Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wants to attend funeral but is supposed to be my childcare

889 replies

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 08:32

So my MIL has the kids for me next Monday while I have 3 job interviews that afternoon. she's now told me she has to attend her sister in laws, brothers funeral. My parents both work so can't cover my childcare (half-term here). Told my partner to tell his mum she can't go but he said she's entitled to and people don't owe me anything. He's now potentially taking the day off even though she had already agreed to the childcare first AIBU to be annoyed that they are prioritising this funeral over the childcare?

OP posts:
LiveLaughCryalot · 14/02/2024 12:36

Hatty65 · 14/02/2024 11:49

I really hope that you fail all your interviews.

Karma.

In a thread of people baying for blood that's also obviously a wind up and watch em go, this is the weirdest post yet. Oh and there's no such thing as karma, writing that alone makes you look monumentally stupid.

betterangels · 14/02/2024 12:37

Told my partner to tell his mum she can't go but he said she's entitled to and people don't owe me anything

What's shocking is that your partner had to spell out this to you. Welcome to life as an adult. And even more: an adult who chose to have children.

Ellie1015 · 14/02/2024 12:38

Yabvu.

She may want to go even though not seen deceased for a few years. She may he going to support SIL.

Your dh is taking time off so doesn't even impact your interviews so no idea why you think she should miss it.

BeeDavis · 14/02/2024 12:41

Nooooooooooooooo 🫣🫣🫣

WaltzingWaters · 14/02/2024 12:41

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 08:46

She can visit the family after. It's not easy for him to take time off. If she was employed they wouldn't give her the time off.

most good employers would absolutely give time off for a funeral.
YAB massively U and entitled.

Catsfrontbum · 14/02/2024 12:41

Unhinged.

BodyKeepingScore · 14/02/2024 12:42

tinatsarina · 14/02/2024 08:42

She hasn't seen the deceased for years, he is trying to arrange time off but it's difficult as he's recently got time off for her scheduling a trip that she only gave us a week's notice for.

None of this matters. You simply cannot tell another adult who they're allowed to go and pay their respects to. The world doesn't resolve around your children ffs.

BodyKeepingScore · 14/02/2024 12:44

Notacrescentcroissant · 14/02/2024 09:10

It is the funeral of the brother of her sister-in-law
Hardly a close relative - but some people love the drama of a funeral 9or love the opportunity to bitch and moan about the deceased/relatives of the deceased
So I don't think YABU - the woman made a commitment to you @tinatsarina , and should stick to it
The funeral may be live-streamed, she can watch it while minding the kids.

I think an unexpected death trumps childcare obligations. Especially when it's free childcare.

likepebblesonabeach · 14/02/2024 12:47

You actually told your DH to tell his mother she couldn't go to a funeral?
I am not surprised your DH said no.
If this is true, and I'm struggling to believe anyone would be so entitled, you need to take a long hard look at yourself, you sound absolutely awful

Ihavehadenoughalready · 14/02/2024 12:48

If she was employed by my company she most certainly would get the time off. We have a very generous bereavement time off policy.

What would you do if she were ill that day/week. Do that.

Trinity65 · 14/02/2024 12:55

Who are You to tell him to tell her, a grown woman, she can't go ?

Yes YABU

mybrainisfull · 14/02/2024 12:56

OP are you Julia from Motherland?
errr, ask a friend to have the kids as a favour?
Is this the first time your childcare has let you down? get used to it!

Betterbuckleupbarbara · 14/02/2024 12:56

Haven’t read everything but lol @tinatsarina you can’t really have the attitude towards your mother in law that you do?

She isn’t the hired help you know, I say this having not expected much from my ex’s mother at any point as I don’t think like that, but appreciate we all have different views.

If your parents are around why don’t you have the same expectations of them?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 14/02/2024 12:58

Funerals are arranged at short notice!
Your DP will be taking the day off to cover childcare so YAB entitled

Legendairy · 14/02/2024 12:58

LadyBird1973 · 14/02/2024 12:25

@Naunet I don't believe that grandparents should be doing lots of childcare - it's massively restrictive for their own lives and it does get taken for granted. I'm not saying that the OP has a good attitude generally. But if a grandparent (or anyone really) does commit to it, then it has to be treated as if it was set in stone (bar exceptional reasons) because working parents do depend on it. There often aren't as hoc childcare providers that parents can use. So childcare has to be reliable.
And OP is going to job interviews, it's not a normal day at work.

