To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

That's down to the bio parent. Why would they choose to stay with someone who treated their child like that. But of course it's all the SMs fault.

@Illpickthatup well of course it’s down to the bio parent. Unfortunately however that doesn’t make the experience any better or less damaging, for the child.

I think that's awful behaviour from an adult
I'd never invite a child for sleepovers without feeding them
You must be pleased with yourself for making that child feel unwelcome
Awful behaviour

Your DH could have done lots to make the sleepover easier for you. How much notice did you have?

He could have picked up extra groceries and maybe a treat item for you all to share.

Your DH could have left some money to pay for a takeaway perhaps?

It seems like your DH left it to you, rather than finding a way to support you and his DC. That's not great.

Your "problem" is with your DH. Your DSC has been caught in the middle and that's not fair.

But in OPs case it doesn't sound like she's just being mean and hates her stepchild. It sounds like she's tried her best and her OH has thrown it back in her face. She can be a parent to him when it suits her OH but only on his terms.

Parents who never say no to their kids and constantly bend over backwards for them are doing them a disservice. They're going to get a shock when they go into the real world and realise that the world doesn't revolve around them.

I’m not mean to her. So please don’t project. I just don’t think of her as my child. I’m sorry your stepmother was mean. I am friendly and have fun with my SD, I just don’t do the heavy lifting.m

Heavy lifting isn't ordering a pizza. OP wasn't very friendly to these kids ( she didn't want to sit at a table with a strange 11 yr old )
Very passive aggressive.

OP didn’t want a sleep over - something most parents who love their kids can empathize with. The avoiding a meal thing only came about because she feels unable to be assertive about her needs with a DH who is nasty and emotionally manipulative to her if she doesn’t go along with his demands for his son.

I can't stand how hypocritical posters are about this subject. It's glaringly obvious to anyone who bothers to actually look. And how on every other subject on MN men's behaviour doesn't go unchecked, except when it's a blended family and then no one comments and are "in total agreement" with arseholey men

Arsehole Dad wasn't there. Annoyingly to OP was left on her own. She was put out.
She would have been feeding 2 kids . But she wasn't going to feed 3 and She didn't want to sit with the 3rd child. So passive aggressive to 2nd child as it's his mate.

So Dad's an arsehole ( I'm not arguing this either way ) . Don't take it out on the kids.

The avoiding a meal thing only came about because she feels unable to be assertive about her needs with a DH who is nasty and emotionally manipulative to her if she doesn’t go along with his demands for his son.

Shame for the 11 year old eh.

I have been a SC. Do you know what? It’s remarkably easy as a SC to project all your feelings about the situation on to your SP. It’s also remarkably easy to hold your SM responsible for what are actually your father’s shortcomings and to mistake her setting perfectly reasonable boundaries as something horrible.

Even more so when all the adults around you are just as keen for the SM to fulfill this scapegoat function. Especially your parents who benefit most from you blaming the SM rather than them.

I could spin a tale about my awful SM who set boundaries for her home and didn’t just let me stay whenever etc. but the truth is, my dad simply didn’t ever bother to make sure he could house his children. He moved in to his partner’s flat and took no responsibility for anything.

If the father wanted something for his 11 year old… maybe he should have actually done more than expect his wife to do it for him.

why do we hold SM more responsible than parents?

A shame that he has an abusive dad? Yeah, it really is.

*If the father wanted something for his 11 year old… maybe he should have actually done more than expect his wife to do it for him.

why do we hold SM more responsible than parents?*

Since between them they couldn't produce a bit of pizza it's remains a shame for the 11 year old.

A shame that he has an abusive dad? Yeah, it really is.

Well yeah. It's a shame all round. He's the 11 year old.

His dad is pissing his SM off.
His SM is making her point.
What a shit situation to be a kid in.

I'd reserve judgement on 'abusive ' tbh.

Stunned by some of the replies. OP is the SAHP, DH is working. It’s irrelevant whether the 11yo is a bio child or a step child - the responsibility for ensuring the safety and wellbeing of all minors falls to the parent at home. My DH had nothing to do with arrangements and practicalities of playdates/sleep overs. It was her job to manage this, or ask guest child’s parents if they could rearrange to another night if she felt she wasn’t up to it in DH’s absence.

From a simple standpoint of common courtesy and hospitality, it is unfathomable to me that anyone would treat a guest child this way or embarrass their own child/step child this way - you offer food/snacks/drinks and engage with them like a decent human being. Any issues you have with DH, you deal with in private.

The OP’s behaviour is utterly despicable and as the parent of the other child, I’d be limiting contact with her. I had a (bio) parent who behaved like this and it meant, over time, I wasn’t invited to friends’ houses because of just such behaviour. That poor stepchild has my sympathy, being step-parented by such a bitch.

awful awful awful. feed the bloody child.

jeez if strangers kids turned up i would feed them. they can eat in the garden if they want.

it's a child. put your adult issues away for the sake of a meal ffs

From a simple standpoint of common courtesy and hospitality, it is unfathomable to me that anyone would treat a guest child this way or embarrass their own child/step child this way - you offer food/snacks/drinks and engage with them like a decent human being. Any issues you have with DH, you deal with in private.

This. All DC in my house were fed the same. Mine and any they happened to bring along to play with. Maybe it would just be pasta with a jar sauce, but they were fed.

spot on.

I reluctantly agree - I'd never not feed a child in my house if we were eating. They'd get the same as us.

But it does sound as if the "DH" needs a kick up the arse. He can't waltz out to overtime and ignore his responsibilities.

A very balanced post

That’s exactly the problem.

I feel like PPs have just whipped each other up as the thread has gone on to see who can faint the hardest over a child having tea at home before going to stay at a friend's house.

It's quite funny. The replies just get more and more dramatic as it goes on.

No one died, the kid still had his sleepover 😂

I suppose its a good thing that this is the height of suffering posters experience in their lives.

By that logic no one can ever have a thread about anything because there are children being blown up in Gaza.

It's really terrible people here are actually saying your husband is in the wrong, you're not "built in childcare" are you lot alright? OP has been in a relationship with this man for a minimum of 4 years, probably more like 5 or 6, she's been around since the boy was around 6 or earlier. What a nasty way to act towards your step son and his friend. You knew what you signed up for, a man with a child. With that comes some level of responsibility. The fact you have a daughter together makes it all the much worse, as you clearly see yourselves as a family unit but his son is a spare part. Send the boys to the shop to get a pizza. Most dinners don't take any more time to serve for an extra person bar preparing a bit of chicken or whatever you were planning? It's one night. It's a sleepover. It's food on a table to feed a child. It's at most (unless your husband ALWAYS is out and you ALWAYS have to look after his son which wouldnt be ideal even if it were your own child) a bit of a eye roll and an okay, just this once! I'm not feeling very well DSS so keep the noise down and you two can pop to the shops to grab dinner. Best behaviour or we won't be doing sleepovers again! Or for me personally, it would be a "what time would he be coming over? No worries I'll put dinner on. I'll let you 2 eat at the table I'm watching some telly!", offer some drinks, snacks, whatever. Like I would for any guest. Like I would offer a stranger if the situation allowed it. Some people are such an unattractive combination of lazy, nasty, and selfish. Yes, you're being unreasonable.

Waiting for the next poster to say how they spent the evening in tears reading this thread at the poor boys "suffering".