To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

But then the babysitter probably wouldn’t tbe casting about for peculiar excuses not to as they wouldn’t be feeling threatened or resentful of DS being legitimised as a valued member in their own home. There would be no need to remind him that it wasn’t his home but rather OPs and that she can call the shots.

Honestly, I just don't understand this thread at all.

To be fair, we are not at sleepover age yet, but we have friends over. I always feed them, regardlessof the time of day. They always eat it. They have hollow legs.

I have a freezer drawer with ikea sausages and rolls, mini pizzas, large pizzas, chicken burgers, cocktail sausages, popcorn chicken and nuggets and French fries for this type of occasion. No hassle. Happy boys. I keep micro popcorn for the same reason. They make some stuff themselves and they are 7/8!

Even if I knew they had eaten dinner, I would be planning for snacking.

I do this because my dc likes to entertain and when you do, you feed them.

This all just sounds so cold. Like you do not regard your house as the home of dss. Horrible.

You need to get this "doing dh a favour" by looking after his child out of your head.
This child is family and while he is under your roof then gets treated exactly the same as any children that arr biologically yours.
I've been put in situation where kids want to come over and I don't want it but do it but always say have proper food at your own house and ill provide the junk fun food if you don't have extra for the person or not want to go out etc
Your husband is right and you are being mean.
Just think of one day your child being treated like this by the step mum when your husbands had enough of you treating his son inferior

Wow, your DH is right on this one!!!

I can’t imagine thinking like this

I thought how bizarre behaviour why would anyone want to embarass their kid like this..then i read that the son is your stepson. If you are keeping a tight tab on the favours you are doing to your partner over watching his kid- why bother just say no altogether its lesser embarassing for him.

personally if you got together with your oartner you must have known he came with a oackage and its not the kids fault adults want to play happy blended families- couldnt you have ordered them a pizza or ask the child to ask his dad to do it?

My thoughts as well. And popcorn never goes to waste no matter how much of it we buy!

I don’t think it’s that much of a big deal really you just tell the kid to come at 7.30 or something and surely they’ll have had tea. However I don’t understand why you’d have to shop for pizza with a 3 year old when you have a husband there at home. Surely he can go to the shop or look after the 3 year old or is the issue that he doesn’t pull his weight at all? When you say you didn’t want to have a ‘sit down meal’ with the friend I’m imaging a 5 course banquet!

This thread is so sad. Some people have a fucking nerve calling themselves a "blended family" in one breath and then referring to looking after their step-children as "babysitting" or "free childcare" in the next. Nothing "family" about that attitude at all.

I don't think you were being unreasonable because the fact is your husband wasn't even there to help you. You have your 3 year old to lool after aswel which can be a right handful!
But couldn't you have ordered a pizza for delivery? That's what i would've done and then just stay out of their way if you couldn't be bothered. I don't think your husband should be giving you a hard time though he can make tea himself next time and call his sons mates round whilst you go out for a leisurely trip .

@chucklechucky I'd really like to know what the sit down meal was?

Try to imagine if or more likely when your ds
has a step mother. And he comes home from dad's and step mum did this. Not so nice is it. Lord knows being a step mother isn't easy but this was straight up mean. I'd be very embarrassed

If that's DH attitude I wouldn't babysit for him again 🤷‍♀️

Re the ‘Dh didn’t offer to pay for a takeaway’ it sounds like finances are separate. So you’re parenting his child while he works overtime and he’s the only one who benefits from his overtime? That wouldn’t wash in my book.

I hear you on the double standards - you’re only expected to parent his child in the sense that you should do stuff he and dss want for dss rather than you are allowed to have an actual opinion.

