To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

Erm no, what I mean is get a bit of perspective.

Yeah it's fine to say it's not what you'd do and you don't think it was great but fuck me, all that happened was a child had a sleepover after his friend had tea at home instead.

It's not emotional abuse or causing a child suffering or heartbreaking or the reason for strain on mental health services. People need to get a serious grip.

People keep saying this but no, marrying a parent doesn’t in fact oblige you to take on parental responsibilities which may or may not include childcare. That is something someone can choose to do, but they absolutely do not have to.

What ‘the child comes as part of the package’ practically entails is open to interpretation, clearly, and it doesn’t automatically mean ‘must provide childcare’ (and yes, looking after someone else’s kid is indeed childcare). It’s up to the parent to not date someone unwilling to take on that responsibility if they consider that to be important to them.

With that comes some level of responsibility

And yet that "responsibility" clearly doesn't include being able to put in place her own boundaries or say no on occasion.

Not emotional abuse. Just mean and unreasonable.

I won't go into how stepmums should parent because I have always thought it was the hardest job in the world., hence why I would never do it. But even if you are not a stepmum, just feed the kids in your house if at all possible.

So we're in agreement then that whether you think this is unreasonable or not, posters have been overwhelming dramatic about this whole thing?

I can't take anyone seriously who refers to a situation so benign as having a friend eat tea before going for a last min sleepover as emotional abuse or any of the other ridiculous replies on here.

Lot of drama on both sides, I agree, with posters referring to dishing up some pasta as internalised misogyny and "women's work". Feeding a play date daily, yes. But the occasional meal is not a hill I would choose to die on.

My DC are grown, so maybe I am missing play dates!

I wouldn't get into how a step parent should parent either and I have tried throughout the thread to avoid doing so because I think it's such a personal thing and is different from family to family. I do think it's stupid to act as though there is one single way a step parent should act or responsibilities they should take on. Each family will require different approaches due to the people involved.

But there is no way its acceptable to expect someone to treat a child like their own only when you want them to or in the way you want them to. That is the opposite of treating a child like your own and I do think the husbands behaviour has a lot to answer for in explaining why the OP feels the way she does.

People will say "oh but you shouldn't take it out on a child" but again, I guess this is where the difference comes in as I don't see what hardship the child really suffered. He still got his sleepover which was the main point. His friend just came after tea time. Hardly suffering.

In all families, blended or otherwise, looking after children and cooking are chores that are the responsibility of both parents to different degrees.

Problems arise when one partner feels entitled to assume that the other partner is "default" and will do these chores, for free and without any reciprocation, while they waltz off on projects of their own.

I don't blame the OP for being pissed off although ideally this would have been targeted at her OH.

*Erm no, what I mean is get a bit of perspective.

Yeah it's fine to say it's not what you'd do and you don't think it was great but fuck me, all that happened was a child had a sleepover after his friend had tea at home instead.

It's not emotional abuse or causing a child suffering or heartbreaking or the reason for strain on mental health services. People need to get a serious grip.*

Nah it's not Gazah. Of course it isn't . No one died.

You can be as reductive as you like but it's what the OP is about.

Should I have fed them?

( emotional abuse, child suffering, heartbreak or MH services aside and you're using that as a distraction. It's really you who should be getting a grip there. )

OP looks like a twat because she didn't.

When I refereed to misogyny earlier in the thread I wasn't doing so because I think serving up a plate of pasta is hard or womens work.

I was saying it because the husbands inappropriate and unreasonable behaviour gets glossed over time and time again on these types of threads, as it has for much of this thread. And when you point that out you get stupid replies like "well the husband didn't post a thread" as if that would make a difference on any other subject matter. It's the same on every thread like this. Husband acts like a twat to his wife in regards to his kids, wife ends up resenting the situation but she's the one who's blamed because won't someone think of the children and she's evil and just a horrible person and so on. In reality he has likely caused this whole mess in the first place.

In reality he has likely caused this whole mess in the first place.

Never disputed this.

Don't take it out on the kids.

That logic is like criminals blaming the police for not catching them.

The issue is that when stepparents join a family they need to be sensitive around the fact that they are stepping into an existing dynamic which for children isn’t “just” a relationship it is easy for them to decide is not to their liking or is toxic or they’d rather go NC: their family life is pretty much the nucleus and mainstay of their whole world. And this at a time when they are busily forming their whole sense of self-esteem and worth and are unbelievably impressionable about their place in the world. So yes, I don’t doubt being a stepparent is a somewhat invidious position and sometimes feels like higher standards are required than of the bio parent. You do need to be careful about doling out the criticism and generous about the welcoming and continuing to make room for them in their bio parent’s life. And the fact that the bio parent may not be up to scratch doesn’t suddenly give all the adults in the situation a leave pass to let the child’s world go tits up. Children are incredibly vulnerable in these blended family situations. That isn’t to say they can’t work ( and they do sometimes ) ; but it requires enormous awareness on the part of the adults and, unfortunately as the “ interloper” or person who is threatening the balance of their world, the sp will have to tread extra carefully. The arrival of an outsider into the family unit has always been a viscerally alarming prospect for most children, one which cuts against the grain of what feels natural for them - which is why so many fairy tales have stepparents cast in the same role as other threats to their safety and well-being - usually a wolf.

What suffering did he experience?

We can go around in circles as to whether we agree it's unreasonable to ask a sleepover guest to eat dinner before coming last minute to stay. I don't think it is, you do. Whatever.

What I think is stupid is how much of a big deal posters are acting like it is. It really isn't a huge thing. The child had a sleepover with his friend that he likely enjoyed. He didn't suffer, no one was heartbroken. Whether you agree or not that a sleepover guest should be fed is one thing, the height of dramatics on this thread over it really is another.

What suffering did he experience?

I wouldn't be calling it suffering tbh.

I don't think it's a particularly friendly environment when the 'adult' doesn't want to sit with your friend at the table aged 11. Or feed them.

Bad vibes and underlying hostility.

So don't treat them like your own then?

I'm not saying I disagree, but your description is not that of someone treating a child like their own.

We can go around in circles as to whether we agree it's unreasonable to ask a sleepover guest to eat dinner before coming last minute to stay. I don't think it is, you do. Whatever.

Exactly. Agreed.

What I think is stupid is how much of a big deal posters are acting like it is. It really isn't a huge thing.

But you've already agreed some posters don't think that.

The child had a sleepover with his friend that he likely enjoyed. He didn't suffer, no one was heartbroken.

Tbh you don't know how HE felt. Or what the atmosphere was like.

Whether you agree or not that a sleepover guest should be fed is one thing, the height of dramatics on this thread over it really is another.

I'm pretty sure you've brought a massive part of the drama.

I mean you can’t just enter the room, plonk yourself down in the nearest chair, squashing the small dog who was already sitting there in the process and then say “well they should have moved it off the chair shouldn’t they “ - which is sort of analogous to what the “ blame the bio parent” logic is suggesting.

How have I been dramatic by consistently pointing out how undramatic the situation is?

The people I've responded to in the main have been those wailing about MH services and emotional abuse. Which I'm glad we agree is fucking daft.

But you've already agreed some posters don't think that

And yet 90% of the replies are that dramatic.

And yet 90% of the replies are that dramatic.

Totally disagree.

It would put an unbearable strain on our marriage and I don’t know that we would survive it, if I’m being honest.

Agree to disagree then I guess 🤷‍♀️

Has it occurred to you then, that perhaps you oughtn’t to have married him?

I generally hate strange children and any sort of entertaining but I think you were VVU.