To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

If he thinks she’s being an arse to his kid then he knows where the door is.

Probably.

Oh, I disagree on all of your points, yes. You're not confused about that.

Excellent! Glad we’ve cleared that up. Do feel free to move along, unless of course there’s anything else?

This is just a perverse conclusion to avoid admitting the OP is BU.

What contorted reasoning to say she is in fact so unreasonable he ought to be showing her the door, ergo the fault is his.

Just admit: she didn’t really treat SS very inclusively in her home.

This thread and the nasty responses in support of OP, basically egging her on to be nasty to her stepson show that there are no blended families, only broken ones. It’s always the children that suffer when parents move on and start breeding with other people. That children are always left to suffer.

I’m not ‘avoiding’ admitting that she is, I genuinely don’t believe she is. He isn’t her child, and she doesn’t have to act as a parent to him.

He is the one responsible for his child. It was up to him to not marry someone that didn’t consider his child in the way he wanted them to. It’s up to him to leave now if he’s got such an issue with it.

Quite. Because after all it’s men who have all the cognitive capacity to work out what is going to be required in advance. Women are mere passive receptacles waiting to have the decision about how workable the arrangement will be and be told what it will involve because men have such foresight that we can’t even aspire to. Women couldn’t possibly take a proactive and sentient role in ensuring that parity of values before it becomes, as Katbum so flippantly described it, “ a bit late.”

This thread is just getting stupid. She was a unreasonably disobliging by refusing to eat at the table with SS and his friend.

Personally I would have given them tea, it's just one evening! Whenever I had my children friends round I always got extra things snacks and a kid friendly meal. Even the sit down meal I'd have offered if they wanted any.
I agree witg your husband, if your now 3 month old had friends round when older would you honestly say to their friends eat before you come round here? It's quite mean! Unless you cant financially afford it!

And I think this is why so many of us get frustrated when the emphasis gets shifted to paint the stepparent who, as an adult, willingly embarked upon entering the fray, as it were, as the poor little victim. They are grown adults entering into a situation which will naturally be fraught and which cuts against biological loyalties and attachments. If you love the bio parent that much then, yes, proactively sort expectations and work at getting it right. But you give as well as take in families. It’s not all about having it your way and bracing yourself to “ be nice” ( oh well done!) to the sc when you have to see it. You are joining their family, not vice versa.

What an awful thing to do. Your poor stepson and his friend. Can only imagine what friends parents thought when he was told to eat before he came over.

This. How sad.

Thats why I said "or parent". I don't think it's just men who should be required to consider this prior to marriage. It's all parents, as I stated. But go off.

To say it again, a parent has the first and foremost responsibility toward their child to ensure the person they are bringing into their child's life is in agreement with the way the parent thinks their child should be step parented.

I am NOT saying that I think it's fine for a step parent, man or woman, to be horrible to a step child. I am saying there are clearly disagreements between plenty of people as to what step parenting should entail, that much is very obvious even from reading on MN in general. Some people think it involves looking after DC like they are your own, others don't, for example.

So if you expect something to be one way in regards to the parenting of your child then yeah, I think it's on you as the parent, man or woman, to make that clear and ensure you choose someone who shares the same views.

You don't marry someone anyway and then pressure them into acting how you want them to instead. That makes you stupid, and at fault.

That still doesn’t answer why OP is somehow a victim in that she and DH hadn’t established this beforehand.

And I don’t think any pre-discussion of expectations was realistically likely to have included clarification around not sitting at a table.

To be clear I’m not actually exonerating DH. But the proclivity on these threads to want to blame the men leaves children in a vulnerable position when the SM is actually being unreasonable.

Boil some bloody pasta for the kids! Half the fun of having a sleep over is you get tea together... meany pegs.

In the same vein you’re joining your mother in law’s family when you marry her son. Does this mean you now bend your life to her needs and whims - that you are now as someone put it above an ‘interloper’ in her family? No, obviously not. And if you lived as if you were you’d be miserable. A marriage is a new family, not a rearrangement of other families which no longer exist. A sc is a close relative of your spouse. That’s it. How you choose to deal with a spouse’s relatives depends on loads of factors such as your temperament, the personalities involved, existing tensions and arrangements etc. With a mil you hopefully find a relationship with her that works for you and you compromise where it’s needed and hopefully both of you are happy. Same with a sc. It’s a given that with a child you are likely going to need to compromise more - but really it’s the bio parent who should be doing the biggest share of compromising and taking additional caring loads as they are the one bringing the needy relative to their new relationship.

I'm not saying she's a victim necessarily. Just that I imagine, especially from her response, that her husband is much to blame for the way she's feeling and reacts to these situations and that it wouldn't surprise me if he's a bit bullyish when it comes to his son which is exactly how it reads to me. Do what I say or I'll emotionally blackmail you is not reasonable behaviour and I suspect a lot of people would tire of it too. Yes yes "don't take it out on the kids" but then we obviously disagree that she did anything terrible anyway so not much else to say.

This thread and the nasty responses in support of OP, basically egging her on to be nasty to her stepson show that there are no blended families, only broken ones. It’s always the children that suffer when parents move on and start breeding with other people. That children are always left to suffer.

Happily I don't agree with this. It's not always the case.

I'm closely related to some 'blended ' families. And have seen adults ( both sexes ) putting in a massive effort to make it work for the kids involved and It's paid off. Looks hard work though. Much more challenging than with bio kids only.

The adults in this scenario seem rubbish. No one's making much of an effort at all.

Well I think cactusmactus summed it up beautifully: “ meany pegs.”

Part of the problem seems to be that so many 'blended' families centre around a fairly inadequate man who should probably never have had children with one woman, let alone two.

I’m not sure that analogy is on all fours with the child example. When you marry you are creating a new household of independent adults. That isn’t the case with SCs. Moreover, on the whole, to a large extent it’s for exactly the reason that you ARE joing a new family that I think in extended family situations MILs should get a bit more respect than they do. On several of these threads re Christmas dinner at MILs etc Ive been of the opinion DIL shouldn’t wade in and try to disrupt the status quo but rather accept she has joined a family who do things a certain way. The quid pro quo is DH should do that re her side of the family too. My SIL ( DH’s sister not brothers wife) had a massive tantrum once about her IL’s having Christmas dinner at a time that clashed with her dcs nap. She also wanted to prepare a dessert to contribute that they said would not be much appreciated ( she’d learnt it at a Cheffy course and it was her go-to, but inappropriate). Her mum ( so my MIL), my FIL, my DH and his sibling ( and I) were all of the opinion she was out of order not respecting the traditions of her DH’s Christmas celebrations ( though we let her bring the bloody dessert to ours in the evening🙄. And her DH ate it uncomplainingly because he was with us).

And who think with a body part that isn’t brain

She offered to make a pudding and you all turned your nose up at it? Why not just say thank you and gratefully add it to the table alongside the other dessert?

I wouldn't stay with a man like that I have standards and self respect. If there are issues in a relationship you don't take it out on the kids no ifs or buts

We didn’t: we had it.