To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

But here it's all "yes he's a dick but you just have to put up with it and do as he says for the children"

No you got that wrong @Dundundun10

"He's a dick deal with HIM "

2nd best to who? Her child is 3. You have no idea what the sleepover rules will be when her child is 11.

2nd best to anyone.

And how do you deal with him (I guess short of LTB) without removing yourself from the situation he's giving you shit over in the first place which is looking after his son?

Surely the most reasonable answer to that is "DH, if you are going to work whilst DSS is here I will do as I see fit in terms of looking after him which may involve saying no or placing certain conditions on things, like sleepovers. If you don't like that, you are welcome to come home and deal with the situation yourself".

It's very clear that posters want OP to just do it for DSS's sake, despite her husband being a cunt. It's always the way.

The boy wasn't abused. He even had the pissing sleepover for goodness sake!

Yes I'm asking who is he being treated 2nd best to?

I assumed the implications was that he's been treated 2nd best to her child which is a nonsensical argument given that her child has never been in this situation.

I think if i was in that situation and there wasn't enough food for another child in the fridge, i'd suggest that my partner gets them a takeaway or cooks for them or goes shopping for pizzas or something along those lines. I would want to be welcoming, wouldn't have an issue to have tea with a random 11 yr old, at the same time wouldn't want to be rushing to the shops with a small child and making extra effort..

And how do you deal with him (I guess short of LTB) without removing yourself from the situation he's giving you shit over in the first place which is looking after his son?

Err you wait till the child is not there.

You don't make your point by treating the child like that. And yeah I think it was pretty small minded.

Yes I'm asking who is he being treated 2nd best to?

Her other child. I don't think OP would show the equivalent lack of generosity to her own child weather it's regarding a sleepover in the future or something else now.

Clearly not everyone agrees that asking a last min sleepover guest to eat tea before coming to you is something to act like the world has ended over. So I don't think OP particularly treated the child like "that". It's a matter of opinion I suppose.

But again, even if OP had happily skipped off to buy snacks for them and waited until DH was home to say right unless you let me do what I see fit I'm not looking after DSS again, posters would still have a problem. You've seen it loads on here, it's not a favour, it's not childcare, it's just what you do blah blah. So she apparently can't even stop looking after him either? Again what do you do other than leave or put up with it then?

Anyway going round in circles. We'll never agree.

Ah you think. OK.

So we can't comment on the husband because he's not written his own post but we can comment on what we think OP will do in 8 years time and base opinions on that.

I hate comments on mn on being peoples childcare etc- I know two stepfamilies, and that kind of thinking just creates even more division- you’re either a family or you’re not.

*Ah you think. OK.

So we can't comment on the husband because he's not written his own post but we can comment on what we think OP will do in 8 years time and base opinions o*n that.

Just because you've got your back up about the DH writing his own post is irrelevant to me.

I'm not talking about 8 years time. I'm talking about generally. OP is happy to make DSS feel 2nd best because she's pissed with his father.

The adult who is present gets to do the 'serving' so if it were her DH I would expect him to do it, However, he wasn't there. She was

YABU, seriously you couldn’t feed another mouth? pretty certain they wouldn’t have needed a fancy tea. Pizza, beans on toast, chippy tea. Not much to ask.

But again, even if OP had happily skipped off to buy snacks for them and waited until DH was home to say right unless you let me do what I see fit I'm not looking after DSS again, posters would still have a problem. You've seen it loads on here, it's not a favour, it's not childcare, it's just what you do blah blah. So she apparently can't even stop looking after him either? Again what do you do other than leave or put up with it then?

If OP had " happily skipped off to buy snacks " or just ordered a pizza for the 11 year old there wouldn't be the OP saying was IBU?
And yeah she was.

You're still projecting her OH problem as a good reason for acting like a dick to her DSS.

If she wanted to make her point why not get dick OH to pay for pizza. Rather she made her point by making it awkward for DSS.

I would not have done this - you’re having a disagreement with DH and you’ve put your DSS and his friend in the middle of it.

I would be appalled at the lack of hospitality if I were the friend’s parent and be disinclined to invite your DSS back. Poor boys. You should have simply offered to reschedule rather than be a surly host.

Knew this was going to be a post about a step child before I even opened it :(

Exactly this. When the OPs youngest has friends over, will she not keep an eye on his friends, ensure he is safe, happy, fed/watered, made to feel comfortable in the home for the duration of the stay? Not sure why it would be any different with older boy, unless he has behaviour issues or additional needs she doesn't feel capable of dealing with.

This is where my head is. Your behaviour is just weird to me. I would let them ring for a pizza and eat it gaming, or watching a film or whatever. They don't need to becatca table with you at all. They would probably prefer not to be.

They are so easy at that age. Chuck them some food and leave alone. It really seems like you do not view your home as also being dss'. It is shitty of you. That is his home. Why make him unwelcome?

Which kind of says what we’re all thinking - and is why we aren’t letting the blame DH/ misogyny argument derail the issue. Many stepparents marry into an existing family then whinge about the fact the children are a non negotiable aspect , and seek to justify inching them progressively out of the frame.

“Fuck me, why on earth did you get into a relationship with a man who already had a child if you didn't want to involve yourself in his family? Millions of childless men out there and you choose to make this childs life a misery, yay for you!!”

This. I think your behaviour was really mean, OP. How would you feel if - in 8 years’ time - your child was on the receiving end of such treatment?

Really mean.

And if I was the child's parents I'd think you were mean and a bit weird.

So I guess we have moved on from #BeKind and are now focusing on #AssertYourBoundaries

Never mind the " not my child , not my responsibility "' brigade If it was the paid for babysitter refusing to feed the friend I'd think it was mean.

My DD5 has autism and obviously severe social deficits come as parcel of the diagnosis but I would relish the day I could have friends of hers over for dinner with her….

YABVU OP