To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

DH will never accept or listen to any criticism or opinion that isn't 100% positive. It seems I'm only able or expected to treat DSS as my own when it's something DH or DSS wants, anything else and it's not my business or I'm just being horrid because he's not mine.

I’ve got two DSCs, now grown up, and criticise them to their dad is something I would never, ever have done - even when they went through a difficult spell as teenagers and some slightly nasty and untrue things were said about me - I understood where it had come from (a situation with their mum) and was supportive. They did not ask to be part of a blended family and I saw it as my job to make sure they felt loved and valued as members of our family. I actually enjoyed not having to worry about being the one to have to discipline or do the serious side of parenting with them. I’m glad for the child that your DH doesn’t listen to anything negative about them from you. It’s not your place and he’s being protective of his child.

If we needed clearer evidence that, for all the rhetoric about how women must treat the SC like they are their own (and put themselves out at all times acting as nanny for their DH/P and his ex), no one actually believes they should treat them as their own.

Never being able to criticise the behaviour of his children? It’s not your place to have any opinion on this. Urgh.

The major problem in blended families is the parent of the SC in so many cases. And that so many people think it’s absolutely fine for parents to treat new partners like this.

@chucklechucky It’s pretty obvious that this isn’t about the dinner. You didn’t want to have to host a sleepover but were guilted into it. Your DH should have arranged it for when he’s not working.

Then you don't get to expect a atep parent to parent then if they aren't allowed to discipline or put their own boundaries in place when they are the ones left to look after the children.

It's so hypocritical to expect someone to treat your DC "like their own" but not actually like their own because what you mean is "only for the good stuff".

So OP can never complain about anything a teen may do? Never say DSS has been peeing on the toilet seat can you speak to him please? DSS has started being a bit disrespectful or whatever else the gripe may be?

Expecting your partner who lives with you to never say anything slightly critical or negative about your child is not expecting them to treat your DC like their own.

You want someone to treat your kids like their own that includes everything. The good stuff, the bad stuff, the moaning, the discussing of bad behaviour etc etc. You don't get to have it both ways.

Oh and just accepting when the other parent doesn't want to do something like a sleepover when you're not even there. Instead of having the audacity of expecting them to look after the DC by themselves and have no say over what happens whilst they do.

If the DH wants things done exactly how he wants them done then he can come home and do them. Or, he can do what every other parent does and let the parent in charge when he's not there say yes or no to these things.

Agree. Next time be firm in your 'no' rather than being passive aggressive and not feeding a child.

Entirely with your husband here. What were you thinking? I agree it sounds like scoring points on the back of children. Grim.

Let's be honest OP would never have been badgered into agreeing to the sleepover in the first place if the child wasn't a step child and was her own. The DH would have just left it to OP to deal with.

This whole situation arose precisely because DH doesn't want or let her treat the son like her own (which includes being free to say no!)

And I'm still yet to hear a valid reason why asking the friend to come over after tea time is the worst thing in the world to be honest or why it will result in both children becoming a strain on MH services in the future.

You're entirely with the husband. So you think it's okay to badger your wife into agreeing to something she doesn't want to do when you're not there?

Ew.

it was petty and unkind. Could you have not just ordered a take out pizza, or just had dinner with the kid? I can’t ever imagine a scenario where I would have asked kid to feed themselves before coming over. A bit of flexibility is needed with kids. I haven’t read all the responses, but I can guarantee if it was child not stepchild you wouldn’t have done this.

@Dundundun10 From what I read it in the first post it was the step son who invited his friend over and the husband pointed out that she should feed him. Which I agree with.

FWIW I think if you have decided to marry someone with children you need to treat them as if it is their home and work with that. Including welcoming their friends. I have no idea why an extra child was so hard, I’ve always found it easier when they have a friend to entertain them.

Her second post (when the vote didn’t go her way) suddenly started claiming the husband pressured her, that is not in the first post.

Pretty typical hyperbole on mn.

That it’s a stepchild - who the OP is expected to be constantly positive about and always convenient to her partner - makes all the difference.

