To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

That's understandable but then probably not a great example to use if you don't want to include any important info which explains the situation properly. It didn't read like she was being unreasonable at first.

And I do find the general attitude of "you're coming into our family therefore you must conform to our way of doing everything" a bit off. It's just not something I can imagine my PILs behaving like.

The key info was not the recipe.

It was that in my own life and those round me (Ie; what DH’s family said to my sil) we DO respect the fact that families have ways of doing things and members joining later learn the shuffle rather than changing the music.

If I was the mother of the friend I’d have probably invited your DSS back the other way, so they weren’t a trouble to you.

so welcoming.

why couldn’t you sit at the table with the friend. Engaged in conversation. You might have learnt something!!

Did you make him have breakfast at home too?

I guess we'll agree to disagree. Changing everything yes of course but not accommodating a new member of the family at all because you have your own way of doing things and they are the newcomers seems a bit weird to me. Each to their own.

I wonder how that attitude plays out where both parents bring children from previous to the relationship. Who's joining the existing family and should therefore just fall in line in that situation?

I don't have any step children but would assume if I did have, was married to their father and was a parent to their half sibling, that I'd treat them the same as if they were mine! That it I would ask if the friend had any special diet, allergies etc and provide a meal which depending on the situation would mean all of us eating together or me eating with the youngest and the others eating together.
I feel a bit sorry for DSS to be honest having to explain to his friend he'd have to ear first. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be the same with your own dc.

I think people are being unfair to you. You didn't want a last minute sleepover but you came up with a fair compromise. I don't see the issue. Assumedly, even when your own child is older you may just want a quiet night sonetimes and not last minute plans involving feeding and entertaining their friends. If it was something planned in advance it would be different.

His attitude will definitely grow legs op is not unreasonable asking for tea to be covered at home due to pantry options DH needs to assess and adjust

Very strange to not feed the childs friend. If we have kids round we feed them and likewise if they go to a friends house. You could have popped to the corner shop and got pizzas

I’m confused about why you thought you were doing DH a favour by looking after his son? Surely even though he is is stepson he is still your son too?! You have a joint child together who is 3 so DSS has been in your life for at least 3 years. YABU (massively) by thinking you are doing DH a favour by looking after him!! You are not exactly making DSS feel welcome in his own home.
Feeding one more 11 year old isn’t a massive issue and sitting down at the table could be a lovely opportunity to get to know the other child and therefore help know your DSS a bit better. I love getting to know my DC friends.
YABU here and your DH is perfectly reasonable to be concerned that you are treating your DSS differently to how you would treat your DC.

Priority is children feeling comfortable in their own home, if you can’t facilitate this then you shouldn’t be with your husband who already has a child:

She had to feed her step son anyway, I can't see the extra hassle in putting a bit more in the pot for his friend? There's also no suggestion that she'd be the one to "entertain" an 11 year old - he's not a toddler that needs looking after.

I’m confused about why you thought you were doing DH a favour by looking after his son? Surely even though he is is stepson he is still your son too?!

🙄. Even in a non-blended family, where both partners are the actual parents, one parent looking after the other child while the other parent works/does their own thing IS doing the other parent a favour. Many parents can't work non-school/extra hours due to caring responsibilities or have to arrange paid-for childcare, so to have someone else around to take this on is a privilege.

Yes, the DH should be incredibly grateful that he has a partner who facilitates him to work by caring for his child and their joint child. And if he doesn't contribute accordingly to their joint finances, he should also be very ashamed.

The OP is not a 'default' parent for DSS, but also shouldn't be for their joint DC either. Children are not some sort of pleasant hobby that is hers and hers alone.

Probably because she was. He’s not her son, and she’s not obliged to provide childcare. That she chose to do so was indeed doing her husband a favour.

He's part of her family. Whether she likes it or not (it appears she doesn't).

I don't understand why you didn't want the extra child sitting at the table with you because you didn't know him. He is a child and couldn't you get to know him over dinner?
Sorry yes I do think you were very unreasonable not to feed him.

Maybe she didn't have any extra to put in the pot. Unless, everybody is to have less food then they need, which depending on her normal portions sizes become something ridiculously small.

Maybe 11yo's don't need entertaining but supervising at least and maybe she couldn't be assed. It's funny how all of Mumsnet have suddenly become supermums who never need a bit of downtime and don't feel like extra guests or having to go out to the shops.

She tried to compromise so DSS still had his friend over, which is the main thing. I don't see any issue at all.

Yes you were being unreasonable. And to claim you’re doing your husband a FAVOUR? What!? By caring for his son and giving him a lovely night?

poor kid

I didn’t say he wasn’t.

She’s probably got a number of children in her family that she’s also not obliged to provide childcare for. Choosing not to babysit isn’t the same thing as stating he’s not family.

I don't understand the 'you shouldn't babysit your stepson' - at 11 is it really babysitting? I was doing paid babysitting myself at 12.
Anyway, she married a man with a child. Therefore she has become part of the family. Surely it's not babysitting or whatever your own family?
I have two stepsons. I can't imagine not letting them treat their dads home as theirs too (in fact one lived with us full time so it was their principal home). And I can't imagine not feeding someone's friend.

Presumably these other children, (whoever they may be) are not part of her actual family unit who have a right to live in their father's home which she shares?

Whether they are or aren’t doesn’t matter - she’s not obliged to provide childcare to any child not her own. That she chose to do so was indeed her doing her husband a favour.

All I think when I read these threads is if DH and I split up, how would I want his new partner to treat my children? That’s what informs my answers.

The DH in these situations may be rubbish (or may not) but their inadequacies should be separate from how the child is treated.