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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to attend funeral but is supposed to be my childcare

889 replies

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 08:32

So my MIL has the kids for me next Monday while I have 3 job interviews that afternoon. she's now told me she has to attend her sister in laws, brothers funeral. My parents both work so can't cover my childcare (half-term here). Told my partner to tell his mum she can't go but he said she's entitled to and people don't owe me anything. He's now potentially taking the day off even though she had already agreed to the childcare first AIBU to be annoyed that they are prioritising this funeral over the childcare?

OP posts:
Nikki8762 · 14/02/2024 19:30

Bs0u416d · 14/02/2024 19:05

That C**T for chat, french for cat. Meow.

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That's really uncalled for... be better. You don't know the back ground of the situation.

JoDavy · 14/02/2024 19:30

You're children are you're responsibly along with you're husband's. You're childcare issues are not anyone else's problem. Regardless of when she last saw the deceased that isn't any of your business. I get that's inconvenient for you both, but why is this you're mother in laws fault? Why should you expect her to not attend the funeral but not expect you're parents to take a day off?

Welcome2thecircus · 14/02/2024 19:31

YANBU. It's a funeral, ergo death is not planned. I wouldn't dream of telling someone they can't go to a funeral for anything.. Partner should just take the day off, or use a half term activity camp. Fun for the kids and gives you the time you need. Good luck

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 19:33

Nikki8762 · 14/02/2024 19:28

I get where you're coming from. I am one who honers commitments, I'll help any one at any time and i don't like to let people down, i do also expect the same from others, althou it doesnt happen.

Something tells me this isn't the first time she's let you down. Funerals can't be helped and yes she's made the choice to go. If it was me I wouldnt go, I'd be there for the living who need me, but I don't know the relationship or how close her and her sil are etc. I've a parent who does these things just to be seen and they'd drop me in a secound because they think it's a social occasion. They might not even know the person or have met them once 20 years ago, but because other mutual people go they have fomo.

Luckily your partner is able to take the time off now so at least that's something. If she is known for letting you down then I would try not to use her for important plans. I know who I can rely on and who I cant and sadly family tend to not be the most reliable x

What makes you think it's not the first time? Nothing indicates that? But good old MN, it's an evil MIL.

And the partner is not taking the time off, so you've also got that wrong.

Original poster
tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 19:33

AcrossthePond55 · 14/02/2024 19:28

I only went back as MIL suggested to us she would do childcare.

I'm not going to get into the funeral vs childcare thing. You've found your alternative and that's good.

BUT, if you're going to be depending on MiL as your regular childcare I think you need to think again or at the very least you and your DH need have a serious sit down talk with her. IMHO a grandparent who agrees to take on regular childcare needs to view it as 'a real job' whether they're being paid or not. You need to get it straight with MiL whether or not she's going to treat it as such and whether your ideas of 'a good reason to call in sick/take a day off' match hers. And whether or not you can trust her to 'stick to the bargain'. And if they don't or you can't, you need to find another childcare option.

DH and I do NOT plan to do regular childcare because we travel a lot. But if we DID, we would view it as a 'real job' and would expect that anything else would have to come second to our responsibility and that any time off would have to be scheduled way in advance, not willy nilly 2 days in advance. Of course we absolutely would if do it it was a financial necessity, although we'd probably help them pay for it before taking it on ourselves.

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I have been looking into alternatives as there's a few issues with her that I won't go into here, I do get on really well with MIL but recently theres been hiccups just as ive took on a new job on her insistence that she could do childcare. My current job means I can't just book days off so it's up to my partner but his job is also full on. I guess I'm frustrated that once again it's fallen through

OP posts:
snoopyfanaccountant · 14/02/2024 19:35

Ohlookwhoitis · 14/02/2024 18:09

It takes an average of 3 days here in Ireland.

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A friend's DF recently died in NI on a Friday; his funeral was the following Wednesday. That timescale is unheard of here in Scotland (I previously worked in the funeral industry and we lost 3 very close family members - both our DF's and a DGP - in the space of 6 weeks a couple of years ago); it can take over a week to register the death and until that has happened many councils won't allow a funeral to be booked in case that death is one that is randomly refered for a post mortum (autopsy) - thank you Harold Shipman.

DriftingDora · 14/02/2024 19:35

Wexone · 14/02/2024 19:26

cause like the poster I was quoting they use emotional blackmail and are not able to say no. not everyone can

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OK, so they set themselves up for ever-increasing future demands. Definitely the way to go (not).

Hayliebells · 14/02/2024 19:36

Ffsake, it's a funeral. Your OH is taking the day off so you have a solution that doesn't even inconvenience you. I really hope you're not going for a job where I work, I don't think I'd want someone so lacking in compassion as a colleague.

Wexone · 14/02/2024 19:37

DriftingDora · 14/02/2024 19:35

OK, so they set themselves up for ever-increasing future demands. Definitely the way to go (not).

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yep exactly but no talking to them two other girls in the family so precedent has been set now

tinytim2016 · 14/02/2024 19:37

Shocked is understatement. Your MIL gave a week's notice last time. Do you have a lot of job interviews as it seems your MIL has kids more than you, and this is what your expecting everytime and get angry when she wants her life too. But you don't ask your parents because they have jobs.

