To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

But why was it even a problem at all?

Your extended family sounds exhausting. I’m glad I’m me and not you!

It wasn’t particularly for us.

Her MIL had said it wouldn’t be ideal to take there because some of the ingredients were not suitable for dll ic the guests - in particular alcohol which wasn’t cooked off.

I find it a bit strange that apparently OP asking the child to come over after tea is the height of rudeness and yet you agree with your SILs ILs in that situation.

Mine are lovely.

SIL was being a bit determined on her own agenda but we simply accommodated.

I’m not sure you’ve read it very carefully.

Adding this would have made more sense. The previous post just made your SILs ILs sound unreasonable.

There’s a big difference between agreeing and thinking it wasn’t SIL’s place to assert herself over their way of doing things.

I'm not sure there is a huge difference tbh.

I can't imagine as a future MIL expecting any future DIL of mine to strictly adhere to our way of doing things or else and I can't imagine my own MIL being the same either. If it's down to dietary requirements then fair enough, that makes more sense, but the way it sounded initially was that they just didn't want to add her dessert to the table for the sake of it which would be weird, imo considering it takes zero effort on her ILs part to just plonk it on the table.

im not sure how relevant it was. The point was more that SIL was joining their family unit and it wasn’t for her to impose her menu choices when the existing family had a way they liked to do things. She was joining their family . Poor DH had to eat the dessert at ours. We all hated it!

It contained limoncello which lots of people find distasteful.

It was to be the main dessert. She was asked if she could bring the Christmas pudding to serve all and was insistent she wanted to bring her thing served in individual dishes ( or it changed the setting time). So awkward to add to the table,

Again I just can't imagine my own MIL being so uncompromising personally.

Poor DH had to eat the dessert at ours. We all hated it!

I can tell by this sentence that you dislike your SIL anyway so I doubt it matters.

Okay so nothing like what you originally said then.

Omg so unreasonable. Order a pizza / boil some pasta… make beans on toast. No fish fingers in freezer?

It read like she just wanted to bring an additional dessert and her MIL said no for seemingly no reason. If she was insistent that I was instead of the Christmas pudding then fair enough.

You’re not getting any medals for reading comprehension, that’s for sure!

I was absolutely secure with my role as step mum, wife and person in the home with opinions. I just didn’t believe that it was my role to be primary carer or disciplinarian to two kids who weren’t mine, and who were navigating being part of two blended families. It’s not hard to interact appropriately with children who aren’t your own, people do it all the time with nieces, nephews, children of friends etc. and are able to strike the right balance.

I also wasn’t being a doormat, the one thing that happened was a result of a big event in the mother’s life and it was clearly a cry for attention. My husband dealt with it appropriately, I didn’t need to get involved, if you call that being a doormat then so be it.

People moaning about the husband working and leaving the step child with her.... they're married!! She should be treating that child like her own! Its not his son, my son. Horrible attitude.
Poor kid just wanted a friend over. She couldn't possibly manage to go to the shop with her 3 year old to buy a pizza, how do you think other parents manage 🤣. The whole thing is quite pathetic.

It’s not hard to interact appropriately with children who aren’t your own, people do it all the time with nieces, nephews, children of friends etc. and are able to strike the right balance

It is hard to strike the right balance though when you have a partner who expects you to treat the child like your own but not when it comes to having opinions or saying no.

I imagine other parents just say no to the sleepover if they don't feel up to it.

Well you simply can’t tell because we are very close and I was her bridesmaid. We also go on mini breaks together, so you’re wading in where you have zero idea now.

She wanted to serve it because she was trying to impress them (it looks very pretty tbf and is served in champagne coupes and has layers set at different temperatures some of which are clear and others not. It is apparently very hard to pull off and she revived much acclaim for hers at the cooking course. It tastes vile if you don’t like limoncello).

As her MIL pointed out, the children couldn’t partake , it would have been a logistical nightmare transporting filled champagne coupes across there, and they all looked forward to Christmas pudding which isn’t an outrageous attitude given it was Christmas.

SIL wasnt coming from a bad place. She was desperate to impress his wider family. We simply said it is MIL hosting and if she’s indicated that won’t work well it’s counterproductive not to fit in.

Ummm … which bit?!

That’s pretty mean, are you going for the evil step mum vibe? 3 year olds can walk it’s not hard to nip to the shops and grab some things for them. Or order them a pizza. And your husbands right I doubt you would have treated your own that way, so he’s right to be annoyed that you’ve done that to his son.

Maybe you mean nothing like a conclusion you jumped to?

Of all the things I can see on here, the opinion we never seem to see is to model gracious behaviour for the sake of our kids.

You are being unreasonable for resenting an 11 year old boy. You and your partner don't seem to be on the same page. You cannot be mean towards him and expect to make decisions/punish(that's how I read the negative feedback bit), if you cannot equally give him a fair chance by doing the kind things.

And can we please stop saying the shitty thing the dad did was to leave OP to BABYSIT, the shitty thing he did was not spend time with his kid!!!

Grow up OP!! I love having kids in my home whether they are mine or my relatives or my friends. You qould have plenty to say if the shoe was on the other foot.

I wasn't the only one who "jumped" to it from what you wrote. It very much read lile they just didn't want her bringing an extra dessert. Champagne coupes and it being alcoholic and instead of a Christmas pudding all came afterwards.

Well ideally I don’t describe things that could be outing. She makes it quite a lot …