To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

I wouldn't be surprised if OPs OH is a bit of a Disney dad and DSS isn't used to being told no. That seems to be the case since after being told no he went on to guilt trip her into letting his friend sleepover. She's probably tired from spending all day with a toddler and relented for an easy life rather than listening to DSS continue with the guilt trip and then moping about. She's probably suspected that causing her DSS to be upset by not letting him have what he wanted would result in grief from her OH who would never dream of not letting his DS have whatever he wanted.

Presumably because she married a parent, given that it’s literally all it takes to become one.

clearly not everyone believes it’s a responsibility, moral or otherwise, to take on any form of parental role. Again, if a parent wants a partner that will take on that role it’s up to them to not date and marry someone that doesn’t.

I think the way you say “ when she’s in my home “ kind of encapsulates where people find your approach a bit off. If it’s where her dad lives, she’s entitled to see it as her home too. Any other interpretation makes you the interloper cuckoo pushing the baby bird from its own family.

I feel for your stepson, he must feel unwelcome. The wicked stepmother springs to mind.

It’s not her home in my eyes, no. Her home is her mum’s house. I used to think I had to be a ‘mum’ figure but since I realised she is not my child, my relationship with everyone involved has improved.

One SM to another - I think you were being unreasonable. I get not treating DSS as you would your own child, I have a 15 year old DSS and a 4 year old DD. DSS lives with us, he is part of my family, he is my daughters most beloved brother, but he isn't my child. And he is by far the oldest, he is the first child I've been involved in parenting in any way (and of course I parent him, he lives with us, I have to drive him around and fetch him from school and listen to his endless questions about which toe I would be if I had to be one.... because he's a crazy teen) and because he is the first child I've made loads of mistakes just like you do with your own children and I've learnt from them so I won't make them with DD.
But despite all of that, he is my family, so if he wanted friends over I'd facilitate it, even if I had to drag DD to the shop and park outside whilst he ran in to grab some oven pizzas. It's not a hill to die on (and Im saying that as advice, I've made the mistake of dying on the wrong hill with a teen and it doesn't end well). It's ok that you don't treat him like your own child, but you should treat him like a child that you love, that is part of your family, that is your DD's most beloved big brother.

That's a disgusting way to behave to a child. Yabvu.

That is your dss home why are you being so horrible. He's a child

Her home is her mum’s house. She’s my family by marriage. Maybe her parents should have stayed together if they wanted her to have a nuclear family dynamic. Not my fault they didn’t; not my responsibility to rectify it!

@katbum, no it's her home too as her dad and sibling lives there. Like it or not. Being "nice" doesn't cut it I'm afraid, I'm nice to the strangers in the street. she's your family.

I cannot think of 1 single occasion when I visited homes in various countries and have not been offered drink and food. Not once! Not even in the poorest of circumstances. It is the basic rule of hospitality.

Incredibly rude not to feed the other child. And, sadly, your DSS must have felt awful because of it.

I don't see the issue with the boys making some noise.
In a couple of years you will start play dates /sleepovers for your DD. You will witness real noises. There's nothing louder than girls.
Having children around you making noise is actually really nice I think. Sign of youth and energy and happiness.

I

And maybe you shouldn't of got in a relationship with a man who has children if that's your mindset

Absolutely mortified for you. Lousy behaviour.

This always gets said on these threads.

No, he isn't entitled to have a friend for tea unless he has permission to have a friend for tea. Like every other young child.

It's a silly argument. Do you never say "no not tonight Timmy" to your DC? Or are they simply allowed to tell you that Harry is coming over and you don't get to agree or disagree?

Sure it's nice for DC to have friends over but it's not an entitlement in the sense they don't need permission from the adult in the home.

And it's not unreasonable for that adult to occasionally say no. And no one would think it were if we weren't talking about a step child here. Obviously.

OP wasn't even very nice to this child, step mum or not.

If he's 11 he'll be aware.

Thanks for your perspective. I’ll be sure to live my life according to the views of someone who has no idea about anyone involved or our set up.

Maybe he shouldn’t have got in a relationship with (and married) me if he wanted a replacement mother for his child. Again. Not my responsibility.

You have a three year old not a three day old why couldn’t you have gone to the shop?

This. What a very unpleasant way to behave towards a child.

Op , was the "random" 11 year old allowed a drink during his stay ?

What about using your bathroom ?

Did you also refuse to make him a bed to sleep in ?

Grow up . You sound like hard work .

Not a replacement mother a bonus one. If your in a serious relationship and living with someone, you should be treating his children like your own, not playing favourites. You need to remember they are children and are completely innocent in all this

Is everyone reading the same thread as me?

OPs DH decides to work on what should be the contact time for HIM to see HIS son. He expects OP to do the childcare and host a sleepover.

Those saying she should be like a parent, she isn’t allowed to (I knew this would be the case). DH won’t allow her to discipline/moan/have an opinion on DSS unless it’s ‘positive’. Not allowed to moan he’s peed all over the loo seat/hasn’t brought his washing down/left a mess for OP to clear up.

Like fuck would I be doing sleepovers/meals/whatever if my role as a stepparent was to bend over backwards to facilitate someone when I’m not allowed to behave as a parent at other times.

If its all no issue to have a random child stay over and be fed, why couldn't dss stay at the friends, seeing as his dad wasn't there?

So dramatic.

Yeah YABU

It’s not a big deal to feed a guest as a one off. It’s an unkind and unfriendly thing to do to children, and very poor modelling for them.

Being a step parent is like being an involved aunt - would you behave like that with your nephew and his mate? I doubt it, and if you did you’d be wrong there too.