To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

All this ‘you knew what you signed up for’ from people who are not stepparents I assume. No. I didn’t. The variables with step kids who are very much individual people with their own quirks and needs, exes, different values and rules, different approaches to education and discipline, managing your own kids, managing spouse’s guilt and dysfunction with their kid, dealing with acting out of dsc etc etc are not always clear in advance.

Should step parents treat SC badly? No of course not. But peoples definition of treating them badly varies wildy, this situation a prime example. So surely it is then up to the parent to ensure they marry someone who shares their expectations of how a step parent should act with their child.

Obviously you don't expect someone to be cruel. But if you want someone to treat a child like their own and, for example, be able to go off and leave them to look after your children or whatever else then you need to make that clear and marry someone who thinks the same way as you. If you don't care enough to ensure your partner thinks the same way as you do in terms of what being a step parent entails, because clearly no one agrees what is and isnt the "correct" way, then yeah that kind of is on you.

Bit late now.

My 12 yr old daughter was invited to a last minute sleepover just yesterday.

My first question was ' are they feeding you or shall I make dinner'

I didn't and don't assume a sleepover indicates dinner and I always ask

As it happens they were having a family dinner first and so I fed my daughter before she went. I don't feel the slightest bit put out and my daughter didn't care either

Don't overthink this part of the story. The real issue here is you and your partners difference of opinions on how his child fits in with the family

This is it for me - if I behaved like this it would cause my DH to look at me differently. His idea of me is as someone who shares his values with regards to the behaviours and morals we model to our children - how we treat guests is a big signifier of those values and the way we want to world to see us as individuals and as a family. If I behaved this churlishly towards either of my children, if I hosted any of our/their friends, neighbours, unexpected guests in this way, he would be utterly embarrassed (esp for our kids), ashamed of me, and it would cause cracks in our relationship. He would question whether I was the person he thought I was and, possibly, whether he could still love me.

That may seem dramatic, but my husband would be mortified. And, to give context, he would show the same hospitality toward the kids’ friends/my friends/neighbour drop ins if I was out/away. I’d feel disgussted with him if I heard he had behaved this way. It’s not about abusing OP’s position as free childcare (FFS!), or feminism, it’s about decency.

Thus she said as she peeled the small dog off her bum.

I should have used a cat in the analogy shouldn’t I!

My DSD goes to dance class with a little girl who lives in our estate. Rather than both of us hanging around for 45 mins until they finish we've started taking turns at taking them and collecting them. One will take them then the other will collect later. The girls are dropped off about an hour before so they can play together before class. I always check if the other mum wants me to feed DSD before I drop her off or if she'll get dinner there. If she said to me "actually, do you mind feeding her as I don't have much in, need to do a big shop", I honestly wouldn't bat an eyelid. Been there, end of the month when the big shop is due and we're trying to use up the last of what's in the cupboard. Our arrangement is obviously with prior notice and the little girl isn't a fussy eater so will eat similar things to DSD. Last minute with a child she doesn't know, I can't blame OP for preferring they were fed before coming. I honestly can't imagine ever being offended at having to feed my child before going to someone else's house.

DSD has another friend who goes to the same dance class. Usually her mum takes her but there's been a few occasions where her mum's been working late and her dad has asked if I'd mind taking her. Her dad works evenings so will usually drop her off around 5pm on the way to work. This is usually a last minute arrangement. I'll always ask if she's had her dinner and she usually has. Although I would figure something out, I am relieved that she's been fed as she's really fussy and doesn't eat the same as DSD so I end up having to make two meals after the long slog of "will you eat this, what about this?", while she stands and shakes her head at everything and ends up with toast.

I'd love to live the lives of some of the people on MN where the cupboards are always full, including food the family doesn't eat but other people's children who visit a few times a year do. Must be nice to never have to budget and to always have money available for takeaway.

I’m not sure this thread is really about food.

Exactly. I honestly wouldn't be bothered at all about being asked to feed my child before a sleepover. I wouldn't then assume that they will not be offered drinks or snacks while there and will be made to feel unwelcome.

