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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

1000 replies

chucklechucky · 14/02/2024 17:17

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

OP posts:

StarTrek1 · 15/02/2024 16:36

Clarabell77 · 15/02/2024 16:30

This!

Show quote history

The more I read these mumsnet posts - the more I agree with this statement.

NonPlayerCharacter · 15/02/2024 16:44

chucklechucky · 14/02/2024 18:46

I guess I find the whole "you wouldn't do it if it were your child" argument a bit disingenuous. Because it is different. In the sense that I'd have felt able to say no without being shamed in the first place if it were my child, I'd have perhaps organised it in advance and made sure I had something better in and if, heaven forbid, I did ask that my child's friend had dinner before staying, I'd have been able to do that without getting it in the neck.

I do feel like when DH says this what he actually means is "do whatever I want you to do for my child and don't have an opinion on it otherwise I'll say you must hate him".

PPs have suggested it's a wider issue of me not treating DSS like I do our DC, and that is probably correct. But I do feel over the years I have been unable to do that as DH will never accept or listen to any criticism or opinion that isn't 100% positive. It seems I'm only able or expected to treat DSS as my own when it's something DH or DSS wants, anything else and it's not my business or I'm just being horrid because he's not mine.

And honestly, I just really don't see the huge issue with asking for a last minute sleepover guest to have some tea before coming. I genuinely don't feel I'd think twice about that when my child is older if it were asked of them.

In my mind it was a compromise. I didn't feel like hosting that night, DH knew that but I'd been peppered into agreeing DSS having a friend over and my only request was that he just have some dinner beforehand then. I didn't think it was that big of an issue (and still don't really understand the fuss tbh).

As PP said, if it was such an issue maybe DH could have paid for a takeaway for them but surprisingly he didn't offer to do that.

Did you ask?

Whatever you're making for one kid, it's really no bother to do more of the same for one more. You just didn't want to sit and talk to him, which is a bit mean for a child who's a guest.

You also seem put out that you had to ask them to keep it down a bit. I suggest you get used to that...

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 15/02/2024 16:48

It's so easy to chuck something else in the oven or at the very least do beans on toast or send them out for a takeaway or to pick up their own pizza. If you have eggs you can do an omelette, tortilla etc.

Half the point of a sleepover is the child being asked eats with you all, no?

RainbowFlutter · 15/02/2024 16:49

Ask yourself if you would have treated your own child like this. I suspect not. You're reaping what you sow with your step children.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2024 16:50

StarTrek1 · 15/02/2024 15:43

I have a stepson who is 21 and wouldn’t have a problem if he had his friend over and would happily cook more food if he had been invited for dinner.

But then my husband isn’t a CF who would weaponise the fact that I’m merely the stepmum if I said something didn’t suit me about the arrangement.

I think he’s manipulative for throwing that back in your face when it’s perfectly legitimate to lay down your boundaries regarding last minute guest arrangements.

There isn’t anything wrong with saying that his friend should have his tea first - if that’s what suits your schedule on a Saturday night.

If your husband was that bothered about it, he could have prepared something for the kids to heat up later. It’s easy for the CF to dismiss the workload involved with having guests over especially at short notice.

I think DH and DSS were CFs to arrange a sleepover where you had to have the mental load of planning dinner on your Saturday evening where DH wasn’t around to share the childcare.

I understand your DH chose to work overtime that evening- so the childcare fell on you. But that was even more reason to postpone the sleepover imo.

Going forward, it would better to have some boundaries in place eg

No sleepovers unless both of you are in the house

Children to ask first if they can have a sleepover before asking their friends

Friends can have tea with the family at a sleepover if there is enough notice for the sleepover (not last minute when one of you is working and the other has already got the meal planned)

Hopefully the next time you don’t want to do something, you just say ‘no’ outright rather than making the situation awkward.

This.

Sit down with your H and DSS and make sure they understand last minute arrangements are not on.

I've hosted dozens of sleepovers (large family) and my big rule was no surprises at dinnertime. I didn't ask for arrangements days in advance. Just a few hours was

Dietary restrictions of friends have to be discussed - allergies, extreme pickiness, etc.

Both adults need to be there in case there's an emergency, or the friend's parents need to be available to pick up quickly if you have to bring someone to A&E.

Chanxex · 15/02/2024 16:51

I literally can’t get over the fact that you were already feeding 2 children so could have made a bit more and weren’t willing to bing a bit of pasta in a pan and make them both some pasta with grated cheese / jar of pesto. I think your husband is right.

RawBloomers · 15/02/2024 16:56

RainbowFlutter · 15/02/2024 16:49

Ask yourself if you would have treated your own child like this. I suspect not. You're reaping what you sow with your step children.

RTFT, or at least OP’s posts. She has already addressed this argument. And the answer is - No. She wouldn’t have treated her own child like this because she wouldn’t have been coerced into a sleepover in the first place.

Marcipex · 15/02/2024 16:58

I think it’s just about okay if you were lavish with some snacks and treats.

I would have sent them to the shop with a tenner.

mathanxiety · 15/02/2024 16:58

muckcook · 15/02/2024 10:56

My 12 yr old daughter was invited to a last minute sleepover just yesterday.

