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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to attend funeral but is supposed to be my childcare

889 replies

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 08:32

So my MIL has the kids for me next Monday while I have 3 job interviews that afternoon. she's now told me she has to attend her sister in laws, brothers funeral. My parents both work so can't cover my childcare (half-term here). Told my partner to tell his mum she can't go but he said she's entitled to and people don't owe me anything. He's now potentially taking the day off even though she had already agreed to the childcare first AIBU to be annoyed that they are prioritising this funeral over the childcare?

OP posts:
purplediscoblue · 14/02/2024 22:01

Oh wow, I’d never tell
someone they couldn’t attend a funeral.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/02/2024 22:06

Sorry to say this op I had a nose at your past threads out of curiosity. Are you happy with your partner and your life with him. Your argument should not be aimed at your mil it should be at him and his lack of support he has given you over the years. The shit you have put up with you have helped him get better. Continue working on yourself, get strong, get a better job and decide whether you deserve better.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 14/02/2024 22:07

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 20:01

Any other time I wouldn't be working this is my first position after a long period of staying home because she said she'd do childcare I've been there as a temp the interviews are permanent I can't reschedule, unfortunately, it's a position I've went to part time uni for and finally have an opportunity and yea I'm a bit annoyed that a SIL brother is taking precedence over pre planned arrangements. Mentioned that if it was to impact partners job she wouldn't go but mine seems fine 😕

Her husband's sister is bereaved and she wants to be there for her. Perfectly reasonable. She would not go to the funeral if it impacted her son's job.. possibly because she knows she raised him to be thoughtful. He told you she is entitled to go to the funeral. She is. He told you she didn't owe you anything. She doesn't. He tried to rearrange his work. Whereas you just stamped your foot and demanded.

Life pops up unexpected incidents all the time. Sometimes you just can't plan. Your MIL didn't leave you in the lurch last minute. She gave you plenty of notice. You were able to arrange something else. If you are going to depend on one person for childcare then you have to also be aware that occasionally something will crop up that will mean you're childcare provider is not available. Same as you in your own job. You might get sick. You might have a family emergency etc. Things that can't be planned for. Your job would just have to do without you on those emergency days.

A paid childminder will also have the odd day where they won't be available due to illness, bereavement etc. The only difference being you mightn't be so rude to a paid childminder about it as you would to your MIL who is doing you a massive favour.

Mumof2teens79 · 14/02/2024 22:09

How do you manage to schedule 3 different job interviews in one day?

snoopyfanaccountant · 14/02/2024 22:15

Mudflaps · 14/02/2024 21:32

I've no comment on your mil or your childcare arrangements but your comment on your mil not having seen the deceased for years got to me, when my mother died there were people at her funeral who hadn't seen her or any of our family for a decade or more, people she had worked with, people I'd worked with,old school friends of hers, of my father and myself, people from various clubs and organisations that she had been involved in years previously, all of those people brought comfort to us simply by turning up and surrounding us with memories of my mother, I had people tell me lovely things about her that I'd never have known otherwise so please don't think that just because your mil hadn't seen the deceased for quite a while that her attendance at the funeral won't be appreciated, it will.

My DF died in 2022. My boss had never met him but drove 80 miles to attend his funeral.

Morecurlywurly · 14/02/2024 22:15

If people want children they should be prepared to look after them. If you can’t without imposing on others ( in an entitled brattish way), don’t have them in the first place.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 14/02/2024 22:17

Mumof2teens79 · 14/02/2024 22:09

How do you manage to schedule 3 different job interviews in one day?

In one afternoon!

LemonadeSunshine · 14/02/2024 22:18

Yep, YABVU. Of course your job interviews are super important for you, and assuming that why your partner is taking the time off instead, but not many people go to funerals for fun.

Irishmama100 · 14/02/2024 22:21

Sorry but you are being completely unreasonable. If they feel they need to go to funeral then so be it!

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 14/02/2024 22:22

YABU she has to go to the funeral and not fair to make her feel bad for it. Your husband has the childcare covered so problem sorted. Lucky she helps you out when she does and does she do it for free. I don't think grandparents should be expected to mind grandchildren as reared their own and should be able to relax.

PhoenixStarbeamer · 14/02/2024 22:28

This has to be a reverse. No way on this planet someone is this much of a nasty person. Your kids your problem. I'd never have them ever again for you after this. You can't be this awful. Come on, tell us it's a reverse.

JRM17 · 14/02/2024 22:29

Are you for fking real. This has to be a joke. How selfish, entitled, bitchy and utterly rediculous are you.

Brefugee · 14/02/2024 22:31

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 08:46

She can visit the family after. It's not easy for him to take time off. If she was employed they wouldn't give her the time off.

who the heck do you think you are? It is not up to you to decide for anyone what they are and are not allowed to do.
"if she was employed"? bloody norah, pack it in.

goldneedle · 14/02/2024 22:35

YABU.

This is why a lot of grandparents don’t offer regular childcare; they would feel like they can’t go on holidays when they want, they would feel guilty for being ill etc. I cannot believe you told your partner to tell his mother that she can’t go to a funeral!

Noglitterallowed · 14/02/2024 22:37

PhoenixStarbeamer · 14/02/2024 22:28

This has to be a reverse. No way on this planet someone is this much of a nasty person. Your kids your problem. I'd never have them ever again for you after this. You can't be this awful. Come on, tell us it's a reverse.