Fetaa · 14/02/2024 19:39

Gosh it’s a funeral, your mil should attend if she wants to. It’s very mean spirited to try and deny her this. Yes it means juggling childcare but that’s life.

TomRaider · 14/02/2024 19:40

YABU.... Grandparents have our children 2 days in three weeks. We're hugely grateful for any help they can offer on these two days. We bendover backwards to accommodate their requirements or wants such as dropping off / pick up times even if it isn't convenient for us. We'll accommodate childminding grandparents at our house prepping them a meal etc. We'll offer to pay fuel or for tickets when they take the spawn out.

A few times a year the MIL will go away on hols for 4weeks and we will have to take time off or buy childcare etc. If they simply wanted a day off or to do something different (such as a funeral or even just have some them time) on that day then then we wouldn't dream of being annoyed or upset. We're just grateful for what they do.

They not MY childcare they just help us when they can. They owe us nothing. The children are our children not theirs.

I have in the past cancelled job interviews including some that mean I'm barred from reapplying for a time period in similar circumstances. Parental responsibility comes first, some employers have asked to rearrange.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 14/02/2024 19:41

@AcrossthePond55 seriously? A “serious sit down talk with her” umm no, they should find alternative childcare arrangements and be grateful for the help she offers!!

her partners work physically can’t refuse for him to have the day off if he’s actually said he hasn’t got anyone at home to look after the children… OP is actually being ridiculous.. not to mention rude and entitled.

Nikki8762 · 14/02/2024 19:43

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 19:33

What makes you think it's not the first time? Nothing indicates that? But good old MN, it's an evil MIL.

And the partner is not taking the time off, so you've also got that wrong.

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Actually she said that at first. I did see then further down after the 100s of abusive posts that he couldnt take the time off and her friend was doing it. So maybe get your facts straight.

As I said that's my own feeling. I don't knownif it's true or not. But generally when people let you down it becomes bigger than it is. If this was a 1 time thing it wouldnt be such an issue but when it's a repeated thing it's annoying.

I had someone offer something simular, I didn't as but they insisted, after a couple of let downs I changed my plans, and went a different way, they keep asking to do it again but they can't be trusted, so thanks but no thanks. It was paid, this grandparent also offered as she said to look after the kids so mum could go back to work, she never asked her the mil kept offering. So then it needs to be taken seriously. I don't even know why you replied to my post tbh, you just wanted another person to attack. Some people are actually rational and need to organise their lives. Not jsut rant and rave and be nasty trolls

notacooldad · 14/02/2024 19:44

I can't see what's wrong with dp taking the day off. Why is it a problem.

It seems a perfectly normal thing to do.

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 19:44

@Nikki8762 learn how to filter the OPs posts, I think it was the fourth very short post? Otherwise you get it all wrong! Embarrassing really.

momonpurpose · 14/02/2024 19:44

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snoopyfanaccountant · 14/02/2024 19:46

WearyAuldWumman · 14/02/2024 19:13

Normally it's a fortnight round my way.

When my husband died, it was a month because another crematorium was under repair and ours had to take the extra capacity.

There was one slot available to me, but I refused it since it would have meant exiting the building in the dark on a winter's afternoon. I already had relatives not coming because they chose not to come during lockdown and I couldn't bear the though of exiting in the dark on top of everything else.

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I once arranged a funeral where the widow wanted an afternoon service because she wasn't getting up early for anyone even her late DH. She wanted a 3 o'clock church service followed by a cremation; I persuaded her (and her DC backed me up) that a 4pm cremation in Scotland a couple of days before the shortest day would mean that they would be arriving at the crematorium in near darkness and leaving in complete darkness.

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 19:46

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Nikki8762 · 14/02/2024 19:47

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 19:33

What makes you think it's not the first time? Nothing indicates that? But good old MN, it's an evil MIL.

And the partner is not taking the time off, so you've also got that wrong.

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Also if you look, she states its not the first time. My feeling was right. So...

notacooldad · 14/02/2024 19:48

Just read the update about dp not getting time off.
It's a hard knock life but it's not MILs fault.

Jeannie88 · 14/02/2024 19:48

You really need to ask this question? It's her sister in law's funeral! I'm sure she's very sorry it gets in the way of your (very lucky to have this) routine. Have you ever had someone close to you pass away? Honestly, please try to empathise and live in the real world that is all about important things.

Jeannie88 · 14/02/2024 19:49

SausageRoll2020 · 14/02/2024 08:39

You are being massively unreasonable and self-centered.

Do you seriously think you can dictate whether or not people can go to funerals?

Maybe try and show a better attitude during those interviews...

Totally agree, where is some compassion from OP? X

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 19:51

@Nikki8762 but she'd already stated her "unhappiness" with the childcare issues because her DMIL had wanted to go away on holiday!

Not sure your Clouseau yet!

So MIL

Wants a holiday
To attend a funeral

How totally unreasonable?

Or do you think both or either are unjustified?

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 19:55

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 19:08

Look I've read everyone's replies and I get it, I do. For those who have read my previous threads it's been hard for me to get back to work. I only went back as MIL suggested to us she would do childcare. I have looked at alternatives but nurseries and after schools are all full ATM if she hadn't agreed childcare I wouldn't have took my current position. Usually MIL only does pick ups but agreed the full afternoon initially.

If MIL is so unreliable it makes me wonder why you're applying for new positions? 🤔

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