The having to sort dinner was the straw that broke the camel’s back here - the OP was nagged and guilted into doing a sleepover while the child’s father wasn’t there. At short notice presumably, as otherwise there’d be frozen pizza in the freezer ready for it.

When it’s your own child, you just say no to inconvenient sleepovers. But it’s a SC so she’s not been allowed to say no and is expected to get on with it and absolutely never complain.

Are you a stepmum? Have you been in the SMs you're slating situation? Poured your heart and soul into stepkids only to have it thrown back in your face. Used as a babysitter but your opinion doesn't count in your own home. Being spoken to like shit by stepkids and their father does nothing because he doesn't want to upset the kids. Having your plans cancelled because the ex's plans are more important and dad plays the "my kids come first" card. Having your bio kids question why they can't stay up to all hours because dad refuses to set a bedtime for the stepkids. Constantly feeling like everything you say or do is twisted and reported back to the kids mum.

Maybe walk in the shoes of some of the SMs who deal with this bullshit on the daily then come back and tell everyone about how welcoming you are, how you love your SKs like you're own and of course they can have friends over anytime.

This isn’t making the point you think it is. Would you like a medal for admitting you were insecure in your position as a step mum, a wife and a person in the home with a mind of her own and the right to opinions?

By all means be a doormat and let people tell lies about you but don’t drag other women down with you. And definitely don’t pretend you were treating them like your own.

I’m sorry your husband didn’t respect you but it’s not OP’s problem.

She never clarified who the guilt tripping came from in the OP, just that she'd been guilt tripped. And then in the second post confirmed it was her husband and he already knew she didn't want to do the sleepover in the first place.

I don't think we can assume OPs are lying simply because they clarify things in a later post that dont fit your opinion.

Goodness it takes very little effort to look after two 11 yo and one dc3. You clearly don't regard your home as your dss's home but it is. If you get together with someone with dcs, you need to accept it's their home too. You could have popped to the shops to get a pizza. I don't blame your dp for being annoyed with you. I think you have been selfish and unkind to your dss.

Providing he accepts that if he's going to work when his child is there then what OP says goes? Oh wait...

And definitely don’t pretend you were treating them like your own

It's laughable.

I treated them like my own, I just never complained about ANYTHING they did or my husband would be mad at me.

@Dundundun10 I’m not assuming she’s lying, I’m assuming she’s exaggerating to turn the thread around which is pretty typical of mn.

Which I'm assuming you wouldn't do if the update had been to your liking or fitted with your opinion? Which is typical of MN.

FWIW I think if you have decided to marry someone with children you need to treat them as if it is their home and work with that. Including welcoming their friends.

Do your children just decide they’re having a sleepover - or do you actually get a say in this as their parent?

For some reason people seem to think that SM’s marriage vows say ‘and I will be a doormat who simply accommodates you and your children’s every whim and gets no say in anything at all.

I regularly tell my DS that he can’t have a bloody sleepover. This is his home. Yes. He’s always welcome here. But a gaggle of teenage boys overnight is a pain in the arse.

Somehow because the OP is a SM she’s not allowed to just say no to this stuff. It’s depressing. Even more so when the child’s parent isn’t even there.

What are you wittering on about. You’re way too invested in this thread, shouting down any poster who disagrees, it’s odd.

Crack on, I’m off this one.

Yes yabu

you are annoyed with your dh and taking it out on your dss and his friend

There's been plenty of posters on the other side who've been over invested in the thread too so I'm good.

I can't stand how hypocritical posters are about this subject. It's glaringly obvious to anyone who bothers to actually look. And how on every other subject on MN men's behaviour doesn't go unchecked, except when it's a blended family and then no one comments and are "in total agreement" with arseholey men.

I’m not mean to her. So please don’t project. I just don’t think of her as my child. I’m sorry your stepmother was mean. I am friendly and have fun with my SD, I just don’t do the heavy lifting.

@Illpickthatup have you ever been a step child? Had a step mum who makes it clear that it’s her home and not yours? Been shown on every visit that you are in no way as important as the other children? No? Perhaps YOU need to walk in those shoes before you advise anyone else.