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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

1000 replies

chucklechucky · 14/02/2024 17:17

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

OP posts:
Ihavenoclu · 15/02/2024 18:26

My biggest worry about parting ways with my dp is that my children will have to grow up with a step 'mum' like this. So unkind and hurtful. They will remember this.

saffy2 · 15/02/2024 18:27

I agree with DSS, you wouldn’t make one of your DC friends eat before coming over. I don’t like that. I wouldn’t do it and I wouldn’t be happy if my partner did this to my DS, his DSS. And I would not be happy if my partner treated them differently.
i also think you will never have met
this child before almost the first time most friends come for dinner, that’s quite normal! Why is it a big deal that you hadnt met
him before and therefore couldn’t feed him?!

I8toys · 15/02/2024 18:30

That's really sad and unkind. I feel sorry for your dss.

JacksonLambsEatIvy · 15/02/2024 18:33

The amazing thing about all this is that we are talking about hosting a sleepover as if that is some tiny, non-bothersome thing.

Sleepovers are a pain in the arse. There is no way I’d try to palm my child and a friend sleeping over on to another adult.

Even more so when that other adult is going to also be trying to ensure that a small child sleeps through the night (many 3 year olds don’t reliably - especially not if there are overexcited, sleeping over mode 11 year olds in the house). And then there’s an expectation that the other adult needs to go to the shops and get something for the 11 year old and friend to have for dinner.

At short notice. I can imagine after being guilted by the child’s father into agreeing to the sleepover the additional trip to the shop was just a step too bloody far.

I wouldn’t expect a partner to do that for my DS. I’d ensure I arranged the sleepover for when I would be there to sort it all out.

But on MN it’s all ‘oh you evil cow. How could you deny your DSS a sleepover. It’s his home.’

Pablosdog · 15/02/2024 18:44

I guess the question is what kind of stepmum do you want to be? Does your decision align with that?
I hope your dss didn’t feel awkward, or his friend unwelcome. What a shame!

Ilovelurchers · 15/02/2024 18:46

I think you're getting it in the neck a little unfairly here OP - I wouldn't expect my husband to host a sleep over for my daughter and one of her mates if I was out/working. I guess if it was already arranged and I was called away as an emergency, it would be nice if he offered, but I wouldn't insist on it. To be fair my daughter is absolutely no trouble, either on her own or with a friend over night, so he would probably be happy to do it - but to me it's an unreasonable expectation of someone who is not the child's parent.

As for the food thing - if dd was having a friend over and DH was kind enough to say he would host them, I would buy whatever dd wanted beforehand and she and the friend would cook it - at 11 they are quite capable of heating up pizza or making pasta or whatever they fancy. If op's dss doesn't have the skills to do this, the dad could give him money to order a takeaway for him and his mate. Either way, it shouldn't automatically fall to the step-mom when the kids are this age. Of course it's lovely if she IS happy to cook for them, but I don't think she should be expected to.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/02/2024 18:54

Sleepovers are a pain in the arse. There is no way I’d try to palm my child and a friend sleeping over on to another adult.

Agree sleepovers are a PITA. But I suppose we're back to that tired old argument ( at least on this thread ) that this is not just any other. 'adult '.

You're clearly the " not my bio child, not my problem " camp. Clearly there's a difference of opinion on that.

Pizza would have been easier. But not sure why OP had to go to the shops anyway tbh. She had another meal but didn't want " to sit at the table " with the other 11 year old.

SKG231 · 15/02/2024 18:54

Ihavenoclu · 15/02/2024 18:26

My biggest worry about parting ways with my dp is that my children will have to grow up with a step 'mum' like this. So unkind and hurtful. They will remember this.

Oh please what an over exaggeration. So you’re saying that you’ve said yes to every request your child has ever given you? It’s such a double standards when it comes to step parents. You request they treat the child as their own yet heaven forbid that say no to them once in a while.

Daylightsavingscrime · 15/02/2024 18:55

But on MN it’s all ‘oh you evil cow. How could you deny your DSS a sleepover. It’s his home.’

