To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

What’s legally enforceable is the bottom line. Anything beyond that, including what constitutes decent, depends very much on the individuals involved.

Agreed. I also think your husband is right and if it was your own child's friend it'd be a different story. I cannot imagine a scenario where I'd not feed sc and thier friend.

Kids are not thick. They obviously realise you love your own children more than a child who is not yours. This is very normal. That doesn’t mean my own kids are ‘more important and loved’ as my dsd has two parents to whom she is loved and cherished as a child should be. I am more a friend role. This is not emotional abuse.

By saying no to a sleepover one time? Or asking a friend to eat at home before coming last minute to sleepover? Do you never say no to your own child or place conditions on what they can do every now and then?

I've had a long day/don't feel great/just want to chill/got to be up early/whatever so Harry can come until 6pm but he'll have to go home before we have dinner instead of staying over this time, as an example. That's EMOTIONAL ABUSE?

Or is it only that in this case because the child in question is a step?

So you don't think a parent making a child feel unwelcome in their own home and making it obvious their sibling is more loved/wanted/important isn't emotional abuse

Indeed it does. Very much so it would seem.

This isn't about a sleepover it's about the amount of stepmums on this site who aren't willing to do anything for their stepchildren and repeatedly prioritising their biological children its wrong their children

Are you doing him a favour caring for his other child (that would be your darling child) when he is working?

And yet posters would be very quick to say what a favour the DSS's mother would be doing the father if she were to have had him, her own child, whilst he worked. Something you see pretty often here. Funny.

Do your kids feel unwelcome in their home when you say no to them? Do your kids experience emotional abuse when you give more attention to the younger ones because they are at more needy developmental stages? No. So nor is it emotional abuse for OP to say no to sc and prioritise the needs of a 3 yo above an 11 yo.

Get real. Would you ever tell your child to tell their friend they can’t expect a meal at your house? If so, you have a complete lack of etiquette. It’s poor manners to behave like this with a guest or act out your resentments on completely innocent children. I think you know that this is not just telling “Harry” his friend cant come to play today 🙄

You know this isn't about a sleepover

@Dundundun10 Thank you .

The whole thread is very dramatic .

The OP's partner is significant enough in her life that they live together and have a child together. His child from a previous relationship obviously feels at home enough to invite a friend . Why not just feed them .

That doesn't mean slaving over a 3 course meal . A plate of spag Bol , couple of fish fingers and some chips in the oven even a couple of sandwiches and some cheese and fruit would suffice .

If getting to the shop is such a chore , you have a range of delivery apps at your finger tips who will bring a pizza in no time .

Ofcourse it's different if your DP takes the piss and disappears every time his child is due at your house and leaves you to babysit .

But this is about a sleepover. We haven't been told this is a regular occurrence or that the child is never allowed a sleepover, ever. This is one time we know of so to go on about emotional abuse is absolute hyperbole.

Yes it appears the DH may suspect OP wouldn't do X Y or Z for her own child but he also sounds a bit shit in general doesn't he? Expecting OP to parent but not really parent, just do what he wants. I'm not sure I trust his take that she'd never do this for her own child, what he likely means is that he wants her to do this for his child in this particular way and if she doesn't agree he'll whip out the ole emotional blackmail of "you wouldn't say that if it were OUR DC, you're evil, you hate my child" blah blah.

Why exactly might you not have fed the friend? How very unwelcoming. Can't imagine what you might have been thinking.

When your own child is old enough to be in the same position, would you not feed their friend?

One of the reasons I kept on good terms with my early (and later) teens children was that I welcomed their friends all the time.

No, "what constitutes decent" is usually pretty unanimous.

No, it’s about op sm trying to have a sense of control over her own home and life. Been there and it was a nightmare. She didn’t want to host the sleepover and when her DH wouldn’t take no for an answered she died on the hill of ‘no dinner.’ That was silly. She should have refused to do the sleepover. But also, it’s not the end of the world to feed your own kid before they sleep at someone’s house. Hopefully OP can now be clear with her DH that on his access days, he is in charge.

Yeah and usually involves the woman bending over backwards to accommodate everyone’s needs and getting shafted. The attitude to stepmothers on mumsnet is a prime example.

It's not just about op it's about other women on this thread who don't see why they should do anything for their stepchildren and only have an interest in their biological children. Could you imagine being a child growing up in an environment like that

The 3 yo needs were not at issue here. It was the 11yo sleepover and op didn’t want to sit at a table with the friend. And children have needs st every age: they are just different but not less important.

Lol, were that the case there wouldn’t be anywhere near the amount of stepparent threads for people to wring their hands over.

I really don't see a massive problem with asking for a child to have tea before coming to a last minute sleepover no. Sorry my etiquette isn't up to the MN standard of putting on a picnic spread whenever my kid deigns to inform me his mates coming round last min.

I'll make sure to bob in Waitrose next time lest their parents thing I'm bizarre.

That's messed up. That kids parents now think you're rude. As you are. You should have just said no to the sleepover.

I don’t get this thread at all. Feed the kid’s friend…. Big deal. It’s a slice of pizza or some pasta. I would genuinely be delighted that your step child feels comfortable enough with you to have a friend over. This is a child we’re talking about. A child! How depressing.

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. You'd planned dinner and couldn't get out to buy more food. DSS needs to give more notice next time and his DF needs to be there too

you have a range of delivery apps at your finger tips who will bring a pizza in no time

Unless there is a drip feed that her husband doesn't possess hands then I'm assuming he also owns fingertips that could have ordered a pizza after pressuring his wife into something he knew she didn't want to do. Just a thought.