To have said I wasn't going to feed them?

[chucklechucky]

This happened last weekend but only had chance to post.

Last Saturday I ended up looking after DSS 11 by myself when DH had to work overtime. We also have a 3 year old together.

DSS had asked for a friend to sleep over which to be honest I wasn't keen on as I was by myself and could have done without another child in the house when DH wasnt there but I reluctantly agreed after a bit of guilt tripping!

I did say to DH though that if DSS's friend was staying then he would have to have tea at his own home first and come after that as I didn't want to have to feed him as well (the friend). We didn't have any pizzas to chuck in unless I dragged a 3 year old to the shop for one and what I'd planned to cook was more of a sit at the table kind of meal which I didn't want to have to do with DSS's friend, who I've never met.

Dh seemed a bit put out by this and was making comments like "you wouldn't say that if it was DC3s friend when they are older".

We ended up getting into a little bit of an argument and I basically said he either eats before he comes or he doesn't come. Dh did end up speaking to DSS who asked his friend to have tea first. Friend did so, came over, and they were fine (if not a little loud and had to be told a few times to keep it down once it was late).

Things with me and DH were tense the next day.

Was I being unreasonable? I felt I was doing DH a favour as it was, and then another on top having DSS's friend over when he wasn't there and I just cba cooking tea for another person on top of that too and having to have a sit down meal with a random 11 year old I didn't know.

I don't see how it's a big deal to just simply ask a friend to have tea before coming over. Aibu?

Someone that didn’t consider themselves your kid’s other mother, and was kind enough to provide childcare when their father was unavailable? Can’t see the problem tbh.

Someone that didn’t consider themselves your kid’s other mother, and was kind enough to provide childcare when their father was unavailable? Can’t see the problem tbh.

I meant you @InterIgnis tbh

I will never understand why people like you marry people who already have children.

YABU. Your home is also your DSS's home and he should be able to have friends over to it on occasion without his step mother treating them like vermin.

And all the "your DH needs to arrange childcare" BS in this thread... was he supposed to hire a sitter to come to the house while OP was home? Or not work?

"Hosting" ? Come on you could have ordered a pizza and charged it to your husband if you felt so strongly. I ended up with 2 teenage stepchildren and found that pizza in the freezer is a must.

Are you saying that you fed your SS though?

You aren't being unreasonable to expect your DH to step up and help facilitate his child's sleepover but you come across super weird that you can't 'sit down meal with an 11-year old you barely know', did you expect a formal introduction with his parents?

Part of the fun of sleepovers is spending the evening at your friend's house and joining in with what their family does.

I bet it was very embarrassing for your DH or his son to have to qualify the invitation to the sleepover with "but we are not feeding you"

Did you at least have snacks for them? Make them breakfast in the morning?

Why didn't you ask your DH to grab a pizza ahead of the sleepover, or order a take away one for them if you couldn't stand the idea of serving your home cooked meal to the friend.

I’ve yet to see anyone on Mumsnet manage to present it as an attractive proposition, so I shall pass.

The same applies.

Are you actually alright?

as far as I’m aware I haven’t stepped into the twilight zone where my statement is in fact untrue, so yes.

Well I think I have stepped into the twilight zone where fully grown adults think this is an acceptable way to think about/treat a child.

you should have told dh ‘yes I’d be different with DC as it’s my child. DSS is not my child.’ I in fact do tell my DH this when he expects me to act as my DSD’s mum. I’m not her mum. I’m not going to pretend I’m her mum.
It’s on him to be the parent when his kid is around. But I would not have agreed to have dsd and a friend on my own as it’s bound to cause issues. Just ‘no. Not my child, your problem.’

I’m sorry but you come across as being deliberately awkward. What kind of formal meal do you have with a 3yr old & 11yr old that can’t be adapted to include another child? And not being able to eat with a child you don’t know is just weird.

I don't think you will be the same with your child OP. And even if it was last minute and you were on the back foot I reckon you'd make more effort.

I agree with your OH.

Uber eats

Are you a stepmother? I am and my stepchild is not my legal or moral responsibility. Her parents parent her. I am nice to her in my home and that’s it. Our partner’s kids are no more our kids than our MIL’a are our mothers.

If this happens a lot, I don't see why your dh can't keep some pizzas ready in the freezer. He could even teach his child how to cook them, at that age they'd probably like that.

I am laughing at the number of posters who want to know why the children weren't sent to "the shop" to get food. The idea that there might not be a shop within walking distance is obviously unimaginable!

You sound like a robot.

Both in terms of your opinions and how you express them. Very odd.

Welp, it could be a case of ‘greetings, visitor!’, but I’d say it a safe bet that actually you’ve just apparently become aware that not everyone shares your opinion/organizes their family to your liking.

I am nice to her in my home and that’s it.

Well that sounds like a step up on the OP.

Op doesn't sound particularly nice to her dss.

Okay 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not sure what you expect me to do with that information.

"Facilitate a sleepover"

It's not a wedding reception she's been asked to organise. Set a place at the table, feed the kid what everyone else is eating and put a smile on your face like you would if your "own" child had a friend over.

I think it! And I have a stepchild. The same way I don’t see any of my DH’s extended family as more than family by marriage. Doesn’t mean you can’t have nice relationships, just means you also don’t have the same legal and moral duties to them.

Yabu. You were cooking for dss anyway so you might aswell have done it for the other child

fyi no one ever looks fwd to hosting kids sleepovers!!

YABU. Feeding an 11 year old isn’t a big deal.