To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

but I’d say it a safe bet that actually you’ve just apparently become aware that not everyone shares your opinion/organizes their family to your liking.

Well I think that was clear in the OP. Welcome to MN.

😳

Cool, except the OP is not being nice to him in his own home. He’s perfectly entitled to have a friend home for tea. To make a child at such a vulnerable age (friends are very important at that stage) have to do OP’s dirty work is not good whether you’re a step parent or not.

Doesn’t mean you can’t have nice relationships, just means you also don’t have the same legal and moral duties to them.

Does that extend to getting a pizza delivered? Because that would have been " a nice relationship".

Yes, you acted like a bit of a twat. Either say no, or do it when his dad is available, or you do it properly. They’d have been perfectly happy with a simple family dinner or beans on toast or something. Pizza is irrelevant. Instead you have made both children feel unwelcome and like an inconvenience. Hopefully they didn’t notice, but yes it’s odd. Usually eating tea together is part of the fun.

You say that, yet despite the fact that these types of threads appear on a weekly basis, people still seem surprised at the concept.

You make him sound less like a child and more like a BullyXL

So tight, I have my sons 13 year old mates round lots
I'm z feeder, love them eating at ours,
A bowl of pasta! Costs nothing.
You look mean here and the boys parent won't return the favour now. What's your problem???

You sound miserable

You say that, yet despite the fact that these types of threads appear on a weekly basis, people still seem surprised at the concept.

No that's called disagreeing.

YABVU, selfish, hostile and unkind, modelling meanness and inhospitability - remember your own child is watching you and will learn to treat others from what they see. I would say the stepmothers on here can't be real, but I've seen similar cruelty in real life. Maybe think about how you'll want your child to be treated by their dad's new partner a few years from now.

You sound really unwelcoming and inhospitable.
How difficult would it really have been to shove on an extra portion of pasta or something?
I feel quite sad for your stepson; he must have been quite embarrassed and I’d imagine his friends parents thought it rather strange that you wouldn’t offer their son a meal.

“Surprised” was an interesting choice of word

There's so many double standards when it comes to step-parenting.

Treat them like you're own but don't dare discipline them or have an opinion on their upbringing. Love them like your own child but don't overstep. You're a parent but you're not a parent, they have a mum and dad.

It sounds like a lot of this is going on in OPs home. She's expected to be a parent when her OH is busy but she's not listened to when she expressed concerns about anything. She's expected to treat DSS as her own but then her OH puts limitations on what she's actually allowed to be involved with.

It's no wonder OP feels like childcare rather than her DSSs actual parent. I bet if she stood her ground and refused the sleepover her OH would have had a go at her for that too.

Yeah. Agreeing to host the friend was a bit daft. If you don’t actually want to host the friend would have made more sense to say ‘no.’ I wouldn’t have agreed to host without DH there because kids that age with friends over is just constant boundary enforcement and managing boundaries with other people’s children is stressful. But we live and learn.

How awful. Why did you marry someone who already had a child if this is how you feel? Shame on your DH as well, only a shitty, selfish dad would marry someone who was so cold towards their DC.

Swap it out for ‘flabbergasted’ if you’ve prefer.

Whatever the word used to express the sentiment, you would think there’d come a point where you’d familiarize yourself with the notion.

Exactly this. We had all of this and it was horrible. I have now told DH ‘your kid. I’m not getting involved in any parenting like tasks or discipline or childcare’ and our home is so much more peaceful. Now if DSD is allowed to stay up to midnight and kicks off the next day cos she’s tired I leave it to DH to manage. Zen and the art of stepmothering! 😂😂

What's the big deal if you're already making dinner? I think you were being a bit mean.

Tbh I think you're a bit unreasonable. If you didn't want to do childcare for DSS/the friend, that's one thing, but I'd feed and provide snacks for any child in my house.

In your situation, I would have asked your OH to order a takeaway for the two boys, given it's really him you had the beef with not the kids.

You agreed to the sleepover then made dh have an awkward conversation.

If dh sprung the sleepover on you then ywnbu but it was your choice then you landed dh with sounding unwelcoming.

You should have said no, and you will need to learn to do that otherwise you will be constantly agreeing to things you dont want to do and resenting dss/dh.

I would have said "not tonight, what about next week so dad is here too and we can get some snacks in"

Not nice

I wonder why on earth you qualify yourself a ‘stepmother’ then @Katbum. If you call yourself a stepmother then you should be a mother figure to your SC not just someone who’s ‘nice to her in your home’ surely? You do have a moral responsibility at least for any child in your home, is it not her home too when she’s there?

Why go into partnership via marrying someone who already had a child if you feel you have no responsibility to them at all?

I thought it would be easy and lovely
to be a stepmother. As it turns out it’s appalling - expectations, double standards, all the blame none of the power. Here’s an example: my dsd’s mother does not believe in vaccination and I have a baby, there’s a measles outbreak in our area. A child in dsd’s school has measles. It’s very stressful and the only way to cope sometimes is opting out. I’m a mum to my own kids. I’m my husband’s wife. I am kind to my stepchild but don’t take any responsibility for parenting her.

I really can't see what your issue is?,as for saying you don't want another child in the house to look after-11 year old don't need watching as such,they tend to entertain themselves.It seems you were being an arse for the sake of it.
I can see why your hubby would be pissed off.