tbh it’s hard to comment on these threads as SM says something that leaves us thinking “ sm treating sc differently” but if anyone voices it, the “ poor sms get a hard time” brigade weigh in. But fwiw I’m inclined to agree with your dp that these rather odd excuses wouldn’t have surfaced had it been the younger one.

Calliopespa · 14/02/2024 20:49

InterIgnis · 14/02/2024 20:41

If it’s not your own kid you’re looking after, you’re providing childcare, regardless of whether the child is related to you by blood or marriage. By agreeing to provide childcare to her stepson she’s absolutely done her husband a favour.

And providing childcare is only a responsibility of a stepparent if it’s something they’ve agreed to it (and even then they can change their mind).

Sounds like a recipe for happy families.

Bleakmidwinter1977 · 14/02/2024 20:50

InterIgnis · 14/02/2024 20:41

If it’s not your own kid you’re looking after, you’re providing childcare, regardless of whether the child is related to you by blood or marriage. By agreeing to provide childcare to her stepson she’s absolutely done her husband a favour.

And providing childcare is only a responsibility of a stepparent if it’s something they’ve agreed to it (and even then they can change their mind).

When she married him, she did so in the full knowledge he had children. Then she had a child in the full knowledge they would be brothers. Had she not wanted this child to be part of her life, treat him decently and with similar values she would her own child, she should have moved onto some other lucky chap who could empathise with her dislike for strange 11 year olds.

InterIgnis · 14/02/2024 20:51

sunglassesonthetable · 14/02/2024 20:47

*If it’s not your own kid you’re looking after, you’re providing childcare, regardless of whether the child is related to you by blood or marriage. By agreeing to provide childcare to her stepson she’s absolutely done her husband a favour.

And providing childcare is only a responsibility of a stepparent if it’s something they’ve agreed to it (and even then they can change their mind).*

" providing childcare "

Yep, looking after a kid that isn’t yours = providing childcare.

BlueGrey1 · 14/02/2024 20:52

I would have made them something to eat, surely there couldn’t have been nothing in the house you could have made for them….. something as simple as a toasted sandwich would have done if you didn’t have pizza

InterIgnis · 14/02/2024 20:54

Bleakmidwinter1977 · 14/02/2024 20:50

When she married him, she did so in the full knowledge he had children. Then she had a child in the full knowledge they would be brothers. Had she not wanted this child to be part of her life, treat him decently and with similar values she would her own child, she should have moved onto some other lucky chap who could empathise with her dislike for strange 11 year olds.

Show quote history

He, being the one actually responsible for his child, married her knowing she wasn’t his child’s mother, and didn’t consider her relationship with his child to be a parental one.

If he wanted a wife that took on that role then it was on him to not marry a woman that didn’t share his views.

UtterlyButterly2048 · 14/02/2024 20:54

You can’t sit at your table with an 11 yr old you’ve “never met” and you “didn’t feel like hosting”. All a bit odd to me. You are the adult and 11 yr olds don’t need much “hosting”? I would have fed them both.

Moonwatcher1234 · 14/02/2024 20:54

How horrible- it sounds like you were punishing your step child by making them go through the embarrassment of telling his friend not to expect to be fed at his own home. Unbelievable petty behaviour from an alleged adult.

Apolloneuro · 14/02/2024 20:56

I think if you were cooking the meal anyway, it’s a bit odd to exclude the friend.

It’s nice getting to know your kid’s mates.

Bleakmidwinter1977 · 14/02/2024 20:56

InterIgnis · 14/02/2024 20:54

He, being the one actually responsible for his child, married her knowing she wasn’t his child’s mother, and didn’t consider her relationship with his child to be a parental one.

If he wanted a wife that took on that role then it was on him to not marry a woman that didn’t share his views.

Show quote history

The clue is in the term "step-PARENT".
Don't want to be one? Don't marry/live with/have children with one.

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