To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

Nah, you were rude. If you don’t want to do it then say no. Don’t say yes and be a moody cow about it.

its not the responsibility of a father’s new wife to parent his kids; or to make up for the hurt of a parental break up; or to treat his children as her own. Yes, it’s often the expectation, but not one My husband had or he would not have married me. As the legal parent, that’s on him.

Indeed.

Christ - you chose the perfect MN handle for you.

And yes I am a stepparent.

Exactly. They are either your kid, or they’re not. And most of the time, they’re not. OP needs to have words with her husband to be clear HIS contact time, HIS kid, HIS responsibility.

Feeding them would have probably taken less time than the argument, I feed kids I don't care whose they are or the connection it's simple to me really

It's not unreasonable in itself....I mean I wouldn't have a problem sitting down to eat with a guest child but having a last minute sleepover and not having enough food is fair enough.

but to turn this into a step child issue and doing DH a favour that's unreasonable.

Yeah well if this is what you want as a parent then you need to not be a massive hypocrite about it and actually let your spouse y'know....parent. Which involves being able to say no on occasion without having the parent who isn't even there go off on you about it.

All this could have been avoided if the husband just let his wife parent how she saw fit when he wasn't even there and stopped going on at her about a sleepover she clearly didn't feel like doing that night.

The same wife who's apparently good enough to leave your kid with whilst you aren't around when you should be.

Wow. You really travel light.

Don't pressure someone into something they clearly don't want to do and then expect them to be joyous whilst doing it. The husband could have just accepted his wife's initial no and not been a dick about it and none of this would have happened. But obviously can't put any blame on him of course!

Why? The actual father doesn’t have a problem with it, and she’s not somehow more responsible for his child than he is.

The issue is between op and her husband an innocent child shouldn't be dragged into it and felt unwanted in his own home. No wonder kids are growing up so screwed up now a days and why mh services are so stretched. This is literally emotional abuse towards a child and all the women on here taking op side is absolutely disgusting

You seem to have absorbed sexist ideas about gender roles and who is entitled to have agency in a relationship. If you birth/sire a child, unless you sign over your rights, you are legally obliged to do certain things, such as clothe, feed, keep
them safe, provide a standard of education etc. If you marry someone with a child, you do not have any rights or responsibility to that child. If as the legal parent you get married the rights and responsibilities remain yours, and your life remains yours to have agency over. This means you are not required to parent your spouse’s child and the marriage can remain happy and in tact if your spouse doesn’t expect you to be a surrogate parent.

So many poor children caught in a web of adults thinking of themselves.

Lol. It’s emotional abuse to refuse a sleep over? Better tell my mum, who had a no sleepover rule…

🎻🎻🎻🎻

Your violins, ma’am.

Not really no. I have my own kids, a full
time job and elderly parents who I care for. Not adding to that by taking on burdens of care that aren’t mine. Sorry it makes you mad.

His friend had tea at his own house before coming and sleeping over. Why are we talking about MH services?

Emotional abuse. I've heard everything now. Listen to yourself and stop being so ridiculous. ABUSE?! To have a friend eat their tea at home before coming for a last minute sleepover? Get a grip.

I think posters are not talking about what’s legally enforceable 🐈‍⬛bum: it’s about what’s decent.

No its emotional abuse to not make a child feel welcome in their own home and make it obvious that their sibling comes first and is more important and loved

YABU

You have bigger issues than sleepovers. It’s clear from the way you’ve worded your message you see your stepchild as not part of your family unit - made clear by your statement “already doing him a favour” It’s not as if your partner was out socialising - he was working OT presumably to improve family finances. Are you doing him a favour caring for his other child (that would be your darling child) when he is working? Unless your partner opts to always work when the stepchild is there I don’t think it should be seen as doing something extra, it’s just part of the blended family thing.

As for the sleepover - if you can say hand on heart you would knock back your own child’s friend for tea if your partner was not on hand to help then fine, you are not unreasonable, but you would have been better to fob off until a weekend when your partner was there as tea is usually part of sleepover fun and you frankly look stingy and mean spirited.

Your partner obviously thinks you already make a difference between the kids - if he has noticed you can bet your ass an 11yo will know.

I think it was petty to refuse to feed the child - if you're feeding two children what difference does one more make?

I agree it’s not the responsibility of a new wife to parent her husband’s child or make up for the hurt of a parental break up (why would it be unless you were an OW and then it would be on both of your consciences?), but a father who marries a woman, gives her the title stepmother, knowing she doesn’t give a shit about his child and is only just nice to her when she visits his home which the SM insists is categorically not his child’s as well, is a shit one IMO.

What would you do if if your SC had to or wanted to live full time with her Dad @Katbum?

I think it’s a bit mean to ask the child to eat before he joins you as it’s generally accepted that if you have a sleep over you arrive for the evening meal too. If you’d had the boy over for the day and then asked your DSS to let him know he couldn’t stay for tea that would have been fine but to ask him to arrive after an evening meal seems odd.