To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

Point is the child is there to only spend time with their parent. That’s the purpose of contact. Not for a step parent to look after them.

You sound mean-spirited at best.

Why does a man get involved with a woman, expect her to babysit but not parent? Why does a man use his precious contact time to shirk his responsibility and chose to work overtime rather than see his son? Hmm?

Just petty and ridiculous really.

Absolutely bonkers evil step mom behaviour. You don’t sound very nice.

Bloody hell, OP, one kid wouldn't have meant doing much more cooking. I think you were very unreasonable, and you sound very resentful about having the kid there at all. Not reasonable nor decent behaviour.

Oh god, you are out of order

You will have made the child feel unwelcome and the parents a bit like they don't want to return any visit.

So you were doing him a favour which then was thrown in your face. Often men have contact when they aren’t there just to reduce child maintenance payments and expect their partners to do this for them.

OP, this is coming across as though you resent your DSS in your house. If you don't want to look after your DSS (and friend or not) without your DH then you need to arrange that with him.

But don't expect your DC3 and your DSS to have a lovely sibling relationship - you're essentially excluding DSS.

How awful for DSS having to tell his friend they need to eat before coming over.
That's one way to make dss feel uncomfortable in his own home.

Or better still don’t get involved with someone who has kids if you can’t treat them as kindly as you would your own.

Point is the child is there to only spend time with their parent. That’s the purpose of contact. Not for a step parent to look after them.

In the real world, I'm not sure if it works out that way. Nor should it. If my heart wasn't big enough to treat another man's child as my own, then I really shouldn't be with him. Especially if we have a joint child together, who in reality would be treated differently.
There are going to be so many damaged children out there because of the "blended" family model.

I would have fed them. How you sort childcare is between you and your DH but you were pretty horrible to a couple of 11 year olds. I’d feel embarrassed to tell DD to tell her mate they best eat at home. It’s just mean and tbh rude and you pu your DSS in an embarrassing position because you are angry with his dad.

Was it not a possibility to send them together to the shop to choose a pizza together as a treat?

I would've done this, supervised them bunging it in the oven and let them eat it in his room or infront of the tv as a treat, thereby having the night to myself.

That's petty and unpleasant. I don't blame your husband for being pissed off with you.

You could have sent two 11yo to the local Asda or whatever to pick up some pizza to throw in the oven.

I think it’s less about your decision but more that you’re not given the autonomy to make the decision. As you said; it sounds likely that you’d have said this regardless of whether it was DC or DSS. If you can say hand on heart you made this stipulation regardless of the fact that it was DSS but more the last minute nature then I do think DH is being the unreasonable one.

In future I’d ask for him to pay for takeaway pizzas for the older kids. That’s the compromise. But there sounds like there is a wider discussion to be had about your authority on matters like this and beyond.

I always feed everyone just in sight and I would feed this kid as well. However I can easily imagine that it could be a bit of a problem depending on your plans for the evening and what you were going to have for dinner e.g if you unfroze 3 portions of something and were planning a big shop next day. And it’s not always possible to send 11 y.o. for frozen pizza and money might be an issue for a take away. And you probably wanted to be in your dressing gown etc etc
I think the problem was that you said “no” but was guilt trip into it. You obviously didn’t say: No, no, no ! Not a chance.
You probably said: could we do this next Saturday? It’s not a good idea at such a short notice …
But then you relented under pressure and probably sounded a bit emotional hence the result.
By the way I wouldn’t say that a friend should come after his dinner, I would rather suggest him to come after your dinner and move the dinner to a bit earlier.

Your DH should have been a bit more understanding. Im sure there won’t be anything like this with your 3y.o because these situations usually happen once (with an older child mostly) and the parents become more experienced and handle things better for younger siblings.

I don't know why women marry someone with a young dc, have one together and then expect the step dc to not have a normal life in their dad's home. How can you think it's a favour to your dh? Is everything to do with DC a favour? It's your child's half sibling. They aren't going anywhere. Just can't wrap my head round the attitude at all!

You should have said no to sleepover if it wasnt convenient. Refusing to feed them is not a good idea. People with three year olds do manage to leave the house to get to the shops. YABU.

I can’t imagine an adult behaving like that when I was a child. Pretty crap behaviour from you, OP. Massively unreasonable

was it something that wouldn’t stretch to 1 more? Tbh, I’d have fed the kids and had an omelette or such later on.

You sound really lazy.

YABU. It was a one off- just a little extra effort required that’s all. Awkward for your poor dss

Has the OP come back at all?