MIL wants to attend funeral but is supposed to be my childcare

[tinatsarina]

So my MIL has the kids for me next Monday while I have 3 job interviews that afternoon. she's now told me she has to attend her sister in laws, brothers funeral. My parents both work so can't cover my childcare (half-term here). Told my partner to tell his mum she can't go but he said she's entitled to and people don't owe me anything. He's now potentially taking the day off even though she had already agreed to the childcare first AIBU to be annoyed that they are prioritising this funeral over the childcare?

Pay for it??

And that commitment means that a person having the same cheek to die should be ignored

I go to work, I commit to everyday 9-5, sometimes I can't do that because

Funerals
Sickness
Appointments medical I can't change

Etc etc..

It's an unpaid job not a vocation..

It really helps the grieving to have a good turnout and feel the love. So it's not just for people who are really close. It's for anyone who cares. Which your MiL obviously does.

It doesn't matter a tenpenny toss what other people think. A funeral is a private matter, and the family of the deceased are entitled to invite who they want. And that person can either accept or decline to attend - their choice. There's no 'criteria' or rulebook that has to be applied, and the opinion of others is completely immaterial.

The MiL has encouraged OP to return to work and said she wanted to do the childcare to help facilitate that. That being so, they need to be sure they're on the same page as far as being dependable. Yes, it's a privilege to have a relative do your childcare, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be dependable. My MiL cared for DS2 as an infant and she was 100% committed to being there for us. If she hadn't been, we would have found paid care.

What I'm saying is that they need to be on the same page, and a serious discussion should find that out. By a 'serious discussion' I'm not saying to call her on the carpet or lecture her, just to get to the bottom of what MiL feels is 'providing childcare'. Does she understand that working parents need reliable childcare that they can depend on day in and day out, not one who cancels late in the day or is unwilling to forego another event or activity because they need to care for the child? If MiL doesn't want to commit to putting the childcare duty first, then yes, OP and her DH need to find alternative care.

@AcrossthePond55 the onus is on the parents to get reliable childcare, OP is unhappy yet applying for a permanent position without adequate childcare, why?

Yeah, right, naughty MiL, daring to have a life of her own. Yawn. 😂

I do actually think it would be better to have paid childcare. It is a big restriction on grandparents, if they aren't fully committed and want to do other things besides looking after dc. And I think for parents, to have free childcare that's unreliable, does more harm than good.
And free rarely means free anyway - parents usually end up paying for it in other ways. With a childminder or nursery, everyone knows where they stand, grandparents can enjoy just being grandparents and parents don't have to navigate the difficulties of childcare that's a favour.

Of course you’re being unreasonable. You seem entitled. It’s a funeral for goodness sake.

@DriftingDora you are missing that the grandmother offered. This was her idea!
Of course gps should have lives of their own. But you can't offer to be childcare, encourage the parents to rely on you, then not do what you agreed.
Fine not to do it, but don't promise and then let them down.

"I only went back as MIL suggested to us she would do childcare. I have looked at alternatives but nurseries and after schools are all full ATM if she hadn't agreed childcare I wouldn't have took my current position."

Presumably because MiL said she'd do it and it appears that right now there is no alternative. Again, this is why they need to have a meeting of the minds. And it may very well turn out that MiL would be so UNreliable that OP can't take the job.

Maybe MiL didn't understand how much childcare would tie her down. Maybe OP and her DH didn't understand what was in MiL's mind when she said she'd do it. But if I were OP I'd first want to make sure that MiL was unreliable before I shit canned any job.

But poor OP no other availability for nurseries (why would you need a nursery for school age children?) or after school clubs...... nothing in her area

So, no point in going to the interviews, so problem solved until OP can arrange adequate childcare that she's happy with and then she can get a job.

Or she job shares with her partner.

But all this because MIL wants to attend a funeral or take a weeks trip seems a little hasty....

@AcrossthePond55 I've read that, so as I said if OP is not happy why is she applying for a permanent position without adequate childcare?

Give it up, go bs k to being a SAHM, she only did it because MIL said whatever, so nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I think OP thought she did have reliable childcare, the MiL. As of right now, I kind of think it's still an unknown. MiL was apparently 'unreliable' in this one situation, the funeral. But that doesn't mean she would continue to be unreliable if she understood how important reliable childcare is. Or 'contrariwise', MiL may say "Nope, not signing up for that!".

It's an unknown as to why OP is returning to work. Maybe they're in need of the extra money. Maybe she just wants to get out of the house. If it's the former it's certainly worth talking to MiL, if it's the latter then maybe now is not the right time for OP to return to work.

This can't be real surely OP they're your children , your life , deal with it . You had them not your MIL .

@AcrossthePond55 maybe read all the OPs posts, only nine of them. You'll then be fully versed on the fact OP isn't happy. She also states that's MIL is doing it to sabotage her job, not her DHs.

So don't go for a permanent position, before she's happy with childcare, simple.

She can use a babysitting company. Lots of people have to do this when childcare falls through. That’s how the businesses exist. You ring them up and say “ I need a sitter for x day” and they say ok we have these people available and give a quick blurb about each and op chooses and books one. If they can’t come ( or have a funeral) the company sends a back up. It’s how many, many people cope. Ok is lucky she normally has MIL. This isn’t the tragic tale of woe it’s being presented as. It’s a nuisance yes; but drama, no.

Yabvu- your husband should cover. Who the hell are you to tell her she can't attend a funeral?? Jesus

Have you tried contacting the widow to see if they can change the funeral to a day that suits you better? 😉

Yep. People are at their weakest when they lose someone close. The smallest things such as a good turnout can be a tonic.

Is this real? Can someone really be that entitled?! How dare some one die and inconvenience you 🙄. You sound like a d#*k head tbf.

Agreed. Mil wants to be there for her sil and her family. Because....they are her family too

Thank you when my mother died she was 69. Women she graduated with and had not seen since 18 showed up. In fact one was a coworker who sent apologies she could not attend my mother's funeral because a friend from school days had passed away. She was shocked when she realized her friend was my mother. It meant so much to me.

It doesn’t matter if her SIL has 20 people to support her. Having her SIL there will still be greatly appreciated.

How insensitive are you! Your kids - your problem. Suck it up buttercup. Have you wondered about whether she will ever want to look after your kids again?