I am not a step parent but was in one growing up so always thought any children a partner had would be part of them so it would be a automatic thing they were around so I would do whatever I needed to do for that child or children

I would not see it like 'babysitting' or ít is your child you deal with it' the child/ren are there I do what would have to be done, they are not puppets that just pop when I feel like it

I think some step parents have this control thing which I think is terrible when used with children, sure if your partner is not helping you have a partner issue not a child issue, same way I think there is tug of war with IL's or new vs ex partners with some people I do think new partners do it with children and it is awful

sure I would never think a child is totally my own child and try and replace their parents but they are there so I would treat them with respect

Honestly, could you not just have had some pizza’s delivered? Saved the fuss.

I read once right here on Mumsnet that there’s a good chance your daughter will one day be the stepchild, @chucklechucky— how would you feel if her stepmother treated her the same way you’re treating your stepson?
Not great, I’ll bet. Not great at all.
It wouldn’t kill you to be kind. But it might get paid back in karma to your innocent, sweet little daughter.
Not so funny, is it. Wasn’t a question.

Why were you waiting for your DH to offer to pay for a takeaway (assuming finances are separate)? I would have just told him that, since there weren't any snacks in the house for the boys, he needed either to pop out and get some before work or order in for the boys. Or I would have ordered myself and said "you owe me £20".

And I get you on the food - I wouldn't offer two 11 year olds the same as my toddler. My toddler would be happy with beans/scrambled eggs or a couple of fish fingers, but that's meagre fare for two older boys.

Is the real problem seems to that you are facilitating him doing overtime and not benefiting from it financially?

I think this is complicated. At first I thought YWBU. Then you posted that ‘not surprisingly’, or words to this effect, DH knew how you were feeling but did not offer to pay for a takeaway.

WOW. This is his DC and his DC’s friend. It would be great if you were one big happy family, but that assumes joint finances. It is beyond the pale that he expects you to host own your own time and money when the whole point of shared custody is that this should be his time (and money). I feel sorry for your DSS but YANBU.

@Katbum you have a lot to say about being a “step mum” but you have, very clearly, never been a step child. My spineless fuckwit of a father married a woman who thought like you. Not totally like you, I don’t think she went into it thinking it would be lovely, I think she went into it working out how to get rid of us in the most efficient way possible. She showed us, very clearly that is was HER home, not ours, and that her children took total priority. As a child, it was simply awful.
And yes, when it comes down to it, it is my dads fault for marrying such an unpleasant person, but I do sometimes still wonder how on earth she could have been so utterly unkind to any child, never mind those that are supposed to be family, even if it is only by marriage?
Having experienced that myself (I have been NC with them for years) I took the absolute opposite approach with my own step daughter. I was very aware that in fact, my home WAS her home and I made that fact clear. She’s an adult now and we all have a very strong relationship. Your step child will not be a child forever. And you are right, children are not thick, she will never forget how you treated her.

Jesus , I never realised having your step child who probably has set times every week or so with his dad and step mother would be called HOSTING. I mean really!! Isn’t it just called normal family time ?

You sound mad.

Step children come as a package when you marry their parent. I don't see what the big deal is with feeding another child. You don't need to haul everyone to the shop to buy pizza, what's wrong with feeding them whatever your making for yourself? Beans on toast or jacket spuds are hardly a massive chore. You sound really mean and selfish.

Imagine referring to looking after an 11 year old as ‘babysitting’. Like are you going to be changing his nappy or what? You don’t even do anything for him expect be in the same house and give dinner. Some people are just plain mean.
The dh here has gone to do overtime to benefit the family and I can see how disingenuous it’ll be to then spend on take away but surely, if there was nothing at home, the first thing I’ll think about is ask dh to get quick meal from the shops before going out or something before suggesting what you did. I feed people who come to my house and even those I don’t know as much in church etc when needed, that’s just empathy really.

Imagine referring to looking after an 11 year old as ‘babysitting’. Like are you going to be changing his nappy or what?

Imagine it! Astonishing. I can’t believe a single other poster on this site has ever thought “Wonder if I can get a babysitter for the kids?” after they’re out of nappies. It’s unthinkable!