To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

No, it really is just you.

"We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met. "

Just an observation that this says something about the state of society when it's unheard of to have someone you don't know sitting at a table and eating together... not picking on OP here but is this where parts of society have got to now? If so what a huge shame... it's such a warm and community thing to do and a way to get to know and connect with people!

@chiwwy Eh?

If this is the first time op has done something like this then absolutely but usually people with the mindset of my stepchild isn't my problem its usually a recurring issue

And it always gets hauled out when their primary argument isn’t getting much traction.

Im a great believer in women and in wonen’s rights but we are better than needing to duck out of confronting the real issues by bandying about the misogyny word where it isn’t relevant.

But then posters also think she should never refuse to provide "childcare" (or whatever you want to call it). So what do you do? Put up with it? Never get to have an opinion or say no to things but also don't "take it out on the child" by removing yourself from the situation and not looking after him at all if DH doesn't like the way you do it?

The solution on these threads is always the same, put up with it for the step children, doesn't matter if the husband is being a twat, just put up and shut up for the kids or you're a big meanie.

But my question is WHY does OP feel like that (if she does). It seems from her second post that her husbands behaviour has a lot to do with why she's feeling like that in the first place. So where's the rage for him? Oh yeah sorry I forgot he's not posted his own MN thread so we can't possibly comment.

You ‘love preparing little snack platters when my DCs have friends round’ but not every woman does.

And that’s ok.

If it was a last minute, completely unplanned, put on the spot sleepover it was not unreasonable to say come after teatime. They've asked for a sleepover, that's what they got.

I would want time to get my head together, tidy up, sort out the sleeping arrangements/bedding etc, rather than have two excitable kids getting under my feet and also having to do tea aswell.

For something planned and arranged in advance I would get everything ready early then make tea for the extra child too.

@chiwwy Right, and a what point did I say all women should love doing that too?

If you’re going to choose a statement to take issue with, ‘you can post on Mumsnet to find out opinions without having to agree with any of them’ is a weird one to go for.

And actually this is the one sentence in the op which really gets me ..
"Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine"...
I mean the conversation was had with DSS and was told to tell his friend he couldn't come over for tea. I can imagine he asked why!? What did you tell him? That you didn't want a stranger sat at the table with you and you CBA doing another portion. Poor kid.

So it's not the same situation then is it.

If you'd been told your child needed tea before going to the sleepover and didn't do so and then acted aggrieved he didn't have tea then you'd be the idiot. But that's not what happened so 🤷‍♀️

The rage for him should be coming from her. If she is choosing to put up with him and have a family with him then punishing the children because the adults are unhappy is wrong

I honestly think your behaviour is absolutely shocking and I feel very sad for your DSS.

That's your step-son. You married a man with a child, and you should have been prepared to take that child on, love him and care for him as your own, or you should have chosen a man without a child. You're not "babysitting".

Why do you not want to know the friend of your own step-son??

My son is nearly 11. Send those boys to me, I'll order them a dominos, set up a floor picnic and enjoy the sounds of them having fun together as young boys should. Send them home with some memories.

Seriously, what a miserable old meanie.

It’s this constant expectation that women should want to be nurturing every child around (like a school friend) and lovingly preparing platters of snacks that’s annoying. Men aren’t expected to do it to the same extent.

I’m not sure it is where society has got to. I have never before heard a disinclination to sit at a table with a friend of a family member being a thing before.

No loving snacks needed. Even beans on toast would do. Miserable all round.

Precisely. And I’m really not sure how that analysis is so elusive for some.

A few posters are probably like that.
I'm not. I never ever look after my stepson. My oh knows better than to ask. 🤣. I would obviously in an emergency.
So, yes, she has a dh problem.
But on this occasion the kids will have known she had an issue with it. Her whole wording of the op is just odd and feels uncaring.
So for that reason I think she ibu. Take it up with the dad at another time....

The rage for him should be coming from her. If she is choosing to put up with him and have a family with him then punishing the children because the adults are unhappy is wrong

This. DH might be the biggest dick going but why she making her DSS feel so 2nd best?

What’s the big deal about feeding an extra 11 year old who you don’t know? I’m sure they wouldn’t have expected you to entertain them, so who cares if you know them or not? If you get together with someone who already has children it should be expected that you will be looking after them on your own occasionally and try and make them feel as at home as possible.

And yet I can picture the responses now if this were a nuclear set up.

"Tell DH you're going out and leave him with the kids"

"Tell DH he's not to work OT again if he doesn't like the way you do things he can do it himself LOL HIGHFIVE".

"Tell DH he can get home and cook himself if he thinks DC should be having a friend round so much, he doesn't get to tell you what to do when he's not there!"

But here it's all "yes he's a dick but you just have to put up with it and do as he says for the children"

It's all so hypocritical.

You were unreasonable. Sorry.

2nd best to who? Her child is 3. You have no idea what the sleepover rules will be when her child is 11.