Some people need to untwist their knickers and put the phone down to social services.

No it's about a SM being asked to parent then having her decisions while parenting critisised by her OH. It's about a man picking and choosing when and how his partner parents. Having no respect for her as a parent but expecting her to look after his child because it's suits him.

I don't think OP has been unreasonable at all. It may not have been what OH would have done but he wasn't there. If he's leaving her to watch his child he needs to allow her to do it as she sees fit, unless of course there's a safety issue. And SSs friends having pizza at his own house instead of OPs is hardly a safety issue or abusive like some PPs have made out.

No one seems to know what it's about.

One minute it's not about the food or the sleepover and then the next it is solely about the sleepover and this particular situation and no one is able to comment on anything else, like the husband, because it's not what the thread is about.

I absolutely don’t think they should treat them as their own. I’d say it should be more of an “auntie” type relationship. Thats what’s worked for me in any case. My husband wouldn’t have expected me to look after his kids when he was supposed to be spending time with them, but if something came up and I was asked to/happy to I’d have made it a nice experience for them. We had them overnight regularly, took them on many holidays, and any disciplining was done by their dad.

Well exactly. He doesn't like the way OP does things he can come home and do them. Which is exactly the reply she'd get if this were a nuclear family set up.

But surely if you are expecting someone to look after your child for you then that person should be able to do so in the manner they see fit whilst you're not around (safety issues aside)?

You can't reasonably expect someone to look after your kid but do it the exact way you want it. Not unless you're paying them I guess.

Many sleep overs over the years. A pain in the arse tbh. But lots of things are with kids.

Sometimes people do say " can u feed them " first. Very occasionally .

But I wouldn't assume it was because because the adult in charge didn't want to sit with my child as well, whilst she fed the other two.

You say step parents shouldnt treat DSC like their own and should be more like an auntie figure. Can you imagine an "auntie" looking after their niece or nephew for the evening whilst their parent worked and then being guilt tripped into facilitating a sleepover they didn't want to do? It wouldn't happen.

Does their reasoning matter? How would you even know what their reasons were?

I'm going to go ahead and assume that OP didn't say 'Tell your friend to eat first because I don't want to sit with him'.

One minute it's not about the food or the sleepover and then the next it is solely about the sleepover and this particular situation and no one is able to comment on anything else, like the husband, because it's not what the thread is about.

Oh stop it.

You've also commented on all the strands of this argument yourself.

Stop criticising everyone else for having an opinion when it's different to yours.

What's the problem? I'm saying no one seems to agree what the actual issue is about. Which is true. Stop it yourself.

*Does their reasoning matter? How would you even know what their reasons were?

I'm going to go ahead and assume that OP didn't say 'Tell your friend to eat first because I don't want to sit with him'.*

*Does their reasoning matter? How would you even know what their reasons were?

I'm going to go ahead and assume that OP didn't say 'Tell your friend to eat first because I don't want to sit with him'.*

I'm assuming that too.

But the reasoning ( that we're party to ) gives a lot of insight to the general hostility of the atmosphere.

And I've commented on all the strands of that argument because I personally think it is all relevant. I don't think asking a friend to eat tea first is a big thing or an issue like lots of posters have made it out to be. And I do believe that the husband is likely to blame if there are deeper issues of OP not enjoying step parenting her DSS.

What's the problem? I'm saying no one seems to agree what the actual issue is about. Which is true. Stop it yourself.

It's exactly the drama you've complained about tbh.

Not seeing the drama personally but sure OK.

You’ve become very upset about the comment about the DH not being the issue here. The point of that comment was to break the analysis into chunks in order that OP’s stance - which is after all what she posted about- was not obscured in a squid-ink haze of ranting about misogyny.

FWIW I’ve not been left with a great impression of DH. However, that is a bit beside the point, which is that OP posted asking Aibu for declining to feed the guest of her ds essentially on the basis that she didn’t fancy sitting at a table with him. Not because she couldn’t afford to buy food or any of the other hypothetical things that have been thrown in from the sidelines by posters.

In short, that was unreasonable.