My first question was ' are they feeding you or shall I make dinner'

I didn't and don't assume a sleepover indicates dinner and I always ask

As it happens they were having a family dinner first and so I fed my daughter before she went. I don't feel the slightest bit put out and my daughter didn't care either

Don't overthink this part of the story. The real issue here is you and your partners difference of opinions on how his child fits in with the family

Yes to this.

Also an issue - the expectation that the OP will put up and shut up and the refusal to discuss points of conflict. As I said before, sometimes you get an idea of why the previous wife drew a line in the sand.

MysteriousInspector · 15/02/2024 17:02

@chucklechucky you said
I do feel like when DH says this what he actually means is "do whatever I want you to do for my child and don't have an opinion on it otherwise I'll say you must hate him".

This does not sound good. Could you have a DH problem?

I would have asked the visitor to have tea first as well - I would want a bit of notice if someone was going to come and have tea, let alone stay over.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/02/2024 17:06

Gosh ! If you didn't want to sit at the table with an unknown 11 year old boy, then what stopped you from eating with YOUR child first and letting the boys eat 20 or so mins later ?

That was a good way to make the stepson's friend feel unwelcome / His parents to think a) you are mean and b) you don't like stepson c) you don't want to meet or get to know stepson's friends

Shame on you, you are the adult they are children

Whatever problems you have in your marriage you do not take it out on the children - esp the Husband's children.

unloquacious · 15/02/2024 17:07

Your stepson might only be 11, but make sure to get to know who your children hang out with. You sound so so petty. Awful actually.

Daylightsavingscrime · 15/02/2024 17:17

I’m not seeing the issue tbh. DSS friend had tea at home, came over, both DSS and his friend were happy but DH is sulking. Over what exactly?

sunglassesonthetable · 15/02/2024 17:19

I’m not seeing the issue tbh. DSS friend had tea at home, came over, both DSS and his friend were happy but DH is sulking. Over what exactly?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

RTFT you'll get the gist

Daylightsavingscrime · 15/02/2024 17:21

That was a good way to make the stepson's friend feel unwelcome / His parents to think a) you are mean and b) you don't like stepson c) you don't want to meet or get to know stepson's friends

No stepsons friends parents almost certainly don’t have an opinion as they have other things to worry about. I’m not even sure the step son and friend sat around analysing it. At least it doesn’t sound like they complained? It’s DH who has the humph.

Daylightsavingscrime · 15/02/2024 17:24

RTFT you'll get the gist

I’ve read OPs responses (under the show all button) and there’s only one. 🤷‍♀️

chiwwy · 15/02/2024 17:24

Daylightsavingscrime · 15/02/2024 17:21

That was a good way to make the stepson's friend feel unwelcome / His parents to think a) you are mean and b) you don't like stepson c) you don't want to meet or get to know stepson's friends

I agree. DH could have slung his son a tenner to get mcdonalds or chicken and chips on the way home.

chiwwy · 15/02/2024 17:27

mathanxiety · 15/02/2024 16:58

Yes to this.

Show quote history

Agreed

chiwwy · 15/02/2024 17:29

muckcook · 15/02/2024 10:56

My 12 yr old daughter was invited to a last minute sleepover just yesterday.

My first question was ' are they feeding you or shall I make dinner'

I didn't and don't assume a sleepover indicates dinner and I always ask

As it happens they were having a family dinner first and so I fed my daughter before she went. I don't feel the slightest bit put out and my daughter didn't care either

Don't overthink this part of the story. The real issue here is you and your partners difference of opinions on how his child fits in with the family

This is the sensible, non-MN way to handle these things. The pearl clutching 'won't anyone think of the children' drama is unnecessary.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/02/2024 17:32

I’ve read OPs responses (under the show all button) and there’s only one. 🤷‍♀️

well done

Daylightsavingscrime · 15/02/2024 17:34

well done

What’s you’re point though?
If the OP hasn’t engaged with the thread then what’s this gist to which you refer?

Vonesk · 15/02/2024 17:37

I was in a similar situation with extended family a few years ago. I was asked to mind ABABY and other children
I knew it would be a handful for me and Overwhelming.
So I prewarned them beforhand that I would only.be cooking homemade Rice Pudding
.nothing else. So I' minded them all, they all had Tice Pudding to eat.
I knew my limitations for coping.

Islandgirl68 · 15/02/2024 18:19

Nothing wrong with asking the friend to have tea before he came, if it was last minute and you did not have enough food in to feed him. And yiu could have said next time he can have dinner if yiu are given more notice. And reasonable mums would understand.

CockSpadget · 15/02/2024 18:22

I think YABU. Kids love to have their tea together at sleepovers. It’s not a big deal to plate another meal up really is it. (Unless there are financial constraints)

grisen · 15/02/2024 18:24

Allofaflutter · 14/02/2024 19:21

Point is the child is there to only spend time with their parent. That’s the purpose of contact. Not for a step parent to look after them.

I hope you feel the same way even if they spend 5 nights a week with the parent and the same to the mother.
these kind of comments are out of touch. Obviously if he sees his kid once a week it’s a point but also not really, it’s for the child to have a relationship with their family on both sides.
It would also be unfair if one of the parents had to deal with every sleepover.
(If OP commented how often they have the DSS I missed it)

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