She didn’t even deny him a sleepover she denied his friend a meal cooked by her. He had to eat his mums cooking.

The horror.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/02/2024 18:56

But on MN it’s all ‘oh you evil cow. How could you deny your DSS a sleepover. It’s his home.’

Well actually it's been why couldn't you make something / anything to feed an extra 11 yr old. It's mean.

SKG231 · 15/02/2024 18:57

Pablosdog · 15/02/2024 18:44

I guess the question is what kind of stepmum do you want to be? Does your decision align with that?
I hope your dss didn’t feel awkward, or his friend unwelcome. What a shame!

Another judgy mum who has no idea how hard it is to parent a child that isn’t your own. Maybe OP had already had a stressful day caring for their own toddler and the last thing they needed was a child they had never met coming over to be fed and entertained. Just because you’ve taken on the role of a step parent doesn’t mean you have to say yes to the child’s every request and let them walk all over you. A normal parent wouldn’t feel bad about saying no about a last minute sleep over so why should a step parent be villainised.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/02/2024 19:05

Another judgy mum who has no idea how hard it is to parent a child that isn’t your own. Maybe OP had already had a stressful day caring for their own toddler and the last thing they needed was a child they had never met coming over to be fed and entertained. Just because you’ve taken on the role of a step parent doesn’t mean you have to say yes to the child’s every request and let them walk all over you. A normal parent wouldn’t feel bad about saying no about a last minute sleep over so why should a step parent be villainised.

Do you know all the poster's family set ups?

I'm pretty sure OP isn't saying yes to her SS every request. She and Her DH seem to have a lot to sort out in terms of their parenting expectations. They same way off.

Andthereyougo · 15/02/2024 19:06

I can understand your reasoning. If your experience of parenting is up to 3 years then you’re not going to know what is expected in “hosting” an 11 year old overnight, what to feed them, etc You’ve never met the boy—- what if he’d decided at midnight he wanted to go home? It’s different when you know your child’s friends, seen the parent/s at school drop off or know them from Scouts.
In future if dss wants a sleepover you say ok for a date when his father is there.

Idubno · 15/02/2024 19:11

I'm sorry but this is disgusting behaviour. You married a man who already has a child. You then take that child as a part of your family. You are treating him like your husband's problem and not yours. Imagine the hardship of having to go to the shop for 10 mins with a 3 year old. Are you for real? This poor 11 year old is going to resent you.

Dundundun10 · 15/02/2024 19:14

Idubno · 15/02/2024 19:11

I'm sorry but this is disgusting behaviour. You married a man who already has a child. You then take that child as a part of your family. You are treating him like your husband's problem and not yours. Imagine the hardship of having to go to the shop for 10 mins with a 3 year old. Are you for real? This poor 11 year old is going to resent you.

Resent her because he had a sleepover after tea time 😂😂😂😂😂

StarlightLime · 15/02/2024 19:21

You’ve never met the boy—- what if he’d decided at midnight he wanted to go home?
You'd call his parents and let them deal with it? Do you have this much difficulty navigating life in general?

Capkayser · 15/02/2024 19:25

It isn't about inconvenience and whether op likes sleepovers or that they're a pain in the arse (which I do like and encourage actually so everyone is different) . It s about op thinking it being a dss request that's making it inconvenient for her. About her taking a step mum stance that she has nothing to do with it, and leaving the kid getting embarrassed and the other kid not being offered anything to eat. It's about meanness to a child and being passive aggressive about it. Otherwise why would she pose the question around it being a step family situation?

It's already not a nice thing to do if she was not dsm but a dm in this scenario, but becomes doubly shit because she's only doing it cos this is a step child and not her "real" family.

KellyStanfield · 15/02/2024 19:25

Dundundun10 · 14/02/2024 19:35

God I really hope previous posters never do actually experience anything traumatic with regards to their children if THIS is what they create such a big deal over.

