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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to attend funeral but is supposed to be my childcare

889 replies

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 08:32

So my MIL has the kids for me next Monday while I have 3 job interviews that afternoon. she's now told me she has to attend her sister in laws, brothers funeral. My parents both work so can't cover my childcare (half-term here). Told my partner to tell his mum she can't go but he said she's entitled to and people don't owe me anything. He's now potentially taking the day off even though she had already agreed to the childcare first AIBU to be annoyed that they are prioritising this funeral over the childcare?

OP posts:
Mrssnee16 · 14/02/2024 19:56

No I don't think you're being unreasonable here. If she had already planned to watch the kids for you while you're at job interviews, then she changed her mind to go to a funeral then yes, she is the one being unreasonable. It would be a different story if it was her SIL bit it's a relative of the SIL and not her, so she's not technically a family member. It's nice if she wants to be there to support her SIL but she had already made the agreement with you.

CaptainMyCaptain · 14/02/2024 19:57

YABVVVU and your partner is stepping up to do the childcare - good for him. You have nothing to complain about.

QueenBean22 · 14/02/2024 19:57

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 08:32

So my MIL has the kids for me next Monday while I have 3 job interviews that afternoon. she's now told me she has to attend her sister in laws, brothers funeral. My parents both work so can't cover my childcare (half-term here). Told my partner to tell his mum she can't go but he said she's entitled to and people don't owe me anything. He's now potentially taking the day off even though she had already agreed to the childcare first AIBU to be annoyed that they are prioritising this funeral over the childcare?

You probably aren’t aware of this but you can actually pay someone to look after your children while you work.

If you have friends ( you might need to look this up) you may have heard them talk about these people called childminders or even nurseries.

It’s expensive but many of us make sacrifices to be able to use this service

Do look this up

I can’t believe how entitled you are, you don’t get to dictate how your mother in law spends her time. Pay for childcare you CF!!!

snoopyfanaccountant · 14/02/2024 19:58

Nikki8762 · 14/02/2024 19:28

I get where you're coming from. I am one who honers commitments, I'll help any one at any time and i don't like to let people down, i do also expect the same from others, althou it doesnt happen.

Something tells me this isn't the first time she's let you down. Funerals can't be helped and yes she's made the choice to go. If it was me I wouldnt go, I'd be there for the living who need me, but I don't know the relationship or how close her and her sil are etc. I've a parent who does these things just to be seen and they'd drop me in a secound because they think it's a social occasion. They might not even know the person or have met them once 20 years ago, but because other mutual people go they have fomo.

Luckily your partner is able to take the time off now so at least that's something. If she is known for letting you down then I would try not to use her for important plans. I know who I can rely on and who I cant and sadly family tend to not be the most reliable x

I'd be there for the living who need me

Maybe the MIL's DB and DSIL need her there.

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 19:59

This reply has been deleted

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ShippingForecastMeditator · 14/02/2024 20:00

If I was your MIL you'd have just lost your free childcare. Permanently.

Ohshitiveturnedintomymother · 14/02/2024 20:00

Clearly a reverse. I thought people were done with these?

Original poster
tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 20:01

Any other time I wouldn't be working this is my first position after a long period of staying home because she said she'd do childcare I've been there as a temp the interviews are permanent I can't reschedule, unfortunately, it's a position I've went to part time uni for and finally have an opportunity and yea I'm a bit annoyed that a SIL brother is taking precedence over pre planned arrangements. Mentioned that if it was to impact partners job she wouldn't go but mine seems fine 😕

OP posts:
OneKookyKoala · 14/02/2024 20:02

Why is it always your husband that takes the time off to look after the children when your MIL is busy? If you have 3 interviews in one afternoon then are you employed? The children are your responsibility not your MIL, you sound like a brat 🙄

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 20:02

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 20:01

Any other time I wouldn't be working this is my first position after a long period of staying home because she said she'd do childcare I've been there as a temp the interviews are permanent I can't reschedule, unfortunately, it's a position I've went to part time uni for and finally have an opportunity and yea I'm a bit annoyed that a SIL brother is taking precedence over pre planned arrangements. Mentioned that if it was to impact partners job she wouldn't go but mine seems fine 😕

Why are you applying for permanent work without adequate childcare?

Calliopespa · 14/02/2024 20:03

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 20:01

Any other time I wouldn't be working this is my first position after a long period of staying home because she said she'd do childcare I've been there as a temp the interviews are permanent I can't reschedule, unfortunately, it's a position I've went to part time uni for and finally have an opportunity and yea I'm a bit annoyed that a SIL brother is taking precedence over pre planned arrangements. Mentioned that if it was to impact partners job she wouldn't go but mine seems fine 😕

And I suspect that last sentence holds the key to your desire to dramatise this.

On countless occasions parents everywhere have to resort to paid babysitters. It’s not a biggie.

