To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

Of course it matters 🙄. It's the child's father's home, he has a right to be there any time he chooses.

That is clearly a matter of opinion, and we’ve already established that we don’t share the same one.

And lol, no, he doesn’t. Not unless there’s an adult there willing to assume responsibility for him.

My DH is not the father of my DC. When we decided to fully commit and live together (after a few years during which he'd developed a relationship with my DC) it was on the understanding that he would take on the role of parent, fully. Any child who has another adult brought into their home by their parent deserves to feel that their life is being enhanced not destabilised by the process. To be honest, it's a massive ask of the step parent and not necessarily reasonable, but an adult can make the choice whereas the child does not have that option. DH and I talked that through and he made a conscious, willing and well-informed decision to take on parental role. DC are now grown up but he has taken them to sports events and cheered them on in the pouring rain when I've been working, cooked them dinner probably more times than I have, helped them with their homework and hosted sleepovers. I appreciate it more than I can say although at the same time I wouldn't tolerate anything less because much as I love my DH my DC come first.

All that said, I honestly don't think it's that big a deal that the OP asked DSS's friend to eat first. This is quite normal in many households because of costs.

I’m completely confused by the whole post! Does your step son live with you & your husband? Can’t understand why it’s an issue for you to be with your step son without your husband? And it really couldn’t be any trouble to feed an extra 11 year old? Whilst there isn’t an issue asking someone to have their dinner before coming, in this case it seems unnecessary & I can understand why your husband was put out. Surely the friend could’ve just eaten the same as you all?

Classic case of your husband wanting you to treat his child as your own however also to have nothing negative to say about them or their behaviour.

you’re never going to feel the same for your step child as you do your own because they aren’t your own. You didn’t grown them in your body and birth them and have that bond and they aren’t half of you. Yes you can have a love for them but it isn’t the same.

I have a stepson who is 21 and wouldn’t have a problem if he had his friend over and would happily cook more food if he had been invited for dinner.

But then my husband isn’t a CF who would weaponise the fact that I’m merely the stepmum if I said something didn’t suit me about the arrangement.

I think he’s manipulative for throwing that back in your face when it’s perfectly legitimate to lay down your boundaries regarding last minute guest arrangements.

There isn’t anything wrong with saying that his friend should have his tea first - if that’s what suits your schedule on a Saturday night.

If your husband was that bothered about it, he could have prepared something for the kids to heat up later. It’s easy for the CF to dismiss the workload involved with having guests over especially at short notice.

I think DH and DSS were CFs to arrange a sleepover where you had to have the mental load of planning dinner on your Saturday evening where DH wasn’t around to share the childcare.

I understand your DH chose to work overtime that evening- so the childcare fell on you. But that was even more reason to postpone the sleepover imo.

Going forward, it would better to have some boundaries in place eg

• No sleepovers unless both of you are in the house

• Children to ask first if they can have a sleepover before asking their friends

• Friends can have tea with the family at a sleepover if there is enough notice for the sleepover (not last minute when one of you is working and the other has already got the meal planned)

Hopefully the next time you don’t want to do something, you just say ‘no’ outright rather than making the situation awkward.

Shitty of you IMO.

Also, classic case of CF syndrome.

She laid down her boundaries on a situation she was reluctant to engage with and he weaponised the fact she was the step mum to make her feel unreasonable.

Christ, some of the women on here make me realise why stepmothers get a bad name.

I don’t know what idealistic world you live in, but no, he doesn’t. He is 11. He gets to be there when his dad and sm allow him to be there. It’s only his home if that is the famoly
set up.

I don’t know what idealistic world you live in, but no, he doesn’t. He is 11. He gets to be there when his dad and sm allow him to be there. It’s only his home if that is the famoly
set up.

So glad my actual experience of SC and their families is " idealistic".

I don't understand what is so problematic about looking after a couple of eleven-year-olds when you have to be at home anyway for the three-year-old. The OP has made no mention of bad behaviour. And personally, as a grandmother living in a multigenerational home I am interested in meeting my dd's friends even though she is not my own and I have next to no authority over her.

Or maybe because there are unkind stepmothers and even wicked ones??

I bet your dss was embarrased

I don’t have step children so maybe it’s easier said than done, but I always imagine that if I ever did have step children I would endeavour to love care for and treat them like my own. Or at least fairly as I would my own children.
I don’t think it would take much effort to feed an extra child, and more importantly is the message it sends to both your husband and step son. How would you feel if the tables were turned and your child was treated as such?

This.

You could have asked your DH to get pizza or burgers if you didn't want to cook for them, and weren't comfortable going to the shops with a baby in tow.

It was quite a mean and unkind attitude to take.

What I think shows OP up is that she had to feed 2 kids anyway.

She just didn't want to have to sit at the table with the 3rd.

And not having pizza is just an excuse.

I would look askance at any adult for that, never mind a SM.

Heavenly Father,
I thank you again for my wonderful stepfather of 30 years, who still takes very good care of me, my siblings and our children!
Amen 🙏🏾.

How do people live like this? You were only doing him a favour if he’s doing all that OT and keeping it all for himself. You're supposed to be a family, sharing the benefits and responsibilities of family life. He went to work, not on a jolly.

You didn’t have to cook, or drag a 3 year old out (dramatic much)… Order them something. That’s what I/ my daughter’s friend’s parents do when they have sleepovers and the adults don’t feel like cooking.

Yes, I think that's right - most people can have empathy with the child and wouldn't themselves behave Ina shitty way or otherwise take out on the child

I don't see why she should be allowed to discipline if she can't be kind to the dss. It should be balanced.

Her attitude at the beginning doesn't paint her in the nicest of lights. I wouldn't trust someone to discipline my child if they couldn't treat them fairly. And not allowing a child to feel comfortable in their own home, both of these parents should be ashamed.

I don't think the feeding was the issue. Reading between the lines. She feels taken granted of and has made the dh the go between. Creating awkward feeling on both sides but if they keep acting like kids and not modelling grown up behaviour then they have bigger problems than this instance.

I wouldn't have put the kid on the spot though.

I think it was a bit unreasonable to decide not to feed the friend on the basis thst you've never met him before and it was a sit down type of meal you had planned. What exactly were you expecting?

I think your husband's remark was completely out of order all the same, and he needs to apologise to you. It was mean spirited and hurtful, and an accusation that didn't bring the conversation forward or express what is really on his mind. Does he feel guilty that he and his son's mother split up? Does he feel guilty that he wasn't going to take care of his own child and child's friend? Don't accept being dumped on by this man. You are not there to be the proverbial cat that gets kicked when he won't deal with uncomfortable feelings.

If his own son is at his house for the weekend then he needs to be there and prioritize his child. Make that clear to him.

Yes, be kind. Yes, get a hold of anxiety over sleepovers when there's a three year old to care for too.

But the child already has a mother. He needs a father, and being present when his son is there is important.

This!

YABU!

Yes - there's nothing like having a child together for revealing why a man has ended up divorced.