He wanted a friend over last minute and was told okay on the proviso he has tea first. Jesus Christ, she didn't make him sleep on the driveway.

What a bunch of drama llamas.

Would anyone seriously be that put out at having to feed their own child before they went for an impromptu sleepover? If so, kindly get a grip.

The OP created a drama over looking after an 11 year old (she was already at home looking after her own child anyway)

This 11 year old didn’t sound like they needed “babysitting” - the friend and Dss seemed to have entertained themselves as OP told them to stop being too noisy.

The outrage is due to the OP finding it so difficult to source food for this extra child /or herself.

if they don’t have sufficient basic staple food in the cupboards to feed the family for an extra day or two then I don’t blame the dad for wanting to work overtime.

also treating DSS differently. I don’t get MN - on some discussions the grandparents are blasted for treating their step grand children differently. Whereas this mum is not expected to look after her own Dss. One of her first complaints was about looking after her dss!

Mel2023 · 15/02/2024 19:38

YABU. It’s an 11 year old coming for a sleepover with your DSS. As you said, at that age they occupied themselves apart from getting a bit loud at times. If you’re already cooking a meal make a little extra and feed the poor kid, or give them some money to get a pizza as a treat like others have said. To have a child to stay at your house and not feed them is odd. I’m assuming you let DSS friend have his breakfast? I think the underlying issue here is DH comparing this to what you would do for your own child, it doesn’t sound like he thinks you treat them equally. I grew up with divorced parents and I had a few friends where my Dad lived who regularly stayed over, and I also often had sleepovers at my best friends Dad’s house (probably more than at her actual home as she stayed with him most weekends). My own stepdad regularly had to put up with a barrage of teenage girls taking over his house as well! Goodness if they hadn’t been fed or were made to feel unwelcome it would have been awful!

sunglassesonthetable · 15/02/2024 19:38

Resent her because he had a sleepover after tea time 😂😂😂😂😂

Probably not that.

Hostility and bad vibes.

RawBloomers · 15/02/2024 19:39

The OP created a drama over looking after an 11 year old (she was already at home looking after her own child anyway)

In case you actually think this - do not assume anyone is happy or obliged to look after another kid just because they already have some at home anyway. Or you’ll become a staple subject on CF childcare threads.

Dundundun10 · 15/02/2024 19:40

Capkayser · 15/02/2024 19:25

It isn't about inconvenience and whether op likes sleepovers or that they're a pain in the arse (which I do like and encourage actually so everyone is different) . It s about op thinking it being a dss request that's making it inconvenient for her. About her taking a step mum stance that she has nothing to do with it, and leaving the kid getting embarrassed and the other kid not being offered anything to eat. It's about meanness to a child and being passive aggressive about it. Otherwise why would she pose the question around it being a step family situation?

It's already not a nice thing to do if she was not dsm but a dm in this scenario, but becomes doubly shit because she's only doing it cos this is a step child and not her "real" family.

The fact this is a step child is entirely relevant though considering that's why she felt pressured in the first place by her husband who apparently won't let her enforce any boundaries with or say no to, his child even when he's not there. Of course its relevant.

Missyfire999 · 15/02/2024 19:42

That was really unkind of you to be honest, and it would certainly have been a big deal to your DSS. When children want to do these things, one of the best parts is having their tea together, and that was incredibly mean of you to not let them do that, and to in general make the whole thing very akward. It's not taking advantage of you at all, it's being a parent, making your child happy (including stepchildren), and it's also a good idea to get to know their friends as well. This was about letting your stepson having a normal fun time with his friend, and what children do, it really shouldn't have been all about you, and how selfish you clearly are.

Dundundun10 · 15/02/2024 19:43

also treating DSS differently

Because she isn't given the agency to treat him the same by the child's parent. Treating him the same as her own would be having the ability to say "no I don't feel up to that today so it'll have to be another time" and that being the end of it. Which hasn't happened here precisely because this child isn't her own.

Bluebellsparklypant · 15/02/2024 19:45

Yes, you were being unreasonable, and unkind.

this

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