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 20:03

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 20:01

Any other time I wouldn't be working this is my first position after a long period of staying home because she said she'd do childcare I've been there as a temp the interviews are permanent I can't reschedule, unfortunately, it's a position I've went to part time uni for and finally have an opportunity and yea I'm a bit annoyed that a SIL brother is taking precedence over pre planned arrangements. Mentioned that if it was to impact partners job she wouldn't go but mine seems fine 😕

But it impacted your partners job last time, so that doesn't make any sense!

Mrssnee16 · 14/02/2024 20:04

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No I don't think its about being self centred, I just agree with OP and don't think she's being unreasonable. She may have gone round it the wrong way by insinuating that her MIL couldn't attend, but I get the upset at being let down on childcare when she's got job interviews lined up, I assume in the hope of bettering her families situation.

Original poster
tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 20:04

OneKookyKoala · 14/02/2024 20:02

Why is it always your husband that takes the time off to look after the children when your MIL is busy? If you have 3 interviews in one afternoon then are you employed? The children are your responsibility not your MIL, you sound like a brat 🙄

I tried to book time off for her holiday and was told bluntly no unless my kids are ill then I have to be there.

OP posts:
Mrssnee16 · 14/02/2024 20:05

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 20:02

Why are you applying for permanent work without adequate childcare?

Show quote history

She may be applying for term time work so she is available when her kids are at school. Don't be so fast to assume she will constantly need to rely on another person for childcare.

SwirlyWhirls · 14/02/2024 20:05

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 20:01

Any other time I wouldn't be working this is my first position after a long period of staying home because she said she'd do childcare I've been there as a temp the interviews are permanent I can't reschedule, unfortunately, it's a position I've went to part time uni for and finally have an opportunity and yea I'm a bit annoyed that a SIL brother is taking precedence over pre planned arrangements. Mentioned that if it was to impact partners job she wouldn't go but mine seems fine 😕

Hopefully she’ll quit providing free childcare for you for good, after all of this extremely self entitled nonsense.

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 20:06

@Mrssnee16 where did OP insinuate the MIL couldn't go? And told her partner to tell her she couldn't go!

Nikki8762 · 14/02/2024 20:06

OneKookyKoala · 14/02/2024 20:02

Why is it always your husband that takes the time off to look after the children when your MIL is busy? If you have 3 interviews in one afternoon then are you employed? The children are your responsibility not your MIL, you sound like a brat 🙄

They aren't just her kids, They are the dhs aswell, if she needs to be somewhere important then he needs to step in and watch the kids. It's half term, kids would normally be at school. Mil said she'd help she isn't now. So now dh needs to try, he's now said he can't. But what if mum said to dh actually my interview is my priority and i can't reschedule, and you need to sort child care. 2 parents should sort it between them not just the 1 parent.

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 20:07

@tinatsarina she's already said that MOL does pick ups, so that's childcare during term time? So I don't understand your point?

Sassy31 · 14/02/2024 20:07

Omg are you for real …

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 20:07

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 20:07

@tinatsarina she's already said that MOL does pick ups, so that's childcare during term time? So I don't understand your point?

Sorry that was for @Mrssnee16

Mrssnee16 · 14/02/2024 20:10

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 20:06

@Mrssnee16 where did OP insinuate the MIL couldn't go? And told her partner to tell her she couldn't go!

In her original post on page 1, she says she told her husband to tell his mother she couldn't go to the funeral.

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 20:12

@Mrssnee16 that's not insinuating that's telling, two completely totally different things!

Nikki8762 · 14/02/2024 20:12

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 20:01

Any other time I wouldn't be working this is my first position after a long period of staying home because she said she'd do childcare I've been there as a temp the interviews are permanent I can't reschedule, unfortunately, it's a position I've went to part time uni for and finally have an opportunity and yea I'm a bit annoyed that a SIL brother is taking precedence over pre planned arrangements. Mentioned that if it was to impact partners job she wouldn't go but mine seems fine 😕

Maybe that's what you need to say, tell dh from now on child care just isn't your issue, holidays etc need to be split 50/50 and you both take time off... if they don't. Want you to be a sahm any more then fine, but he needs to be helping with childcare, that includes last min sick kids. Your job is just as important as his. Doesn't matter who does what, a job I'd a job and it is a commitment.

I really would look at the situation, she doesn't seem reliable at all... some just like to brag they help but they actually don't or let you down last min. Like you say of it was for her son she'd of done it. Next time say, well dh will have to stay home with them because I need to be xyz ...

jenny38 · 14/02/2024 20:13

I'm wondering if you haven't had much experience of funerals. People go to support the relatives, not just morn the person.
Possibly your reaction might be linked feeling a little stressed about having 3 job interviews in one afternoon. Apologise and move on.

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