To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

The difference between it being your own child or a step child is ....choice.
As a Mother you have a choice to invite a child for a sleepover, a choice to stock the freezer with suitable meals and snacks and a choice to look after another child.
As a step Mom you are merely facilitating other people's requests and choices.

“… and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know. ”

you sound like you don’t socialise with children very much. You don’t need to host a bunch of 11 year olds. They’d rather chat amongst themselves than to an adult tbh.

I can’t imagine ever being this inflexible as a parent. I’ve lost count of the amount of times DC friends’ have unexpectedly stopped for tea - straight after school, just before carting them to after school activities, a few hours before I’m due out for the evening. As a parent, improvise and don’t project your stress to your children by showing you can’t handle minor issues

Or just say no not tonight.

The extra food wasn't a problem, it was the fact that the friend would have had to join the family at the table, and op didn't want him to.
Op has been quite clear on this 🤷🏻‍♀️ Why are you inventing scenarios to make her seem less unreasonable?

I would never have behaved like this toward my step child when she was little. I'd be surprised if you have the same attitude with your child when they're older unless you're just a bit strange. I get it I'd you can't afford to feed another child but otherwise its a bit mad

😂😂

very true but a little out of context. She was annoyed DH was working instead of looking after own child. She was at home, he could look after himself albeit required a little peer to peer company instead of a grouchy SM who made him feel unwelcome or a burden

The fact this is a step child is entirely relevant though considering that's why she felt pressured in the first place by her husband who apparently won't let her enforce any boundaries with or say no to, his child even when he's not there. Of course its relevant.

It might explain why she's in the place she is.

But its still mean .

And some might say there was an incentive to not be petty given the relationship. Obvs not the 'not my kid not my problem ' crew.

Am I missing something here? As I always thought that if your spouse has a child before meeting you your meant to love and care for said child as if he/she was your own child, isnt that what men get told about step children.

Sounds like your complaining about having to look after the step son, even though this is what you took on when entering the relationship

Also sounds like you don't take much of an interest in the step son and see having him around as more of a job you have to do because your with his Dad......a man would get slated for this btw.

You did behaviour unreasonablely and your DH has every right to be angry and hurt.

The double standards these days are insane.

I suppose the major difference is that I enjoy being a super mum who welcome all their children’s friends

the other difference is, I leave DH to do bedtime at least 3 times a week so I can have my own downtime outside the house - OP may be less resentful when she has to “babysit” for more than 1

Did OP ever confirm how many times Dss stays at their house and how often it’s just the 3 of them ? Relevant as she may have more downtime than some PPs have suggested

I'll bet you have a much better relationship with your kids than some on this thread

OP your husband is using you.

He expects childcare when he wants it and how he dictates it. You get no say in actual parenting.

It's time to stop babysitting his kid. Let him parent his own offspring.

And if he levels the accusation against you that you treat them differently then agree. Of course you are going to treat your own child whom you actually get to parent differently!

He's really taking the piss.

This isn’t out of context. She hasn’t said anywhere that she was annoyed DH was working instead of home. Stop making things up. She was fine with looking after his child while he was working. She was annoyed he pushed her into looking after another child too at short notice. Which is, as previously mentioned, CF territory. If DSS were actually OP’s DC, her DH still shouldn’t be demanding she host a sleepover while he is at work.

And the actual context to all this is that she is annoyed that every time she tries to have boundaries over what she does when it does involve her stepson, even though these are normal boundaries for any parent to have over doing things for their DC, her DH accuses her of treating DSS poorly. When what’s actually happening is that he’s making demands of her that he shouldn’t be.

Yep. And the stick that MNers use to beat step-mums with is ‘you knew he had kids and it’s your job to look after them’. They never say DH should look after his own kids.

Sorry, but anyone staying I need to feed them. Its all part of the experience.

They never say DH should look after his own kids.

well I would here but he's out at work. 🙄

I treat children who come to my house as I would like my child to be treated if they were at a friend's house.
So they both would have been fed and watered without drama.

Yabu I think you made a fuss over nothin OP. Sorry but I think it wouldn't have taken long to chuck some fries in the oven or something simple like that and made his little friend more welcome. But each to their own 😊

Wow talk about wicked step mum, obviously it not your child, but you chose to take child on when you got together with father, like husband said you wouldn't treat your own kid that way.

Oh it’s a bit mean spirited imo!
kids having sleepovers will need to eat wether it’s dinner/snacks/breakfast! Could you not have rustled up some toast and beans and shared the pizza!
I think your dh is right to be upset, kids should fee their friends are welcome in their own home and that’s it’s a comfortable space, it’s a bit hostile to have those terms and conditions for one child sleeping over!

Did you give them breakfast?

About her taking a step mum stance that she has nothing to do with it, and leaving the kid getting embarrassed and the other kid not being offered anything to eat. It's about meanness to a child and being passive aggressive about it.
Um. The friend wasn’t there watching them eat. He arrived after dinner.

Wow. What a lot of fuss about nothing. How easy would it have been to just share out what you had already made or were going to cook to one more person and if you didn't want to do that, then why not just order a pizza in for them? Also regarding the sleepover, I'd have seen it as doing myself a favour in that the friend would keep your DSS company rather than you entertaining him and your 3YO while your DH was working.

🙄

What did you do for breakfast? Did he have to go home for it?