Now, a lot of people on this thread believe that the funeral of someone mil hasn't seen for donkeys years is more important that the dil's job interviews and the fact she made a commitment to having the kids. I don't. Obviously different if it was a relative or close friend.

That's not to say I don't agree the OP might be taking mil for granted generally or that mil should continue being the main child care provider. Maybe that should change. But in this particular circumstance o do think the mil should stand by her commitment to the OP.

My parents did regular childcare for me for years, they were in their 50s at the time and neither worked 5 days a week. If they had something on then they would tell me and I would make alternative arrangements for childcare that day. I just can't imagine being so selfish that I wouldn't do everything possible to sort something else. Its no different to a childminder or something, if they had a funeral to go to then they would do that presumably instead. I would hope that most parents aren't so selfish they wouldn't cause an issue (not that they would have a say)

Naunet · 14/02/2024 12:59

LadyBird1973 · 14/02/2024 12:25

@Naunet I don't believe that grandparents should be doing lots of childcare - it's massively restrictive for their own lives and it does get taken for granted. I'm not saying that the OP has a good attitude generally. But if a grandparent (or anyone really) does commit to it, then it has to be treated as if it was set in stone (bar exceptional reasons) because working parents do depend on it. There often aren't as hoc childcare providers that parents can use. So childcare has to be reliable.
And OP is going to job interviews, it's not a normal day at work.

Now, a lot of people on this thread believe that the funeral of someone mil hasn't seen for donkeys years is more important that the dil's job interviews and the fact she made a commitment to having the kids. I don't. Obviously different if it was a relative or close friend.

That's not to say I don't agree the OP might be taking mil for granted generally or that mil should continue being the main child care provider. Maybe that should change. But in this particular circumstance o do think the mil should stand by her commitment to the OP.

But if a grandparent (or anyone really) does commit to it, then it has to be treated as if it was set in stone

No, it doesn’t, that’s the thing. You might want it to be, but you don’t get to control other people, you have to understand that they will have different priorities to you, and just because you don’t think the funeral should be their priority, they don’t have to agree with you.

RandomPoster456 · 14/02/2024 13:01

This is either a joke or you’re selfish to the core. It doesn’t matter if she was employed she wouldn’t get it off or not - presumably shes not employed so that’s irrelevant. Also the fact she hasn’t seen the deceased in years is irrelevant too. She obviously wants to go and say good bye or support her SIL. People only die once, you can obtain countless job interviews in your lifetime. You’ve already secured three so I’m sure you won’t struggle to secure more. Next time, put your children in childcare and stop relying on other people to look after your children and being rude and spoilt about it. If you behave like this towards your colleagues and employers I wouldn’t bother turning up to your interviews because no one will want to employ or work with someone with an attitude and entitlement problem anyway.

OneCoolMintMember · 14/02/2024 13:01

Are you serious ?? They are your kids not your MILs. If I was her and you had that attitude with me I wouldn't have the kids again until you start to actual appreciate me.

Iwant2beJessicaFletcher · 14/02/2024 13:02

Pay for childcare and then you wont have this problem.

OneCoolMintMember · 14/02/2024 13:03

You've got to be a millilenal? Your prioritising a job interview over your kids if you want to look at it that way.

Nonono11 · 14/02/2024 13:04

YAB(V)U

RandomPoster456 · 14/02/2024 13:08

OneCoolMintMember · 14/02/2024 13:03

You've got to be a millilenal? Your prioritising a job interview over your kids if you want to look at it that way.

Sorry but what does being a millennial have to do with anything? Some of us actually appreciate our relatives caring for our children and would completely understand said relative prioritising a funeral. There are selfish and rotten people within all generations. Maybe mind yourself in future before making ridiculous sweeping generalisations about people. How rude.

fuckssaaaaake · 14/02/2024 13:08

I've made a promise to myself to not be a bitch on Mumsnet (anymore) this one is really hard

puzzledout · 14/02/2024 13:10

@LiveLaughCryalot I think you're very much mistaken about this being a wind up, look at OPs other posts before you make that assumption.

Cwtshcwtsh · 14/02/2024 13:10

I hope this thread ends up in Classics. I can see it being a “do you remember…”.