100% There is no other option than this! Surely someone is not this entitled!!

quietlysad · 14/02/2024 22:40

OP I think people are being very harsh on you here. If she hasn’t seen the person in years and committed to looking after the kids so you can attend interviews I think it’s really unkind of her to change plans now. It’s hard being a parent, especially a mum. Many people have support to call on but some don’t and it sounds like you fall into the latter category. It’s really really hard to be in that position, everyone needs help sometimes. Shame fellow mums can’t empathise with your predicament as I’m sure we’ve all been there at some point. Sending hugs and wishing people weren’t so judgmental xx

catscalledbeanz · 14/02/2024 22:40

I suggest that perhaps the interviews you have lined up are pointless? You don't have reliable childcare. No childcare? No job. No point in interviews really then is there?

Notchangingnameagain · 14/02/2024 22:43

Told my partner to tell his mum she can't go.

I hope your partner did this and I hope your MIL never offers to babysit for you again.

YABVU.

It’s ok to be disappointed at being let down. It’s not ok to react as you have.

Noglitterallowed · 14/02/2024 22:43

quietlysad · 14/02/2024 22:40

OP I think people are being very harsh on you here. If she hasn’t seen the person in years and committed to looking after the kids so you can attend interviews I think it’s really unkind of her to change plans now. It’s hard being a parent, especially a mum. Many people have support to call on but some don’t and it sounds like you fall into the latter category. It’s really really hard to be in that position, everyone needs help sometimes. Shame fellow mums can’t empathise with your predicament as I’m sure we’ve all been there at some point. Sending hugs and wishing people weren’t so judgmental xx

What?
someone has died??!!!!! Her mil wants to pay respects I’m sorry but sometimes someone dying trumps other things.

nah sorry I know they’ve died but it’s not convenient for me so cancel going to the funeral? Mind absolutely blown at this

LadyBird1973 · 14/02/2024 22:48

The OP is getting a kicking on this thread from people who sound far nastier than she does, frankly.

Since mil has offered to be the childcare, she isn't some put upon, exploited woman. The OP has made arrangements on the back of that offer and now mil thinks it's okay to drop out for the funeral of some random man she hadn't spoken to in years. I'd hazard a guess that her sister in law doesn't specifically need mil's support, and has other people at the funeral who could do this. OP otoh, only has one shot at these interviews - earning money and financially supporting her kids is a good thing.
Having made that commitment to the OP, I really do think mil should honour that commitment.

OP, in the long run, finding out now that mil cannot be relied upon, might be a good thing. In your shoes I'd sort out paid childcare so that you never have to rely on flaky relatives.

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 22:49

LadyBird1973 · 14/02/2024 22:48

The OP is getting a kicking on this thread from people who sound far nastier than she does, frankly.

Since mil has offered to be the childcare, she isn't some put upon, exploited woman. The OP has made arrangements on the back of that offer and now mil thinks it's okay to drop out for the funeral of some random man she hadn't spoken to in years. I'd hazard a guess that her sister in law doesn't specifically need mil's support, and has other people at the funeral who could do this. OP otoh, only has one shot at these interviews - earning money and financially supporting her kids is a good thing.
Having made that commitment to the OP, I really do think mil should honour that commitment.

OP, in the long run, finding out now that mil cannot be relied upon, might be a good thing. In your shoes I'd sort out paid childcare so that you never have to rely on flaky relatives.

Random man 😆😆😆

Hardly!

Umidontknow · 14/02/2024 22:49

Wow. Unbelievable. Why on earth you think you are entitled to tell your MIL what she can do with her time? Especially when it comes to going to a funeral! She does not have to look after YOUR children and if I where her I would be telling you you need to make other arrangements for your child care going forward.

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 22:50

LadyBird1973 · 14/02/2024 22:48

The OP is getting a kicking on this thread from people who sound far nastier than she does, frankly.

Since mil has offered to be the childcare, she isn't some put upon, exploited woman. The OP has made arrangements on the back of that offer and now mil thinks it's okay to drop out for the funeral of some random man she hadn't spoken to in years. I'd hazard a guess that her sister in law doesn't specifically need mil's support, and has other people at the funeral who could do this. OP otoh, only has one shot at these interviews - earning money and financially supporting her kids is a good thing.
Having made that commitment to the OP, I really do think mil should honour that commitment.

OP, in the long run, finding out now that mil cannot be relied upon, might be a good thing. In your shoes I'd sort out paid childcare so that you never have to rely on flaky relatives.

She can't do paid childcare, no after school
clubs or nurseries, don't you know!

Sceptical123 · 14/02/2024 22:51

I feel really sorry for your MIL. You sound like an awful DIL to be lumbered with. I bet you make family get togethers an utter joy. You need to do some self reflecting and learn a bit of human empathy, OP.

Presumably she’s adequately behaved the other 50 odd weeks of the year looking after your children? But she has the audacity to go to a family funeral? She only gave you a week’s notice that she was going on holiday? 😱

Do you help her out in any way or just take?

Behave.

LadyBird1973 · 14/02/2024 22:52

@Noglitterallowed people die every day. Going to the funeral of someone you barely knew 'to pay respects' is, for some of us, the very opposite of respectful. It's crashing another family's grief imo.
I still think it's wrong to bail on an important commitment in order to prioritise an event where she doesn't need to be because she hasn't seen the deceased in years!